Beauty Heals Broken Hearts

In my last post (skip the video and the book review) I talked about how God's desire is for us to behave in a way that attracts people to His goodness.  That should trump any beauty regiment or product sales.

On May 3, LifeChurch.tv did baptisms. I stood in the sanctuary and jumped and danced and lifted my arms in worship, and cried and cried and cried.  I had an ecclesiastical epiphany.  I knew on a deep level that everything in the world: every task, every product, every relationship is utterly meaningless until someone's life is changed in a way that leads them to the cross of Christ and the realization that those who find God find the life for which we were created.

"And the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace."

That afternoon, I posted this status to Facebook:

"I've never posted anything like this before. But it feels right, so I'm gonna go with that. 

My spirit just said "You are going to feel like your life is in shambles (with brief, sporadic spots of hope and peace) until you have allowed the Lord to create a full-time ministry through you."

So. There it is. Anyone who knows about ministry jobs, or who wants to pay my bills so I can quit my job, hit me up."

10 people were so gracious as to respond thoughtfully and compassionately.  The prayer team at LifeChurch gave me a ton of support.  I had two really meaningful and important conversations with women of God who I have always looked up to.

In six weeks, I have learned two indescribably important lessons:

1. God speaks clearly. Always. 
• Problems arise when we are not properly positioned to hear and understand what He is saying.  I was moved by God's love for us, by His investment in returning us to our place of ruling the earth as extensions of Him.  I was also overwhelmed and disappointed at school. I was in pain that I was trying to rationalize away.  I was guilty of not allowing Him to be my strength and my joy and my help. That last statement about ministry jobs was my flesh denying God's ability and willingness to redeem my current and past ministry roles and callings.  There's an old LifeChurch sermon about how when some people landscape, they do it slowly section-by-section. Others raze the whole property and start over from scratch.  You can guess which category I'm in.
2. You can often discern God's voice because He is telling you what you don't want to hear (but what lines up with His word and what is right). 
• At the beginning of last school year, the Lord provided me with Bible verses to guide me, as well as a prayer team that supported me and gave me words of wisdom.  A guiding scripture for my teaching career has always been "those the Lord calls he also equips." But I was not letting Him equip me. I was not utilizing prayers and the anointing, or group accountability to do the job the Lord had assigned me.  Some of the pain was to purify me and some was self-inflicted.  God did not want to abandon His process by validating my weakness and lack of trust.  I am a teacher.  At least for now. 

The Lord was very clear when He spoke to me. "...until you have allowed the Lord to create a full-time ministry through you."  What He did not say was "...until you quit teaching." What He did not say was "...until you work at a church or in the mission field." He told me to allow Him to lead and to allow Him to hold the paintbrush.

Teaching is a ministry, I just have to be willing to serve.

But I also was placed in the path of a servant who loves the Lord and wants to free His daughters from sexual abuse and slavery.  I was so inspired by his compassion and simplicity (sometimes it's simple - if not easy: find safe houses, rescue women and girls) and determination (to put a permanent end to sex trafficking worldwide).  His project, Broken Hearts, is in the very beginning stages, but he planted a seed in me and I know will continue to do so for others.

Through a conversation with my sweet friend Ericka, a makeup artist and manager for MAC, about her passion for the company's philanthropy, I was reminded about Younique's dedication to domestic violence awareness (DVA) and support for victims.  This is not my first time working for DVA.  For three years of college, my sorority made a large effort to promote awareness.

I also remembered that my friend Maria has transitioned her mission to save souls in Haiti to include helping Haitian women rise up from their discrimination and high rate of violent and sexual victimization and empower them to create better lives for themselves and their children.  Her Jasper House will open this year.

In the USA, Christians spend a lot of time talking about how women hurt themselves by the relationships they choose, clothes they wear, friends they model.  We talk about our petty and catty tendencies.  We talk about working versus nurturing our family and about church leadership or back-row seats.  But we ignore the enemy's darker and more violent attack on our femininity and our ability to see, embody, maintain, and exude the beauty God had in mind for us from the beginning.  We don't talk about violence and sexual assault.

And we definitely don't ask ourselves enough if we can help.

In September, it will be a year since I focused my creative energies around three words: Truth. Beauty. Inspiration. Through my recent revelations and the lens through which I now see so many things (advertising, pornography, the premature and exaggerated sexualization of young women), I will be narrowing that focus down even further.

The Truth is Yeshua, the Messiah, the Savior, the soon returning and reigning King. "Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to [humans] by which we must be saved" (Acts 4:12). He is also the Word, our logos - the reason we do anything (John 14).

Beauty is everywhere and IN EVERY ONE OF US, especially women of God.

We are called to use that beauty to Inspire others towards the greatness inside them, whether our husbands, our students, our best friends, our church family or the world.

I am working on a plan and system by which I dedicate my Younique sales, book sales, and performance payments first, to paying off my credit cards so that I can reallocate my salary toward an apartment and then house of my own so that I can be hospitable to others. Secondly, and more importantly, to donate and undergird the missions of Broken Hearts and the Jasper House.

Until (and even after) I have generated the funds to be able to allocate and reallocate them, my makeup photos will take on a more focused connection to the beauty in us already and the healing and empowerment God desires for us.

This post is plenty long enough, but there will be more and more and more on this topic in the future. Thank you to my Bold, Brave and Pretty sisters who helped me get here!

What can you do to help?
Buy makeup!
Buy my poetry book! Contact me for instructions.
Pray for me!

#TrueBeautyInspires

Despite the Light of That Same Star...

This post is maybe a month too long overdue.

If you follow me on Facebook or Twitter or Tumblr, you know that I am mad as hell about all of the young black people, and especially black men, who have died, especially at the hands of police officers, in recent months and years. If you've been following me, you know I think the United States's justice system and police departments need an intense overhaul. However, you might not know, unless you know me really well, that I have not considered myself to be solely under the jurisdiction of the United States for some years now. I believe I'm a citizen of the kingdom of God and I give to Caesar what is Caesar's and to God what is God's (Matthew 22:21 and Mark 12:17). If you heard my poems either at Purple Martini or Ice Event Center the last couple of weeks, you've heard how my previous self and my current self are a bit at war with each other. If you're my sweet half white and half boricua Haitian missionary friend, you know that I don't hate white people. I am blood related to two really adorable, sweet three-fourths white babies and I love their mama to pieces.  But it is sometimes hard to love people who abuse their privilege, specifically white people.  If you're my Favorite or a friend we met at a political leadership conference, you know that #blacklivesmatter isn't just about politics; it's about relationships - especially when you are/look white.

  


But if you're anyone else who has not had a personal conversation with me about these events and our reactions you might be thinking I'm a reverse racist. You might be angry at my audacity to stand up for all black lives, even those of petty thieves, even at the risk of police officers lives because police are supposed to protect and serve the community. If you are any number of dozens or hundreds of white people who I have gone to church with, held hands with, prayed with, and gotten closer to the Lord with over the last 20 years, you might be thinking I've completely lost my faith.
The good news is: I haven't lost my faith. The bad news is: God and I have yet to come to a conclusion about how to appropriately handle racism in America today. You're going to want to talk to me about submission and how God and I don't have to come to a conclusion about anything because He's in charge. In response, I'm only going to say you don't know the way our relationship works. You're going to want to tell me to turn the other cheek and to love them anyway, because after all they nailed Jesus on the cross. In response, I'm going to say Dr. Martin Luther King a reverend who was martyred didn't just turn the other cheek.  And I have yet to loot or burn or physically harm anyone in my anger (like a small minority of protestors in Ferguson did). That's probably the best you're going to get for now.

I have been steadily distancing myself from all American social norms that are not based in truth and justice.  This includes nearly all American politics, and the American church's semi-allegiance to a blond-haired, blue-eyed guy named Jesus instead of a Hebrew carpenter named Yeshua and the God he represented, Yahweh.  Boycotting and awareness are nasty business.  Not fun.  They don't help you make friends.  But I can't stand idly by and watch the world burn without doing or saying anything. The Yeshua who tossed temple tables and was crucified for his stance against the theocracy (religious politics) of his day didn't just stand by and watch.

But to the point of this post...
I went to church last weekend at LifeChurch.tv not IVVC (an elaboration which I will not now or ever make in blog format). Pastor Craig is in a series about worship which is quite meaningful to me personally, considering I have left and joined, left and joined 3 churches on the premises of worship for the last 8 years or more. This past week he chose to discuss of all things tithes and offerings. I have been a diligent tither for a very long time because Pastor Charles (IVVC) is an excellent tithes preacher. I have learned thoroughly that the members of the Kingdom of God benefit from operating on the kingdom's system of "seed + time = harvest."  If you've been following me since last March you've seen me post two or three times about financial blessings that came from seeds sown into the kingdom.  But I am not really ashamed to say I was not happy to hear Pastor Craig speak on this topic this past weekend.  I currently don't really consider anywhere my church home, and have not tithed for the last two or three paychecks.  From my seat, I passively resisted his sermon and without a happy heart gave my six dollar tithe on my earnings from my last poetry show.

This post is about how despite all the turmoil in the world, despite the fact that I'm boycotting Christmas, despite the fact that every thing is fraught with tension and hardship, and that it has even been a rough week at school, God doesn't break promises. I sat in the service and thought: "These tithes aren't doing anything for me! When I was paying them I wasn't moving any further out of debt!" But, for you atheists out there, for my social justice friends who are more on my side now that I'm mad at the Man and who avoided my newsfeed last March when I was all "Jesus this, and God's promises that," for my American Christian friends who have a nativity scene on the mantle where Santa is bowing to Baby Jesus, this is for you.

I was on the phone with one of my five credit card companies a couple of weeks ago, because I realized they were still charging me for a service I had asked of them to turn off. Paying for that service usually meant I was only paying $10 or $20 on my bill every month. They offered then and confirmed this week that not only would they cancel the service but they would refund me all the money I've paid for the service since I've had the card. The refund will be in the amount of $600. That is more than half the balance on my card.

I know you want to say "they're just making up for their mistake," but that's not what this is. Credit card companies want to take your money not give it back.  Despite the way it looks to me, despite my anger on Saturday, despite my resistance, my participation in God's system and my lack of trust in the world's system has now translated to a bill that's paid down farther than I would've been able to pay it.

Despite the fact that I don't really know what church I go to - although I will be paying my tithes at Life Church, despite the fact that I probably have not been anywhere near as loving through this social unrest as God would have wanted me to be, despite some of my personal downfalls that I have yet to overcome even though I know where the power lies, God does not renege on his system or his promises.  He is a better steward of our finances then we are, and definitely a better steward than this world is.  God doesn't throw a tantrum and stop being who He is just because we have forgotten who we are, or because we feel the need to become someone new.  I don't have a denomination.  I'm not celebrating Christmas.  I am opting further and further out of a political system, social system, cultural system that only contracts to protect and provide for certain people.  I am tuning my ear and my heart to a God with a system that never ever fails no matter who you are or what you look like.

In case you're wondering - God's system has very specific rules and boundaries because it has extravagant rewards and benefits. He gives mercy and grace to those who need it and requires much from those to whom much has been given.  The "buy-in" to the system, the pledge of allegiance if you will, is not a fancy indoctrinated prayer, but a willingness to trade your way for His.  He asks for a lot.  His system works best for those who give Him everything.  That is a very tall order, but true protection, true peace, true fulfillment have no other source.  I am not a Christian because it's cool, or because America is a Christian nation (it is not), or because a church told me to be.  I try to follow in the footsteps of Yeshua because in him and because of Yahweh who sent him is the only salvation.  It's not about heaven and hell; it's about how to make it through life.

"These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.” - John 16:33

(title is a muddling of the lyrics to the second verse of "The First Noel")
(side note: Those of you who refuse to tithe, because you don't want to give your money to the church, I get it. But tithing is not a pact with the church; it's a pact with God. Connect with Him, not just with His representatives who sometimes misrepresent Him)

Every Time I Turn Around

Everyone has a different way of reacting to the world and to authority.

I am, by nature, a person who makes my own rules. I battle pride and I think I am smart enough to figure out my own way that works for me. It takes a long time for me to trust someone enough to submit to them and to listen when they tell me something.  This is especially hard when I have to change my attitude or my behavior! I first attempt to justify why I don’t need to change. And then I punk out by saying I can’t do it.

I even do this with God.

I know a lot of really great, strong Christians.  My “brothers” favorite phrases are “no days off,” “stay ready so you don’t have to get ready,” and “die daily.”  And they are diligent, excellent living testimonies to these phrases. 

But sometimes I get so caught up in that high expectation that I beat myself up because I “can’t” meet the standard.  But God reminded me that we are called to live a life of repentance – turning, changing.  Why? Because He knows that we will sometimes mess up.  And if we get into the habit of turning around, we can spend less time battling guilt and more time thanking God for His grace that meets us where we are. 

I could do penance from here to eternity for all the ways I’ve failed.  Or I could skip that and simply say, “I messed up again.  I am sorry again.  I am turning from that bad behavior and turning toward You.”  Even if I have to say that 20 times a day, it’s better than staying in my sin because I’m too afraid of the cycle. 

Repentance is holiness. 

And maybe the reason my brothers stay ready, the reason they are on Team Die Daily is because they have mastered the turning minute by minute.  I just have to speed up.

Say What? Word?

In my last post, I used the premise of Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat, Pray, Love to give some guidelines for having a fulfilled life: pray, "eat," and live. As promised, in this post I am going to discuss my theory of "eating" a bit more.

I already mentioned "[hu]man does not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God" (Matthew 4:4).

What are God's words? The easy answer is: the Bible. The educated answer is: God's words are those which proclaim the Gospel, the good news, of salvation through Divine intervention.

Let me clarify: The only reason I did not leave my declaration at "the Bible - period" is because I believe, like Tommy Tenney (author of the famous Christian text The God Chasers), that God has not stopped speaking to His people since he gave John the Revelation and since Paul wrote his inspired epistles to the early churches. "God is the same yesterday, today, and forever" (Hebrews 13:8), so it doesn’t make sense that He would stop giving us prophets, relevant and timely instruction, and revelation.

I think there are dozens of books out there written by people who listen just as closely to God as Matthew and Amos and Moses listened to God. And I think their words are just as relevant to living a godly life as those in the canonized Bible. These authors’ books typically include biblical cross-references along their original revelations.

I will not name specific other books of scripture in this post, but I will say this: Christianity hinges on the revelation (not the intellectual knowledge) that Jesus, the Christ, who was both God and man allowed himself to be killed in order to "pay for" human sinfulness (Phil. 2:5-8). All religions I have studied acknowledge that humans are inclined toward wrong doing more than right doing. Most theism (or “belief in God”) acknowledges that God is "holier," better, stronger than humans. As a Christian, I believe that Jesus's death paid (past tense) the price for my sin. It happened immediately in the instant of his death, and now only has to be accepted.

I am going to disagree with some theologians here, though, and say: I don't think Jesus came to earth, lived, was tortured, died, and rose again (that's the difference; martyrs are a dime a dozen) primarily to save us from hell. Why not? Because I don't believe that the people who attempted to be faithful to God before Jesus's earth tour went to hell. I believe Jesus's death and resurrection were ordained by God to give us a chance at a better life on earth, an opportunity for the life God wanted when He created humans in the first place. Now THAT’S GOOD NEWS!

Christianity is about being saved from the effects of sin in our lives on earth more so than the after-life result of rejecting God's sovereignty. We are saved and able to engage in the process of becoming more whole, and therefore becoming holier and happier.

So, how do we measure if it is God’s word or not? In my prayerful, researched opinion, God's word is this:

• It DOES constantly require you to do better. 
• It DOES constantly remind you that you cannot do better without God. 
• It DOES come from a place of love. 
• It DOES NOT allow you to remain complacent. 
• It DOES NOT convince you that your next level is all about gritting your teeth and pulling yourself up by your bootstraps (none of that “they sleep, we grind” mentality). 
• It DOES NOT come from a place of judgment. 

Despite many Christians’ aversion to everything that hints at another religion, in Liz Gilbert's book her first act on her spiritual journey was to cry out to a God she wasn't sure she believed in and ask for help. Even she prayed first. And when God spoke; she listened and obeyed.

#iLoveWords

 For some information on other ways God speaks, check out Soul Medicine next week.

Pray, Eat, Live

I read the book Eat Pray Love twice before the movie came out.  I saw the movie in the theater and only loved it because it was a condensed version of my favorite book.  And because Julia Roberts is in it and I love her.  I had a couple of friends who were impacted by Liz Gilbert's insight the way I was.

And then I studied the book with a class who took the stance of most of the world - a rich, white lady decides to travel the world and masquerade it as spiritual and personal growth.  Really she just had an awesome vacation.  Well, someone has their knickers in a knot.

I found that everything she went through was relatable to me.  If it wasn't a pattern I already saw emerging in my 20-year-old present, I could imagine it in my future. I could say it's because she's a writer. But that would go against my fundamental belief that it is because she was right.

As I struggle a little with self-love and I meditate on ways to "fix" my problem, I think I would change the order of her verbs.

1. Always pray first.  Pray as soon as you wake up, before you go to sleep, and at every turning point throughout the day.  Thank God for being big enough to handle anything you will ever go through.  Thank God for loving you enough to work all things together for your good.  Ask God for guidelines, answers, inspiration, opportunities.  Ask God for help not being afraid to take those opportunities, help loving others the way He loves you, help seeing what might be getting in the way of your progress. 
2. Then eat.  This probably seems ridiculous, but give me a chance.  First, "[hu]man does not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God" (Matthew 4:4).  So "eat" God's words from the Bible, from the mouths of preachers, and from inside yourself.  Secondly, understand that physical eating can be a spiritual practice. There's a reason we pray, "Give us this day our daily bread" (Matthew 6:11).  That one was talking about actual food.  Make sure you are nourished, not hungry, but also not overfull or full of the wrong things.  Be careful what you enjoy and why.
3. Learn to really live.  Understand that "God has given us all things that pertain to life and godliness" (2 Peter 1:3).  I really appreciate the phrase from a popular mega church - "Whoever finds God finds life."  Find what God intends for your life - for me it's writing and teaching - and do those things as well as the actions that support those things.  I am a better writer the more of the world I take in, the more I build relationships with people.  I am a better teacher the more I do things the right way. Kids need to see adults succeeding.  Also, if I want to live whole and healthy for longer than 40 more years, I have to exercise and keep nourishing rather than deadly habits.  

So many think the majority of humans have nothing to learn from Elizabeth Gilbert's journey.  I think they fail to see that she was simply giving us an example of what it might look like to go against people's expectations and strike out on your own to find the life God intended for you.

There will be more discussion on "eating" and on "living" in the coming weeks.

#iLoveLife

Have You Ever Been In Love?

Have you ever been in love?

Like seriously in love - you talk to him every day and text him when you aren't talking and see him every chance you get?  Like you want to tell him all your good and bad news first?  Like nothing you do could ever be as fun without him?  Like you miss his presence on girls night and hanging with your family?

I feel you. I am a champion at falling in love.  In fact, I watched the movie Country Strong shortly after my own bouts with depression and suicidal tendencies.  I internalized the lead character's advice: "Don't be afraid to fall in love; it's the only thing that matters in life. The only thing. You just fall in love with as many things as possible."

This is a good tactic for getting yourself out of depression.  Lupe Fiasco, in his song, "2Ways" says, "you really like summer, you really like music, you really like reading, LOVE."  He's following similar advice.

But once you've given yourself reasons to keep living, to continue getting out of bed in the morning, there ought to be something more.

Would you believe me if I said each and every one of us was intelligently designed for the sole purpose of being head over heels, elbows over ankles, in love?

With God.

It might seem crazy because we find it so much easier to love things we can touch - ice cream, piano keys, grass, and a man's finger tips... but imagine for a second that your Lover doesn't have a job and yet still has boundless resources to shower on you?  So no matter when you want to "call Him," He's available and willing.  He gives gifts so much better than you can even imagine, much less pick out in a store.  Consider that the enormous capacity you - especially as a woman - possess for loving (we pick up dirty socks, change dirty diapers, and still manage to smile and give hugs) is primarily for loving God.  Understand that the only reason you are such a fantastic lover is because you have first been loved by Someone omniscient, omnipresent, and omnipotent.  And He deserves our reciprocation.

Don't be afraid to fall in love. But falling for God will eradicate the need to fall for anything else. All other "loves" are just gifts from God.

After all, God is the definition of Love (1 John 4:8).
#iLoveLove

Nothing But the Truth

Spoken word poet Alysia Harris embodies the art of telling the ugly truth in a beautiful way.  She speaks with her whole face, her whole body, she loses her voice and makes herself cry 90% of the time.  This is how you know what she's saying is true.  If you can write it, edit it, memorize and rehearse it and have it still bring you to tears, you're onto something.

She tweeted this quote years ago:

The best example I have of this truth is me and my bestie, Jess.  She and I have been making best friendship work for almost 8 years.  Over the last 6 months, we have been really committed to deepening our friendship by talking more regularly even though she lives in Germany (remember last week's post? Make it work. We use the Voxer app) and praying with and for each other.  We give each other updates on all the big stuff and all the little stuff several times a week.  When we disagree, we figure out why we disagreed. When we get frustrated we tell each other, we apologize, and we attempt to not make the same mistake again. We still sometimes make each other cry.

Any time you talk to someone this often, you will need a set of principles to guide you.

Here are the three things that work for us:

God - If Jess and I did not each (not one or the other, or one on behalf of the other) have a firm commitment to a God who never gives up on His relationship with us, we would probably have given up on our friendship with each other.  In fact, when we were both weaker in our faith, it was much harder and we made more and harsher mistakes.

Also, if we did not each understand a God who forgives endlessly and gives more grace than we could ever give or deserve, we would not have an example of how to treat each other with grace and forgiveness.

Love - Jess and I have spent countless hours discussing the different facets of that four-letter word.  We always use the Bible as our guide - 1 Corinthians 13, 1 John 4:7-11, Ephesians 3:17-19 (she asked me to read this at her wedding, even after I'd been really mean to her - that's love), and countless other scriptures.

We take what we read and we attempt to apply it literally.  The Bible is a book of instructions given to a beloved group of people from a Father who only wants what's best for them. And we know "Love...rejoices in the truth" (1 Cor. 13:6).

So, when Jesus says, "turn the other cheek," it literally means that in a fight when a person hits you, love would guide you not to hit them back. For real. This is only figurative in that it can apply to non-physical fights.  If someone calls you a dirty name or cusses you out, you are not to retaliate.  Love stands down, takes the hit, extends forgiveness (without being asked) and does not hold a grudge. Look at Jesus on the day of his crucifixion. Whoa. We don't like this because we see "being a doormat" as enabling the other person's bad behavior.  But somehow Jesus didn't see it that way, and I can't presume to be smarter than him.

Honesty - You have to tell the truth. We make the mistake of believing that others are not smart enough, stable enough, or loving enough to handle our truths or treat us well in the face of our truths. That's where we have to be patient, loving, and forgiving and give them time, space, and resources to understand us.

Jess and my friendship finally became smoother when we learned how to disagree with each other and still be loving and supportive. Aristotle is attributed as saying, "It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it." As friends, we have to entertain each other's thoughts, feelings, ideas, plans, goals, and potential relationships.  We must entertain them, and if they need re-sculpting, be honest and loving enough to tell our friend why and offer support for how.

It is as simple as 1, 2, 3 and as incredibly difficult.  True communication, true friendship, true love, requires honesty to make us better people.  Someone has to tell you that you are spending too much time at the club to really make your business successful.  Someone has to tell you that the way you speak to people discourages collaboration.  The only way I've seen to be honest without ruining your rapport with people is to always temper your honesty with love.  The only way I know to be dedicated to love is to follow God's example, especially in Jesus Christ.

#iLoveTruth

Six Months Later

In my last post, my New Year's post, I didn't mention much about school because I was a little emotionally overwhelmed about it.  They took me out of my on-level English classes with 90 students and put me in a co-taught special education classroom with 30 students.  They said it was because I was inexperienced.  Last month, they didn't offer me a contract to return on the premise that I didn't have enough experience.

Because God is awesome and He makes provisions for you before you know you need them, I was offered an interview from a small independent African American district before I even knew they weren't asking me back.  I was asked, interviewed, and hired directly by the superintendent.  She saw me performing poetry at Urban Roots and thought I might be a good match. I'll be teaching on-level English and one or two creative writing or poetry classes.  It's an awesome opportunity! I'm so excited!

I published my poetry chapbook The Risk to Bloom and have sold several copies. I had a feature show that I got paid for (that's three now!) and I booked another feature. I am in talks with three other potential features.  I have a ton of video from these shows but I haven't had time to edit and publish it yet.

I have been asked to write for a group called Soul Medicine. I will post a link and more information about that soon.

I have done a ton more praying and seeking. I have received several revelations about myself, my future, who God wants me to marry and what He wants me to do in the meantime. God is good. I am currently reading The Utter Relief of Holiness by John Eldredge.  I'm going to make another attempt at reading The Daniel Plan by Rick Warren. If you have any other books written by Christians about health, feel free to recommend them.
I have not yet developed a daily without fail prayer and Bible study time. Sometimes I skip a day and other days I'm in it for 2-6 hours. I am inconsistent.

My health is all over the place. I don't eat well. I do exercise regularly, but that is offset by my lack of nutrition and sleep.

My summer goals are these:

1) Read Judges, 2 Samuel, 1 and 2 Kings at least. Maybe 1 and 2 Chronicles also.
2) Find good recipes, make good, clean, healthy food and eat regularly.
3) Find a good workout regimen with RIPPED, zumba, and yoga.
4) Read novels, excerpts, and other things for school unit prep.
      a) I will keep my book list on my blog and update it with reviews.
5) Travel and perform
     a) Right now Dallas, Houston, Kansas City, Baltimore, DC, and New York are on the list.  That's probably enough for one summer, but you never know what's going to happen.
6) Tutor
7) Draft my nonfiction book and write good, short things

Awakening

My friend Alton posted on Facebook about spiritual awakening today.

The students who need the most help are the ones who get suspended and expelled. One of the kiddos got arrested today - I don't even know what for.

People get sick with diseases that are simply attacks of the devil everyday.

One of my kiddos got a girl pregnant recently and has been all depressed about it in class.

My church is having 7 days of prayer this week - Integrity's Voice of Victory Church 44th and Meridian in OKC if you're interested - and I'm so motivated.  Corporate prayer has always captured my attention.

But the point of this post isn't really to invite you to my church.  It's to encourage you to try trusting God, try doing what He would ask you to, try loving like Jesus did.

I know there are a million reasons not to.
a hundred thousand complications
a thousand concerns and a hundred excuses
and then there is fear...

...but you'll never know if you don't try.

Wake up. Look around you. Look at your Facebook feed - 9 year old girls giving male toddlers lap dances, kindergarteners "twerking," people being abducted and killed every minute of every day. There is very obviously something wrong here.  And what we have been trying to do to fix it hasn't helped.

Obama came and he will soon go and things are not better. There has been little change.

There's really only one change agent.  Seek Him. Find Him.  Choose life.

Please. It's real out here. 

I Can't Give Up Now

I am guilty of a couple of things.

Several things really, but at this moment, relevant to this blog post, a couple of things:
1) glossing over the bad news and
2) being arrogant enough to think there will always be good news to report.

The reason it's been so long since I posted is because it's been so long since I've felt like I'm making progress on being WHOLLY successful and because if there has been a moment when I felt that, I haven't had time to write about it.

First year teacher - it's rough. I knew it would be rough. It is NOT rougher than I thought it would be. I'm just lonelier than I thought I would be. I thought they would be the problem, not me. But it's basically all me.
My first problem was having too much on my plate and not devoting enough time to my students. My second problem was treating them like a bunch of adolescent problems to be solved and forgetting to love them. Right now, I just want to go hug all of them and convince them that they can make it.  Too bad I'm not supposed to ever touch them. I have a lot of work to do this upcoming week, but I think I can do it. With God's help of course.

Weight loss, health and fitness - it was getting good. I was feeling better. I was seeing results. Now it's really rough because I have had to spend this week recovering from an injury. I believe that I am fine and that Monday when I start working out again, I'll be fine, but I am also PISSED. Normally I can't make myself workout. Then I make myself workout a lot and hard and I over-exert my left side oblique. It makes me very angry. The devil is a punk.
On top of that, I am an emotional eater. I think I have mentioned that before. It is so out of control. I honestly believe some days that ice cream or french fries or pop will solve the problem. It's insane. So I have definitely been eating my anger this week. I don't think I'm even going to look at the scale until Wednesday or so.

I have written some here and there. I read at the open mic on Tuesday night. I booked a show for Nov. 1st and another for Nov. 30th so that's pretty dope. I have a lot of rehearsing I need to do. I'm getting into the church arts scene which is great because that's where the anointing is. It is also scary because if you know my work, it is more real than it is holy. But that's why I'm writing new pieces.
My book is not THAT much closer to being published. It is a little. But not really. I'm searching anew for motivation for it. I'm finding it in the memories of how unaccomplished I feel. I have to finally do something.

I am so swamped with the aforementioned things and giving grad school just a teensy bit of energy that I am not at all a good business woman. I'm supposed to be building bridges for others and really I'm dangling over the edge of a cliff myself.

I'm listening to this song by Mary Mary "Can't Give Up Now" on repeat. The album is from 2000. I feel like this was one of my don't-kill-yourself songs in junior high.  It's great because it doesn't gloss over anything - the way I am guilty of. It doesn't sugarcoat.  It accepts responsibility and gives hope.  But the hope isn't some shiny thing made from far away dreams and infinite possibility. The hope is grounded only in the unflinching character of God.

"There will be mountains that I will have to climb
And there will be battles that I will have to fight
But victory or defeat, it's up to me to decide
But how can I expect to win If I never try.

I just can't give up now
I've come too far from where I started from
Nobody told me the road would be easy
And I don't believe he brought me this far to leave me

Never said there wouldn't be trials
Never said I wouldn't fall
Never said that everything would go the way I want it to go
But when my back is against the wall
And i feel all hope is gone,
I'll just lift my head up to the sky
And say help me to be strong

I just can't give up now
I've come too far from where I started from
Nobody told me the road would be easy
And I don't believe he brought me this far to leave me

If it were up to me, I'd give up. If it was just me fighting, I'd give up. But...at the end of it all...even though I'm limping and broken and a little beaten...I can't believe He's brought me this far to leave me. He's too good of a God for that. He has shown His loving kindness to me too many times for that. He never wastes a hurt. His ways are higher. He must have something on the other side. I trust Him not to be leading me astray. After everything else we've been through, after all the other times He's pulled me higher and made me stronger, as far away as some of my older trials look now...I have to believe that He is just taking me higher. He's making me like gold purified in the flames. I can't quit on His process.  He's been too good for that. 

Identifying Faith

My Identity

This blog was more or less created around the idea of identity. 

 

I identify myself by who I am and who I will always be no matter what: human, woman, Black, Latina...

 

 

 

...by what I am right now and love being, but have to make a conscious decision to remain as: natural, Oklahoman, following God, a high school teacher, not married (yes, this is a conscious decision), striving for justice and love, a writer, a performer, an editor...

 

 

 

...by what I love doing: a book lover, a baby snuggler, a thinker, a music lover, a dreamer...

 

 

 

...and by a couple things I know are temporary: a master's student, not married, trying to stay healthy.

  

For the purpose of not letting this be the world's longest blog series, I will narrow it down to the few identifiers I want to talk about. I have already discussed my God-following and health at length (and I'm sure there will be more in future). Over the next few posts, I will discuss being Black and Latina (or Latinegra or Afrolatina), being a woman and being natural (probably together), being a woman and being unmarried, being a writer, and being human (which will have a spiritual focus, of course).   

 

Here is a teaser quote:

"I am an endangered species, but I sing no victim songs. I am a woman. I am an artist, and I know where my voice belongs." - Dianne Reeves

 

How do you identify yourself? "Hi, my name is _______ and I am __________"???

"Don't Be Such a Martyr"

We have all heard the phrase "Don't be such a martyr."
It means, stop glorifying your struggle. But it also means stop struggling, or sacrificing, for no reason. More often than not, people don't choose to sacrifice for no reason.  Fairly often, the reason for the sacrifice is something friends and family don't understand.  So it is seen as unnecessary and they are encouraged to quit when it hurts.

Now, we all know victims whose lives are hard because they imagine pain and trial where there ought to be none.  I have played the victim many times in my life.  And there is real pain bound up in that behavior, real fear that must be actively replaced with faith.

Majority populations and people in power often say that minorities or lower class people are acting like martyrs, claiming to be persecuted when really they just are not driven enough to rise above their circumstances.

In the predominant definition of a martyr, someone gives his/her life for a cause they believe in.  Many of us don't use martyr to mean that anymore because in western civilization in 2013 it is rare to give your life on purpose.  You either unintentionally die from illness or are killed in some tragic accident.  We are not a group of cultures that die for causes.  

So many believe that God's dominant desire from us is that we live as those who follow Him, rather than die in a blaze of glory.  As a general rule, I agree.  I know it is easier to die than to live through certain pains, struggles, and battles with losses as well as victories.  Martyrdom has been historically considered the ultimate sacrifice - giving up something you want, your life, for something you want more.  But for me, personally, giving up my life would be easy.  Staying alive and fighting through is the hard thing.  I have to give up simplicity and ease and predictability in order to glorify God in the way I have been called.

Some people might wonder why I am doing this forty-day book study A Call to Die, why I am making myself write so much, study so hard.  It's summer break, I could be relaxing. Relaxing can't serve God? (Of course it can. Sometimes it's the only thing that can.)

I never go many weeks without being approached by a man.  In general, it doesn't progress very far because we don't see eye-to-eye about the purpose of life and faith.  But in recent years I have met a couple of men who do hold to all the same ideals I do.  But it's not my time to focus on them or on romance.  Right now is a preparation season (another one) for my next several months of teaching and building bridges (more on that later).  So I have to give up romance, even healthy romance, for personal development.  Not every opportunity is the best one for this season.  Sacrifice.

Check out this poem by Janette...ikz.  It's called "HypoChristian."

Normally poems like that make me uncomfortable.  She is asking for too much (although everything that she challenges us to do mirrors the Bible) and she is asking for it so intensely.  But what she is doing right that so many are afraid to do is forcing us to come face to face with our priorities.  Do we want to be "Christians," to follow God, or do we not?  Because if we do, we have to do what God has said we need to.  We have to sacrifice.

The Risk, The Sacrifice

I just finished editing my first chapbook of poems and sent it off for peer-edits.. There are just over twenty poems in it, many of which I have performed for crowds that liked or loved them.  I wrote these poems mainly during my college years, when I was searching, wandering, losing and finding myself by the week and month.

There is a quote from Anais Nin that I heard on Alicia Keys' album The Element of Freedom and it really touched me: "The day came when the risk it took to remain tightly closed in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom."
Last year I had a show called "The Risk to Bloom" and that is what I am naming my book as well.

I don't doubt that Anais Nin (and Alicia Keys) mean something different about freedom and about blooming than I do, but the quote is so true and so powerful.

 

Sometime during college I closed myself off to lots of emotions - many who knew me then would say that I never cried and sometimes seemed to feel nothing but laughter and anger.  I closed myself off to the piercing power of the Holy Spirit.  After a lot of meditating and reading old poems and journals, I think I was tired and afraid of feeling convicted, so I stopped allowing myself to give in to questions about my motives and my misbehaviors.

I couldn't close down everything, though. I let in beautiful words. I allowed words to feel for me so I wouldn't have to.

After college, that didn't work for me anymore.  I actually didn't write for months on end, close to a year.  Being closed off like that was really hurtful to my sweet roommate at the time.  It got me fired from a job I was good at.  It led me to a really dark place where I behaved as if there were no God to heal and protect and provide. I went through a ministry class at church, because I was asked to, and because I was sure that if I didn't do something "radical" I would not make it much farther. 

What I know now is that there is a beauty God puts inside each of us - namely women (inside the men, I am inclined to say He places a strength - not that women have no strength and men have no beauty but I am speaking generally) - and that beauty is precious and vulnerable.  The devil does not want the world to see that beauty.  The devil does not want the world to see your light shining to glorify the God who made you. So there is an attack on our beauty and on our strength. It is a ruthless attack.  The goal is that we would die emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and then perhaps physically as well.  The devil wants our potential dead because it is a reflection and a manifestation of God's potential - His omnipotence (same root word: potent).  I learned that our beauty is inextricably bound to God.  Without God everything begins crumbling.

Knowing that there is an enemy who wants to attack the strongest, most beautiful part of you makes you want to protect it, to hold it back, to maybe lock it away in a high tower where no harm can reach it...and no one can see it or be inspired by it.

I am thankful to be living after "the day" when I realized that hiding is too painful and detrimental.  But in order to fully grasp that, I must let go of what used to be and how I used to cope.  I must release the hiding and the self-protection in order to bloom.  I must release the people who are attached to who I used to be.  I must be willing to sacrifice what I once wanted - angsty poems that make people cry and applaud, that pull their heartstrings - for what I want more - to be whole and holy in God, and to show others how to get there.

I am afraid that my writing won't be as good without all of the angst.  I am afraid that it won't be as poignant, that it will draw a smaller crowd.

"It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us." - Marianne Williamson

I am afraid that many of those who nurtured my writing from the beginning will shun it when I consistently insist on putting God in the middle of it.  

"I tell you, the Kingdom of God will be taken away from you and given to a nation that will produce the proper fruit. And whoever falls on this stone [that the builders rejected] will be broken; but on whomever it falls, it will grind him to powder." - Matthew 21:43-44.  Jesus was quoting Psalms 118:22-23.  He was saying that He is who people reject, the "stone" or building block that "builders" reject.  Because we are all building a life, and we are either building it on Christ or on something else.  He is saying that the "nation" producing "proper fruit" is the nation that has "fallen" on Him and allowed themselves to be broken. He is talking about the people who have sacrificed what they wanted for the Kingdom and then used Him to build their lives on.  Those who won't sacrifice, who won't allow themselves to be broken are those whom the "stone" will crush.  I don't believe this directly translates to God reaching out to smite people.  I think it means that if you don't make the sacrifice to build your life around the Kingdom, you take yourself from God's protection and then life's trials and hardships can and will crush you. 

So I trust that whatever I create from here on out will touch who it ought, where it ought, how it ought to.  I do not have to be angsty and sinful in order to be creative or draw a crowd.  I can be whole and holy.

At some point I will have to sacrifice the freedom of having all the time in the world for the discipline of health.  I have to want health more than I want "free time." It's a change in mindset. I have to invest in the process, the patient endurance, the sweating at a low fitness level until I get to a higher one. 

Let Go

Some say "let go and let flow" others say "let go and let God."

In the book I'm studying, A Call to Die, David Nasser says, "[God] will always amaze us with how He'll use us. We have to keep our eyes open because He will blow our minds with where He will lead us.  Sure, He lets us get into patterns that will give us some stability, but as soon as we are established, He leads us in new directions to new experiences of enjoying Him and letting Him use us."

Below are some definitions I find helpful.

Devotion - earnest attachment to a cause or person

Diligence - constant and earnest effort to accomplish what is undertaken; persistent exertion of body or mind.
Discipline - activity, exercise, or a regimen that develops or improves a skill; training;
the rigor or training effect of experience Freedom - exemption from external control, interference, regulation, etc., the power to determine action without restraint.

The three D-words up there are words that many people use interchangeably.  I found it really helpful to compare and contrast them.  

I realize now that I am devoted, but since devotion is more of a feeling (attachment) than a course of action, being devoted is not the ideal.  You can be attached to a cause or person that you don't spend a lot of time pouring into - like me and health and fitness.  That being said, devotion means a little something, because there are tons of things to which each of us is not devoted.  Like I am not devoted to American patriotic rhetoric and ideology.  I am not devoted to secularism, godlessness.  I am deeply devoted to religious ideology. 

I am only diligent about a few things - God, personal relationships, and writing (in that order).  Those are the only things for which I will stop what I'm doing to go fix it or go nurture it. I lost a lot of sleep last night with my writing partner Kashlee Banx.  I have lost some sleep and some gas recently with a new friend.  But I cannot count the number of times I have been unavailable to work or to go out or to join in because of a church function or a Bible study or a conversation with someone about God. 
I will have to become more and more diligent to teaching, to my studies and research, to planning and executing.  I seriously wonder if I will ever be diligent at exercise.  Devoted, perhaps. Diligent? I'm just not sure. 

Discipline is what I lack in all areas.  I hate being stuck in a rut.  I get bored with processes very easily.  Even though I spend time with God every day, reading the Word and journaling, reading devotional books, etc., it is hard for me to finish a book cover to cover.  It is hard for me to complete the same process day in and day out.  It's hard for me to follow a Bible reading plan.  I like to jump around and be spontaneous.  This is a problem because sometimes the payoff doesn't come if you don't complete the whole process. I think this is more true spiritually than in any other area.  I need to be more disciplined to finish what I start. 

Dictionary.com says freedom is about lack of external control or restraint.  I am free, perhaps a bit too free.  I am great at responding to the world around me, taking immediate instruction, helping in crises.  Many people are not.  Have you ever met someone who can never do anything that wasn't on their to-do list?  They can't meet you for coffee because right now is their scheduled study time; are you available in two hours? Maybe they can schedule you in for next Monday? There is nothing wrong with a structured life, but it has its downfalls just like an unstructured one.  I think sometimes (external) diligence infringes on (internal) freedom. Sometimes we don't see the forest for the trees. We sometimes take the beauty and adventure from life with the implementation of structure.  

Here is a story to close:

I am devoted to, diligent in, and fairly disciplined at maintaining pure relationships with men.  I believe that a lot of the problems in my culture can be traced back to an excess of freedom about purity and sex.  High demands, low standards, low expectations, low responsibility and weak will.  So I don't really date.  I don't spend much alone time around men.  I try to keep text messages and hang time regulated to daylight hours.  

Recently, I met a man while I was out performing.  We had a deep conversation with some other people one night and each realized that the other was intelligent and insightful.  He began starting conversations with me over social networking and invited me to spend time with him.  Because of our work schedules, the best time for us to talk was when I get off after 9 p.m.  This made me leery at first.  My perspective was that it simply is not proper to spend time with a man at this hour.  But our conversations are very pure.  He has never made a pass at me.  Nothing inappropriate has happened or even been hinted at.  And I recently have felt more and more comfortable talking with him about spiritual things.  I recently shared with him a sermon that I heard at church.  

I am not advocating lowering your standards or your level of responsibility.  Not all men are respectful or trustworthy.  Not all women are pure or innocent.  I especially don't encourage too much after-hours hang time between teenagers - there are too many hormones and too little experience with the world.  There is so much more to learn about yourself as a young woman or young man.  But I am glad that, as an adult, with a healthy foundation in discipline and diligence, I did not let the three D's keep me from being free enough to perhaps really encourage my new friend and plant some seeds for positive change in his life.  

Learn the limits of freedom and the beauty in structure. 
(Please comment or respond in whatever way you want to or can on this topic - even if you disagree.)