Nothing But the Truth

Spoken word poet Alysia Harris embodies the art of telling the ugly truth in a beautiful way.  She speaks with her whole face, her whole body, she loses her voice and makes herself cry 90% of the time.  This is how you know what she's saying is true.  If you can write it, edit it, memorize and rehearse it and have it still bring you to tears, you're onto something.

She tweeted this quote years ago:

The best example I have of this truth is me and my bestie, Jess.  She and I have been making best friendship work for almost 8 years.  Over the last 6 months, we have been really committed to deepening our friendship by talking more regularly even though she lives in Germany (remember last week's post? Make it work. We use the Voxer app) and praying with and for each other.  We give each other updates on all the big stuff and all the little stuff several times a week.  When we disagree, we figure out why we disagreed. When we get frustrated we tell each other, we apologize, and we attempt to not make the same mistake again. We still sometimes make each other cry.

Any time you talk to someone this often, you will need a set of principles to guide you.

Here are the three things that work for us:

God - If Jess and I did not each (not one or the other, or one on behalf of the other) have a firm commitment to a God who never gives up on His relationship with us, we would probably have given up on our friendship with each other.  In fact, when we were both weaker in our faith, it was much harder and we made more and harsher mistakes.

Also, if we did not each understand a God who forgives endlessly and gives more grace than we could ever give or deserve, we would not have an example of how to treat each other with grace and forgiveness.

Love - Jess and I have spent countless hours discussing the different facets of that four-letter word.  We always use the Bible as our guide - 1 Corinthians 13, 1 John 4:7-11, Ephesians 3:17-19 (she asked me to read this at her wedding, even after I'd been really mean to her - that's love), and countless other scriptures.

We take what we read and we attempt to apply it literally.  The Bible is a book of instructions given to a beloved group of people from a Father who only wants what's best for them. And we know "Love...rejoices in the truth" (1 Cor. 13:6).

So, when Jesus says, "turn the other cheek," it literally means that in a fight when a person hits you, love would guide you not to hit them back. For real. This is only figurative in that it can apply to non-physical fights.  If someone calls you a dirty name or cusses you out, you are not to retaliate.  Love stands down, takes the hit, extends forgiveness (without being asked) and does not hold a grudge. Look at Jesus on the day of his crucifixion. Whoa. We don't like this because we see "being a doormat" as enabling the other person's bad behavior.  But somehow Jesus didn't see it that way, and I can't presume to be smarter than him.

Honesty - You have to tell the truth. We make the mistake of believing that others are not smart enough, stable enough, or loving enough to handle our truths or treat us well in the face of our truths. That's where we have to be patient, loving, and forgiving and give them time, space, and resources to understand us.

Jess and my friendship finally became smoother when we learned how to disagree with each other and still be loving and supportive. Aristotle is attributed as saying, "It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it." As friends, we have to entertain each other's thoughts, feelings, ideas, plans, goals, and potential relationships.  We must entertain them, and if they need re-sculpting, be honest and loving enough to tell our friend why and offer support for how.

It is as simple as 1, 2, 3 and as incredibly difficult.  True communication, true friendship, true love, requires honesty to make us better people.  Someone has to tell you that you are spending too much time at the club to really make your business successful.  Someone has to tell you that the way you speak to people discourages collaboration.  The only way I've seen to be honest without ruining your rapport with people is to always temper your honesty with love.  The only way I know to be dedicated to love is to follow God's example, especially in Jesus Christ.

#iLoveTruth

Beautiful, Artistic Life

Life is beautiful. It all happens so fast.

I am a certified Starbucks barista. I love my job. I love the people I work with. I totally understand why friends like Amanda (Moorhead) Stephens have stayed there for so long. It's wonderful. Tiring sometimes, but great.

I've got some interesting feedback and ideas about OSGA and students involved in politics.

I'm working on my second and third pieces for The Loop Magazine.

I have texted the man a lot, but we haven't resolved anything or made any plans. I'm officially in waiting mode for him. I think. Unless "god" shows me something else.

Today I was really sad about that, but then I talked to my Lovesound, and just hearing her voice - her light, carefree, youthful voice - reminded me that we are young and beautiful and everything will be okay. So after work, I ate a little dinner and then went to Frank's tattoo shop to hang with him. I talked a blue streak and he drew me this picture:

He said my voice made him think of this. It's a flower in abstract. He said, "somebody should dissect that shit and figure out what it means." I told him I was fine with leaving it how it is: a cool picture that came from a conversation between artists/friends. We talked about two tattoos for him to put on me: my cherry blossom tree, and something he thought up on his own that I like. He said he'll teach me to play the guitar. I'm sharing song ideas with him.

I wrote the beginnings of a song. I have 85% of the words, and a fun little melody. It's about my version of "god." It's called "You Are the Messes Too."

I felt like a much better, more balanced, more beautiful version of myself while making art imitate life with Frank. I could never completely live his lifestyle, but I'm happy to let him rub off on me.

There's a guy Marcus Muse, who Frank taught to tattoo and who Frank has re-employed as a legit shop artist (rather than a janky, back room of the house artist), who specializes in paint. We hung with him a bit too. Frank called us a trifecta, and I immediately fell in love with the idea of this trio of very unique people spending time being creative together.

Days at school and work. Nights being creative with my boys. Writing writing writing. Hell yes.

"This is my beautiful life
The only thing certain is everything changes
The lows and the highs
and all those goodbyes
As hard as it gets I know it's still amazing to be alive
It's a beautiful life"

Losing Friends

I'm not talking about death, so don't feel too sorry for me.

I went to college and immediately joined a sorority. That brought with it a lot of issues about money, race, class, and socialization. One of the things that was really exciting about the house I joined is that so many of us have big goals and big dreams and we want to be influential in the lives of those around us. We had the reputation of being the girls you study with or ask to co-lead your organization or initiative.  We weren't the partiers or the sex-pots.  And I really felt like I fit in there. I love my sisters with all my heart. Being a part of that sorority taught me things I wouldn't have learned elsewhere and I am the woman I today because of them.

But there is one thing I have come to realize I get older.
After approximately sophomore year in college, and especially in a sorority, you see a lot more candle lightings and bachelorette parties and weddings. You hear a lot about lace and flowers and bridesmaids dresses. And no matter what kind of person you are, conversations about marriage and weddings and futures are more "fun" or "interesting" than conversations about politics, public service, or books will ever be.
One of the girls I met my first year became a close friend of mine. We noticed ourselves often sitting together at events and talking about things. We ended up being members of other organizations together and discovered that we have vaguely similar politics and vaguely similar personalities. We got really close the summer after sophomore year and remained so until I transferred schools.

I also got pretty close to the girl who was my big sister in the sorority. We spent my birthday together when I turned 20. I was at her graduation party. She and I have double dates with our moms. It's great fun. 

Well I haven't talked to either of those girls much this semester because one is our sorority president as well as the SGA chief of staff. She also has a demanding major and a wedding in approximately 50 days. My big sis has graduated and her job requires her to travel a lot. She also has a fiance, just recently, and is now planning a move and a wedding. 

Not too far into the semester when I realized that my friend and I never have time to hang out just the two of us, I got nervous. I got even more nervous when roads of conversation always led to her upcoming wedding. I don't have much to say about that because I don't get excited about weddings. She knows this, and we've agreed to disagree about it.

I saw her last week and we talked for a while. We talked about the sorority for a minute or two and about the Homecoming celebration they had just finished. And not five minutes later, I found myself searching for topics that would strike her interest. I don't have time to keep up with politics, so I couldn't ask her how she felt about the health care bill that was on the table. I don't do any extracurriculars at my new school so we couldn't compare busy schedules. I am out of the OCU loop now so we can't chat it up about the intricacies of the student government or the perception of our house on campus. So I told her some story about work or about Frank or about something else stupid that doesn't matter, because I couldn't of anything else to say and I didn't want to waste the little bit of time we had together.

Here's the main jist of this post:
It freaks me out when people grow away from each other. I am scared to death that once she gets married on December 31 we will have even less in common and once she graduates this May we will have nothing. What do I have to say to a married college graduate? "Great wedding pictures" "How's the hubby?" "Do you have a washer and dryer yet?" Blah blah blah. I won't know anything about her new life and everything about mine will be old news because she's already been there and done that.

Marriage isn't supposed to have to be the end of a friendship, nor is graduation, but my attitude toward love and marriage is one where I can only listen to someone talk about it for so long and so often.

A couple of weeks ago I saw my big sis write on my friend's Facebook wall, and she said let's get together next week. I was going to ask if I could come along. I haven't gone and had drinks with either of them, yet and I've been 21 for three months.  Then I saw one of them say to the other - "Can't wait to get together, have drinks and talk weddings!" Or something like that. And I realized that even if I had gone with them I would have been completely left out of the conversation anytime it turned to men, marriage, or weddings. They would have tried to include me because they are nice people, but really I would have put a damper on their fun. They wouldn't have felt comfortable gushing about colors and fabrics and honeymoons if I had been there. So I didn't even ask.

I don't want this to sound like it's their fault. God bless their marriages. The guys they are marrying are wonderful. God bless my friend's graduation. She has worked her ass off. God bless my big sis's job, she deserves something that makes her happy. But my friend's life will change, has changed, and mine will stay the same. I'm satisfied with my life, I just wish I could keep my friends in the process. I wish I could still hang out with them without feeling left out because I'm not getting married. I wish we still had enough conversation topics without weddings.

117,840 minutes

"525,600 minutes

525,600 moments so dear

how do you measure a year?

in daylights

in sunsets

in midnights

in cups coffee 

in inches 

in miles

in laughter

in strife

525,600 minutes

how do yo measure a year in the life?

measure in love

seasons of love

in truths that she learned

in times that he cried

in bridges he burned

in the way that she died

remember the love

in diapers, report cards

in spoked wheels 

in speeding tickets

in contracts, dollars,

in funerals 

in births

how do you figure a last year on earth?"

-"Seasons of Love" from the musical RENT

A few people I know are in the local production of RENT during the month of October.

The girl playing Mimi is a friend of mine. She is Mimi in RENT now. She was in Beauty and the Beast last October.  She was Ariel in Footloose last summer. She was in A Christmas Carol last winter.  And when she's not rehearsing or performing for a show, she's studying because she's in college. We don't have time to hang because she and I are both very busy. I was thinking about her earlier today. She is incredibly talented. She has a voice that makes me want to cry, it's so pure and beautiful. She can dance. She's a great actor. She is beautiful.

"Show weekend" is coming up this week. My group of friends centers our get-togethers on holidays, OCU dance recitals, and "Mimi"'s shows.  My best friend comes from Kansas, our friend comes from Louisiana, and about ten of us get dressed up and go to eat and to the theater.  It's our little bit of glamour. We're lucky. Thank God for OCU.

This is a photo of our group at Beauty and the Beast in April.







Yesterday and today I was listening to RENT, the film soundtrack. I am so excited about the show. I'm excited to see my friends. I'm excited about "show weekend." I'm excited that Frank is going with us this time.
I'm also disappointed in myself for not being as driven as "Mimi" (who has learned to live on very little food because neither her schedule nor her career are very conducive to large or good-tasting meals), or Kait (a dance performance major with arthritis who ALWAYS dances through the pain), or Jen (who has worked two jobs for three years along with school and dance).  They have always paid the price of fame. I never have.


All I have to do for my art is write, edit, memorize, and perform but most days I don't make the time to put pen to paper.  And if I do get something written, I don't get it edited. If it gets edited, it rarely gets memorized.  I've only performed twice since school started. I need to step up to the plate.  As John Legend sang, "the future started yesterday and we're already late."

Don't get me wrong. I work hard. I just feel like a lot of my hard work is arbitrary. Working at Chili's feels EXTREMELY arbitrary.

But here's how I measure my life:

in prayers

in hours worked

in dollars

in tanks of gas

in car accidents

in text messages

in text books

in energy drinks

in sicknesses

in pounds I haven't lost

So I am bound and determined to make more opportunities to take pictures, to spend more time with friends, to workout more, and to perform more.
I want the next 117,840 minutes to be a bit lovelier so that when I write my new year's blog I can be happy with how I wrapped it up.

This is us before RENT last weekend.

some prose about friendship and community

this is a non-fiction piece i'm working on. it's not yet titled.
(i think i'm becoming the type of person who can't title things until they are completely finished and edited)

"Life is born in a community. Existence is breathing, eating, going through the motions. But real living is about family and friends. Life is laughing until you cry. It’s crying at a good book. Life is dancing until you sweat your hair out. It’s hugs and drinks on the house. You can’t really have a life if you’re alone.

"That’s the reason I almost moved to Kansas. I met my Topeka-native best friend at college here in Oklahoma City, but when she decided she didn’t want to make dance her career, she realized that there was no need to pay the high tuition at the premier institution for dance in Middle America. She went back home to be a math education major.

"I lived life for the first time when I was with her. We partied together, dance around our dorm in pajamas together, listened to *NSYNC while cleaning our rooms together, and best of all we were together for the hard times. I was there when her boyfriend broke up with her again. She was there when kids from my high school kept dying. Together, we made the decision for her to transfer.

"When I discovered that I wanted to teach, we talked about me transferring to her school or to one near hers. It just seemed perfect. There was really nothing tying me to Oklahoma, nothing keeping me here. We could be roommates again. We would be each other’s support system in a whole new way because we have the same philosophy about teaching. We don’t want to teach at private schools where the money might be better and the risks lower. We want to teach where a lot of the kids have little direction or motivation, where we can actually make a difference in their lives. She asked me an important question. She said, 'Naj, do you really want to go to work all day and fight the good fight with people who won’t help, and then come home at night to an empty kitchen with no friends, no husband, and no cat?'

"The only answer to that question was no. That sounds like an easy way to get tapped out before I really get started. So I was going to leave. I was going to move to Lawrence in January of 2010 and start learning how to teach.

"And then it happened.

"I was sitting in front of Starbucks in Bricktown waiting until it was time to go to work. I was reading a book, but was all of the sudden overwhelmed by my love for Oklahoma and the potential it has to be the perfect balance between city and country. I came to the realization that was partially my undoing. Who is going to change this place for the better? The Spirit said, “Why not me?” When will I be able to accomplish this? And the Spirit said, “Why not now?”
This realization, this calling if you will, has messed up all of my plans. Jennifer’s long-term boyfriend (who she got back together with, more than once, since then) is inextricably bound to Topeka. Jen doesn’t really want to leave either. And I am now called to accomplish something beautiful in Oklahoma. We are destined to be four hours apart forever.

"Approximately once every two weeks one of us text messages the other to talk about how miserable we are because no one in our respective state is as cool as our “BFF/Love Sound/Roomie For Life.” We each have acquaintances, even friends that we spend time with. Jen has a new roommate. But neither of us can connect to anyone the way we connect to each other.

"That is the only fear I still have about my life here. Where will the support come from? Who’s going to cook for me when I come home worn to the bone and stressed out about the kids at school? Better yet, who’s going to push me to stay up studying when I’m in my fifth year of my undergrad because I changed my major? The kids you go to the club with are not that down. The guy you chat to when neither of you are busy is not that into you.

"So how do you build a community when the one you want is out of your reach?"

------
i would genuinely like answers to that question if you have them...how do you build a community when the one you want is out of your reach?

14/30 - Make Me Better

I don't want you to save me.
I want you to pull the bravery out of me.
I don't want you to kiss my wounds.
Just remind me that the rest of the world has been wounded too.
Don't tell me it'll be okay.
Tell me to fix it myself if I want it my way.
Don't pamper or baby me.
Push me hard so I'll become the best that I can be.

But be there when I cry,
When it really gets too rough and I feel like I could die.
Hold my hand sometimes.
Just make sure my sadness doesn't make you tell me lies.
Pull me out of the muck and mire
Then remind that bravery is courage under fire.