humble

i want to be humble enough to say i'm sorry and mean it.

i want to be calm enough to excuse unfairness without retaliating.

i want to have enough joy to overcome the hard times with grace.

i want to be humble enough to know that there is nothing others go through that i deserve to be shielded from.

i want to be so aware of the Divine that cease to misuse the Name and that i treat it as holy, almost too holy for expression. like they did in the old testament.

a long time ago, i was so convinced that G-D was everything and i was nothing that i never capitalized the letter "i." this was not an original idea. i took it from a girl who said, "am i so important that i always need to be bigger than the other letters?"

i did then, and now have come to once again agree with that assertion. i have spent too many days, weeks, months, mistaking the grace that gives me access to the Divine for a sense of entitlement. i felt like i was entitled to power, to prestige, to favor. but i am not entitled to anything. if people live on the street and children have no medical attention, why do i deserve only the cushiest desk jobs and the honor that comes with having people see the intellect i was blessed with?

christian said this was meant to teach me humility. i thought he was wrong. but the mistake was mine...depression and humility are far from the same thing. in fact, i am starting to believe that depression, at its core, is selfish. so intend of praying for humility, i will pray that my eyes are opened to the reality of what has become my life.

as within, so without...

7/30 - Maybe

I have this odd way of forgetting how to follow my heart.
Once I know what she's asking for,
I quit before I really get the chance to start.
Like I'm scared of how happiness feels,
Afraid to get attached to good because bad has always been more real...
But life makes sense right now.
Pain has left its handprint
but today I think it's beautiful somehow.
On Friday I thought the world might come crashing to an end
But at this moment
I know it's all in Someone's hands.

And maybe that Someone is me.
Maybe it's faith in inner divinity.
Maybe it's the open heart the Buddha showed me how to see.
Maybe it's the knowledge of my wealth as compared to poverty.
Maybe it's the selflessness that Jesus taught me.
In fact, maybe religion is just the deification of poetry.
Maybe now that I have written it
I know I can conceptualize spirituality.
Or maybe today is just the first one in a while
where the stars are aligned for me.