Say What? Word?

In my last post, I used the premise of Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat, Pray, Love to give some guidelines for having a fulfilled life: pray, "eat," and live. As promised, in this post I am going to discuss my theory of "eating" a bit more.

I already mentioned "[hu]man does not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God" (Matthew 4:4).

What are God's words? The easy answer is: the Bible. The educated answer is: God's words are those which proclaim the Gospel, the good news, of salvation through Divine intervention.

Let me clarify: The only reason I did not leave my declaration at "the Bible - period" is because I believe, like Tommy Tenney (author of the famous Christian text The God Chasers), that God has not stopped speaking to His people since he gave John the Revelation and since Paul wrote his inspired epistles to the early churches. "God is the same yesterday, today, and forever" (Hebrews 13:8), so it doesn’t make sense that He would stop giving us prophets, relevant and timely instruction, and revelation.

I think there are dozens of books out there written by people who listen just as closely to God as Matthew and Amos and Moses listened to God. And I think their words are just as relevant to living a godly life as those in the canonized Bible. These authors’ books typically include biblical cross-references along their original revelations.

I will not name specific other books of scripture in this post, but I will say this: Christianity hinges on the revelation (not the intellectual knowledge) that Jesus, the Christ, who was both God and man allowed himself to be killed in order to "pay for" human sinfulness (Phil. 2:5-8). All religions I have studied acknowledge that humans are inclined toward wrong doing more than right doing. Most theism (or “belief in God”) acknowledges that God is "holier," better, stronger than humans. As a Christian, I believe that Jesus's death paid (past tense) the price for my sin. It happened immediately in the instant of his death, and now only has to be accepted.

I am going to disagree with some theologians here, though, and say: I don't think Jesus came to earth, lived, was tortured, died, and rose again (that's the difference; martyrs are a dime a dozen) primarily to save us from hell. Why not? Because I don't believe that the people who attempted to be faithful to God before Jesus's earth tour went to hell. I believe Jesus's death and resurrection were ordained by God to give us a chance at a better life on earth, an opportunity for the life God wanted when He created humans in the first place. Now THAT’S GOOD NEWS!

Christianity is about being saved from the effects of sin in our lives on earth more so than the after-life result of rejecting God's sovereignty. We are saved and able to engage in the process of becoming more whole, and therefore becoming holier and happier.

So, how do we measure if it is God’s word or not? In my prayerful, researched opinion, God's word is this:

• It DOES constantly require you to do better. 
• It DOES constantly remind you that you cannot do better without God. 
• It DOES come from a place of love. 
• It DOES NOT allow you to remain complacent. 
• It DOES NOT convince you that your next level is all about gritting your teeth and pulling yourself up by your bootstraps (none of that “they sleep, we grind” mentality). 
• It DOES NOT come from a place of judgment. 

Despite many Christians’ aversion to everything that hints at another religion, in Liz Gilbert's book her first act on her spiritual journey was to cry out to a God she wasn't sure she believed in and ask for help. Even she prayed first. And when God spoke; she listened and obeyed.

#iLoveWords

 For some information on other ways God speaks, check out Soul Medicine next week.

Have You Ever Been In Love?

Have you ever been in love?

Like seriously in love - you talk to him every day and text him when you aren't talking and see him every chance you get?  Like you want to tell him all your good and bad news first?  Like nothing you do could ever be as fun without him?  Like you miss his presence on girls night and hanging with your family?

I feel you. I am a champion at falling in love.  In fact, I watched the movie Country Strong shortly after my own bouts with depression and suicidal tendencies.  I internalized the lead character's advice: "Don't be afraid to fall in love; it's the only thing that matters in life. The only thing. You just fall in love with as many things as possible."

This is a good tactic for getting yourself out of depression.  Lupe Fiasco, in his song, "2Ways" says, "you really like summer, you really like music, you really like reading, LOVE."  He's following similar advice.

But once you've given yourself reasons to keep living, to continue getting out of bed in the morning, there ought to be something more.

Would you believe me if I said each and every one of us was intelligently designed for the sole purpose of being head over heels, elbows over ankles, in love?

With God.

It might seem crazy because we find it so much easier to love things we can touch - ice cream, piano keys, grass, and a man's finger tips... but imagine for a second that your Lover doesn't have a job and yet still has boundless resources to shower on you?  So no matter when you want to "call Him," He's available and willing.  He gives gifts so much better than you can even imagine, much less pick out in a store.  Consider that the enormous capacity you - especially as a woman - possess for loving (we pick up dirty socks, change dirty diapers, and still manage to smile and give hugs) is primarily for loving God.  Understand that the only reason you are such a fantastic lover is because you have first been loved by Someone omniscient, omnipresent, and omnipotent.  And He deserves our reciprocation.

Don't be afraid to fall in love. But falling for God will eradicate the need to fall for anything else. All other "loves" are just gifts from God.

After all, God is the definition of Love (1 John 4:8).
#iLoveLove

Nothing But the Truth

Spoken word poet Alysia Harris embodies the art of telling the ugly truth in a beautiful way.  She speaks with her whole face, her whole body, she loses her voice and makes herself cry 90% of the time.  This is how you know what she's saying is true.  If you can write it, edit it, memorize and rehearse it and have it still bring you to tears, you're onto something.

She tweeted this quote years ago:

The best example I have of this truth is me and my bestie, Jess.  She and I have been making best friendship work for almost 8 years.  Over the last 6 months, we have been really committed to deepening our friendship by talking more regularly even though she lives in Germany (remember last week's post? Make it work. We use the Voxer app) and praying with and for each other.  We give each other updates on all the big stuff and all the little stuff several times a week.  When we disagree, we figure out why we disagreed. When we get frustrated we tell each other, we apologize, and we attempt to not make the same mistake again. We still sometimes make each other cry.

Any time you talk to someone this often, you will need a set of principles to guide you.

Here are the three things that work for us:

God - If Jess and I did not each (not one or the other, or one on behalf of the other) have a firm commitment to a God who never gives up on His relationship with us, we would probably have given up on our friendship with each other.  In fact, when we were both weaker in our faith, it was much harder and we made more and harsher mistakes.

Also, if we did not each understand a God who forgives endlessly and gives more grace than we could ever give or deserve, we would not have an example of how to treat each other with grace and forgiveness.

Love - Jess and I have spent countless hours discussing the different facets of that four-letter word.  We always use the Bible as our guide - 1 Corinthians 13, 1 John 4:7-11, Ephesians 3:17-19 (she asked me to read this at her wedding, even after I'd been really mean to her - that's love), and countless other scriptures.

We take what we read and we attempt to apply it literally.  The Bible is a book of instructions given to a beloved group of people from a Father who only wants what's best for them. And we know "Love...rejoices in the truth" (1 Cor. 13:6).

So, when Jesus says, "turn the other cheek," it literally means that in a fight when a person hits you, love would guide you not to hit them back. For real. This is only figurative in that it can apply to non-physical fights.  If someone calls you a dirty name or cusses you out, you are not to retaliate.  Love stands down, takes the hit, extends forgiveness (without being asked) and does not hold a grudge. Look at Jesus on the day of his crucifixion. Whoa. We don't like this because we see "being a doormat" as enabling the other person's bad behavior.  But somehow Jesus didn't see it that way, and I can't presume to be smarter than him.

Honesty - You have to tell the truth. We make the mistake of believing that others are not smart enough, stable enough, or loving enough to handle our truths or treat us well in the face of our truths. That's where we have to be patient, loving, and forgiving and give them time, space, and resources to understand us.

Jess and my friendship finally became smoother when we learned how to disagree with each other and still be loving and supportive. Aristotle is attributed as saying, "It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it." As friends, we have to entertain each other's thoughts, feelings, ideas, plans, goals, and potential relationships.  We must entertain them, and if they need re-sculpting, be honest and loving enough to tell our friend why and offer support for how.

It is as simple as 1, 2, 3 and as incredibly difficult.  True communication, true friendship, true love, requires honesty to make us better people.  Someone has to tell you that you are spending too much time at the club to really make your business successful.  Someone has to tell you that the way you speak to people discourages collaboration.  The only way I've seen to be honest without ruining your rapport with people is to always temper your honesty with love.  The only way I know to be dedicated to love is to follow God's example, especially in Jesus Christ.

#iLoveTruth

Snow Day 2013

Today was the first snow day of my career. It started sleeting and snowing as we left school yesterday and schools around the state were cancelled today.

So I spent the day organizing my life - which I do every break I get - and getting ready to publish my first poetry book, The Risk to Bloom.  I am done with my part of the writing.  I have two people writing introductions, though I might only choose one.  I need to write an author's note and choose cover art.  I am scheduling a promotional photo shoot. I have appointed a creative director - my best friend, Jessica, who I don't pay, lol. Yet!  And I am overwhelmed in a good way.

I wrote and edited a poem for a show next week. Procrastinor, much? But I like the poem. Working sporadically on memorization.
The show is going to be incredible.  I'm excited for Soul Williams and honored that I was chosen to be a part of the magic.

I have realized that listening to poets - specifically The Strivers Row - on YouTube while I write, edit, and rehearse keeps me motivated. So while I was doing that, I heard this and needed to post it.


Alysia Harris is everything. Everything.

She loves Jesus, too, if you were wondering. Follow her twitter. 

My Identity

This blog was more or less created around the idea of identity. 

 

I identify myself by who I am and who I will always be no matter what: human, woman, Black, Latina...

 

 

 

...by what I am right now and love being, but have to make a conscious decision to remain as: natural, Oklahoman, following God, a high school teacher, not married (yes, this is a conscious decision), striving for justice and love, a writer, a performer, an editor...

 

 

 

...by what I love doing: a book lover, a baby snuggler, a thinker, a music lover, a dreamer...

 

 

 

...and by a couple things I know are temporary: a master's student, not married, trying to stay healthy.

  

For the purpose of not letting this be the world's longest blog series, I will narrow it down to the few identifiers I want to talk about. I have already discussed my God-following and health at length (and I'm sure there will be more in future). Over the next few posts, I will discuss being Black and Latina (or Latinegra or Afrolatina), being a woman and being natural (probably together), being a woman and being unmarried, being a writer, and being human (which will have a spiritual focus, of course).   

 

Here is a teaser quote:

"I am an endangered species, but I sing no victim songs. I am a woman. I am an artist, and I know where my voice belongs." - Dianne Reeves

 

How do you identify yourself? "Hi, my name is _______ and I am __________"???

Why Did I Get Married?

I'm not married, but I spend a lot of time thinking about whether I ever want to be. Some would say that since I'm not dating, I shouldn't even think about it. But I feel like marriages fail when you don't prepare for them. So if I ever want to be married, I need to know what tactics will keep that marriage from failing.

I come from a divorced home. This not surprising considering that my father and mother were each other's second marriage (60% of second marriages become divorces, DivorceRate.org). My cousin is about to get divorced, which is still not surprising (41% of first marriages become divorces) despite all of our family's efforts to choose good spouses.

Six of the women in my family sat down the other night to talk about what's happening with my cousin, and at the end of it, I found myself wondering: why do we even bother?

Why get married? For love? Tina Turner said, and I tend to agree, that love is nothing "but a second-hand emotion." There are lots of times when you love someone you don't marry or marry someone you don't love. Plenty of our ancestors married people they didn't love and stayed together for 50 or 60 years. So I don't think it's all about love.

My aunt said humans are supposed to create families; in other words we marry to create a family unit for the kids we want to have. I think that perspective is fine if one wants to have children. But, in my opinion, having children is something that needs to be re-evaluated as well. My cousin has a baby, and although she loves her daughter very much, and her daughter is happy, there will come a time when she will suffer because her father is not around. Is it responsible of parents to bring children into a family unit that isn't "complete"? And some people just don't make good parents. They are too involved in their job or their personal pursuits to give a child the kind of attention it would need. So I don't think having kids is a valid reason to marry, not with the issues we have in America today.

So why get married?
The only thing I've heard that makes sense to me is this: marry someone who makes you happy and will help you do your life better than you could do it without them. My friend is graduating this May with degrees in English education and journalism. She is engaged to a man who will graduate at the same time with a degree in social studies education. They fit. They will help each other throughout life.

I think if we were all brutally honest with ourselves, we would not completely throw love to the way side, but we would acknowledge that a marriage is only partially about love; it's mostly about commitment. If we treated our marriages like our businesses (made time investments in them, thought about the future while planning the present, thought about the whole team/family) then maybe we'd have better retention rates.

Or maybe I'm just a huge cynic.

This Present Moment, in love

So I don't usually post things like this, because I feel like it's easy for people to become offended or to misread what you're saying. But I couldn't help it this time.


I believe that all good and perfect gifts come from the LORD (that's Scripture; I didn't make that up). I believe that sometimes, oftentimes even, GOD will let bad things happen to people (many worry about the difference between the words "let" and "cause." I think it doesn't matter) in order for them to learn important life lessons.


If you've been reading my blog for any amount of time, you probably know that 2009 was the absolute worst year of my life. It's not to say that nothing good happened, but there were definitely far too many small crises.


Looking back on the bad things (which ended around November) with a little bit of distance, I'm able to see how they all worked together to make me a better person. I feel better about my life at this present moment than I have in several years. I feel like everything is falling neatly into place where GOD wants it and where its most beneficial to a successful, happy, and useful life. I haven't finalized the details on a lot of things, but I have a peace that tells me everything is going to continue to work out just fine, better than fine (that's Scripture too, by the way).
Praise GOD from whom all blessings flow...
--
Since that part of the blog ended up being shorter than I thought it would, I'll go ahead and say this: I am so baffled as to why more people don't base their whole spiritual journey on this Scripture: "Love the LORD your GOD with all your heart, soul, mind and strength. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets hinge on these commandments."
I believe with all my heart that people get so hung up on the minor commandments and the Law that they forget, even while they quote this verse, how simple this life can be if we focus. Love GOD and love people (both of which imply a love of self) and THAT'S IT. Everything, not most things, EVERYTHING else hinges on it.


This message came home for me when I realized that I was my best self when I was loving others. I "being rooted and grounded in love" was able to see "the width and length and depth and height" of GOD's love for us. And for that reason, "I bow my knees" to my GOD. For that reason. Not because I'm scared of going to hell, or because I long for pearly gates and rivers of gold. Not because my family tells me it's what I have to do. I bow my knees because I was able to see the enormity of GOD's love. And once I saw it, I knew there was no going back. I love GOD because I was first loved by GOD.
I believe that if we show others that same kind of love, if everything we do is for the purpose of displaying that love in our actions and words, they (the masses) will come to bow their knees too.
I'm not an evangelist. I'm just trying to love the hell out of some people.

I Can Hear the Bells

I realize that I still haven't posted about the beautiful wedding that I went to over New Year's. I'm not sure why that is; maybe I did all my gushing verbally and in photos and their captions on Facebook (if we're not friends, we should be ;-)). Suffice it to say: it was the most beautiful wedding I've ever been to (the first in a long time that I truly enjoyed) and it made me rethink my thoughts on weddings.

Allow me to divert a little by saying, I am extraordinarily stubborn. If I get my mind set to do something or act a certain way, you will be proven wrong if you think I won't make it happen (all the more reason I should be able to lose 50 pounds, right?). I have been that way since I can remember. The problem is that I often don't back down, even if I've lost faith in my reason for the initial decision. Easy Example: I might say "Men should never wear skinny jeans." And then someone might show me a never-before-seen photo of Chris Brown or Idris Elba or Lupe Fiasco (guys I think are very hot) in a pair of skinny jeans that completely pull together his outfit. In my mind I might think, "I was wrong; he looks hot in those," but I will not say it aloud. I would probably cover with something like, "Well, anything looks better than awful on CBreezy."
In my defense, once I've seen three or four hot guys look hot in skinny jeans I might say, "Okay, fine. Men can wear skinny jeans IF they are as fine as Lupe."
I mentioned my stubbornness because this post is one of those I-renege-on-this-condition statements.

Up until the wedding of my best friend, I was what my sorority sisters called a "wedding hater." Not a marriage hater, because I'm definitely a fan of marriage, but not so much a fan of the flowers, lace, invitations, dresses, and color combinations that make up a wedding. I don't need to make my case about weddings and their pomp and pagentry; most people who will read this already know my position too well.
What I re-opened my computer in the middle of the night when I have a headache to say is: I now know how weddings can be done tastefully. I also now see where some of my distaste for them was unfounded. I projected the bad behavior of certain people, especially women, especially women with lots of money, onto all people. I projected the nonsense of some weddings onto all of them. And worst of all, I projected the brokenness of some relationships onto many, varied relationships. I am glad I was able to see in person what happens when a woman who I would never call spoiled or vapid or superficial marries a man who is not passive or emasculate or archaic because they are truly, madly, deeply in love and committed to making their situation work, not because it was just that time, or because their biological clock was ticking, or to combine their incomes. I saw class and beauty and spirituality and diversity and love come together to show several of us what it can look like when done right.

I realized through the beauty (some have said "perfection" and I like that word too) of my dear friend, the bride, that a wedding can symbolize a relationship, that a perfect bride can symbolize a lovely woman. And I am now able to admit that part of the reason I was loathe to see myself walking down an aisle of adoring onlookers on a cloud of bridal bliss and poise and grace and class is because I don't consider myself to be someone to be adored, someone who possesses poise or grace or an abundance of class. I never have seen my life - present or future - as entitled to bliss or perfection or awe-inspiration.
On one level, I aim to be a bit more graceful, a bit classier in future. The world could use more of that. On another level, I appreciate some of my "rough edges" some of the things that will never look perfect in lace accessorized by something borrowed and something blue.

So I have outlined some things symbolic of myself as a woman to whom a man would promise: "forever and ever, amen."
I have an idea for a dress (likely tailor-made): white, strapless, T-length, with a cherry blossom tree growing up from the bottom hem in full bloom and color (shades of pink and green). This dress is accessorized mainly by the quarter-sleeve tattoo I'm getting on my left shoulder, pink pumps, pink nail polish. Simple, pretty, but never traditional.
I have an idea for a ceremony that is much less formal than the usual wedding ceremony and consists of several people (generally bridesmaids and groomsmen) speaking to or on behalf of the bride and groom. I think I'd like a non-pastorly-type to officiate; someone with a license but not someone who I know as Pastor So-and-So. I'd like them to be someone who speaks into my life on a more casual and likely more regular basis. I want to enter (walk down the aisle) to something like Anthony Hamilton's "Dear Life."
I have an idea for a reception that lasts until we're all finished dancing, not just until my husband and I are ready to start the baby-making. And a day-after brunch to gush and look at photos and spend more time being blissfully happy.

I am now inspired to become more like the beautiful friend whose man liked it so much he put a ring on it this past new year's eve, but to do so in a way that makes me, Najah, a better version of myself, not another version of her.

I hereby renege my angry statements about weddings being stupid and a waste of time and money (Oh my goodness. I actually felt a piece of my ego being severed from the whole - and it was a good thing). I maintain, as a point of contention, and because I still believe it, that weddings should never become a competition, a pageant, a ruse, an obligation, a burden, or a misrepresentation of the bride and groom. Make your wedding yours and your spouse's. Make it say your names. Make it exemplify who you are as a couple. Don't ever ask it to scream, "I'm better than So-and-So's wedding!" Your wedding attire should make you look like the best version of yourself, and that may not be a candidate for the cover of Martha Stewart Weddings. And that's okay.

Wow. That's what you call a come-to-Jesus. Thanks, Bestie.
Also, don't worry that I've let out too many of my wedding secrets. By the time it actually goes down (5 years, 10 years, 15 years?) this post will be so far back in the archives that it won't be remembered.

The end.

PERFECT '10!

About a week ago, I had a moment when I decided there was no reason this shouldn't be a fantastic year. I feel like the unexpected things should be over and the hurtful things should have healed. I think the fear should be overcome and the handicaps should be made handi-capable. The tears are tears of relief and joy and awe, not frustration, anger, and futility. My glass is half full, and I am rooted and grounded, all dressed up, in love. 

"For this reason I bow my knees to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, from whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man, that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height— to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen."

(Ephesians 3:14-21)

That being said, I am so excited to start working out more. My sister Ashley and I are gonna train together for the OKC Bombing Memorial Marathon in April. This is important to me because my family is a healthy, athletic family and I want to create more opportunities for us to be together. Several of my cousins and my aunt and uncle run in marathons every year and I want to join in. It's healthy, it can be fun, and it's bonding time. I've done the weight loss thing before and I'm ready to do it again.

While I've been in Kentucky celebrating my best friend's wedding, my sisters and I have been discussing resolutions. Mine are short and simple. They are also things I've already started:

1) Read the whole Bible. I already have a plan with YouVersion.com and I'm actually really excited about it. I'm excited to learn more and seek GOD.

2) I want my life to mirror this statement: "I am not praying. I have become a prayer" (Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love).

3) I want my life to be the effect of this statement: "I am tired of painting myself 'will be' when YOU (GOD) are always 'I AM'" (Melissa May poem). I want to live in the now, focus on making each moment the best it can be.

4) Fit and healthy living. 

I have a lot of other mini-goals, but I think if I accomplish these 4 things, I'll be able to look back and say, "Yep, that was a perfect 2010."

I am happy. And I'm on way to looking like I feel on the inside.
"As within, so without"

Happy New Year!

More on the wedding later.

My Father's Love

He exists only in candid photographs emblazoned on my memory
He lives somewhere beyond the sea
But to me, he’s only the image of what never could be
Daddy
Mom said he used to speak Spanish to me
Used to tell me “No” once and I’d obey
Maybe that’s why I rebelled when he went away
I realized that obedience is not what makes parents stay.

Since I had no father with whom to cuddle up
I cradled King James’s God in my arms like if I could just hold tight enough
I wouldn’t feel so exposed.
I cried rivers of tears
I thought maybe the harder and longer I wept the more likely he was to hear
From Panama.

The churches built on King James’s God
Taught me that suffering is earned
Everyone falls short of the glory and that’s how you get hurt
It’s punishment well deserved
Their correct combination of rituals and words
Taught me that life wouldn’t be so hard
If I learned to tithe under the table to the Man in charge
I learned to work the system
And I was too young then to see
That their salvation system had hoodwinked me

Well-behaved people do not create history.
In fact, there was a man who behaved so badly
He spent all of his 33 years avoiding capture by the authorities.
This man showed us how to forgive
He showed us his way and then asked us to do it better than him.

We have failed at what put Jesus a cut above
It was his boundless capacity for forgiveness and love
We’re so busy pleasing King James’s God by obeying
And providing Caesar with taxes from the store we were saving
That we no longer stop to break bread and commune
We are no longer tuned to the heartbeat of the universe

Sometimes I still miss my daddy
But when I open my mind and heart wide enough
I feel all of the love that he could have ever given me
Because it exists in the very air I breathe

15/30 - I Want To Kiss The World

Give me strength
I can already see the change I want to make
I know the steps I need to take
I'm doing it for the future's sake

Give me love
I'll need motivation to go beyond and above
It'll push me forward when competition's not enough
I'll hold me together when the times are too tough

Give me peace
when change is slow and things are futile as they seem
I'll need it when I lack the strength to swim upstream
May it be the image in my head when I can't stand what I see

Give me drive
That's what will keep me fighting for our lives
It's how I'll know that I'm among the strong who will survive
It'll keep me focused on my reason to be alive

Help me endure
I want to live for a cause that's right and pure
I want to continue forward when my mind just isn't sure
I want to kiss the world where no one's touched before

So show me how
I'm feeling ready; you can start the process now
Let the winds rage so I'll learn to stand and never bow
Show me the heights so I look to them and keep from falling down

Remind me why
Tattoo the dream to the backs of my eyes
Place a burden on my heart that makes me ache inside
And until the job is done, don't let me run or hide

MAKE ME GO
I'll need to watch you run when my feet are feeling slow
Don't let me bow out because of things I don't yet know
Promise me that my sacrifice will help them grow

Give me
Strength like rivers rushing
Love like a god dying
Peace like the wind shushing
Drive like warriors vying
Endurance like an athlete
Strategy like the end of days
Purpose until all's complete and
Force that can't be swayed
until I kiss the world.

10/30 - Oath to Poetry

I swear...
You distract me in a way that makes me think on-task is a joke.
You fill me to the point of bursting
and I want to explode in front of a crowd so they know
that I love you like smooth chocolate mousse sliding down my throat.

We met a long time ago, when I was young.
My little girl's eyes couldn't see the real beauty you possess.
At that time I was too shallow to understand your depth.
You were a passtime, a plaything,
one more way to show the world I know how to overachieve.
Now your depths have made me more aware.
I understand, but I'm still too shallow to meet you there.
Or maybe I'm scared of what lies that deep.
I never go farther than two or three feet.
But maybe our connection is buried in my past.
Maybe I must face my demons if I want to make this last...

Or maybe that's not true.
I swear, you keep me needlessly confused.

What if...
what if the key is simple undivided focus on you?
I lose sight of what matters when I start to focus on myself.
You start to guide me one way and I end up somewhere else.
I just need my feet to follow the gaze of my eyes.

I swear...
I want you delve into you so deep that I get lost inside.
If you had skin, I would wish to be tattooed to the underneath.
If you had blood, I'd want to be the cells that make it look red when you bleed.
If you could walk, I'd lay my body down on puddle to make sure you stayed dry.
If you were a mortal in need of life breath, I would give you all of mine.

Just teach me what I have to do to get close to you.
Who must I be?
Through what new eyes must I learn to see?
In what new hemisphere must I learn to live?
How many more years do I have to give before you kiss me with the gift?

I suppose it doesn't matter.
Nothing you do could change the way I feel.
I could never give up on the only thing that's always real.
I am yours for all of time.
Tell me that you'll have me, and I'll give you my very life.

I swear.

----
Now I'm only 5 behind instead of 6.

9/30 - Simile for Love

I love you like flowers love sunshine
and like the desert loves heat.
I love like back massages when I'm tired too
and telling you when you have food in your teeth.

I love you like joint showers
and letting you stand under the water
while my teeth chatter against your bare chest.
I love you like that time it only last five minutes
but that short time was the best.

I love you like chocolate cake and fresh-baked bread.
I love you like half-priced ink.
And get this: I love you MORE than the color pink...

I love you like my next breath
and the sound of rain when there's nothing else to do.
I love you like twenty-one years
and all the trouble I can get into.

I love you like Jesus loved sinners,
Like Gandhi loved peace,
Like Buddha loved happiness.
I love you like the homeless love their next meal,
Like oxygen loves trees,
Like grass loves dew.
I love you more than this poem can express
and I don't even know you.

2/30 - Agape

Love is lying to you about what I said because I don't want to hurt you.
Love is ignoring the past
and making myself not ask the questions I won't like the answer to.
Love is glad I don't have the money to pay you.
It's glad that I streamlined
and stopped getting high.
Love is glad I laid down the knife
and now use the right tools to fight.

Love tried
but really is no longer mad at you.

Love wants you to succeed.
It wants to you always have everything you need and then some.
Where love is there's no place for greed or deceit.
You and I were never meant to be.
Maybe you and she are...
but if you're not...
I hope each of you drops the other gently.
And even if you don't think this is what you need
I hope you find somebody who can see

See your talent
See your dreams
See your potential to do unimaginable things.
I hope you find someone to sew your seams,
to make you laugh and drink your tears,
work out your kinks and help you fight your fears.

Love has let you go and can't wait to see you rise
above the horizon line into a blue sky ready to help you shine.