my best friend, jen, goes to emporia state university. apparently esu is a teaching university, just like the university of central oklahoma (where i start in two weeks). jen transferred there (rather than university of kansas or kansas state univ.) when she decided she wanted to teach. Her roommates are both math education majors, like she is. i met three other english education majors and a history ed. major. i felt so happy and purpose-driven while i was with them. it was interesting to have that many people together who want the same things.
when i got home, i watched lean on me and cried.
last saturday at church, pastor craig used the backdrop of the movie coach carter for his message. i cried throughout the whole message because i love that story so much. freedom writers, mona lisa smile, the dead poets society, and the breakfast club all make me feel the same way.
there are times when you definitely just know what you're supposed to be doing.
journalism was fun and it engaged my mind, but i never cried while imagining the possibilities of it.
"in His grace, God has given us different gifts for doing certain things well. ...if you are a teacher, teach well." - romans 12:6, 7b
"but now let me show you a way of life that is best of all. ...if i had the gift of prophecy and if i understood all of God's secret plans and possessed all knowledge...but didn't love others, i would be nothing. ...let love be your highest goal." - 1 corinthians 12:31b, 13:2, 14:1
Showing posts with label purpose. Show all posts
Showing posts with label purpose. Show all posts
Monday, August 3, 2009
Saturday, May 23, 2009
I Will Never Be a Competing Slam Poet
On April 28, I wrote a blog titled “I Will Never Be a Slam Poet.”
Here was some of the “rationale” behind that argument.
“I ‘bleed’ too much, feel too much, think too much.”
Last night I was watching Brave New Voices, and it solidified for me what I should have never forgotten. It’s not that I bleed too much, I was just doing it the wrong way. That’s what expression consists of: thoughts, feelings, and blood.
Then, I said, “I used to want to be a slam poet more than anything in the world, but I can't. I was meant to be different. Meant to write, not to perform. Meant to speak, not to recite. Meant to teach, not to compete.”
I said, “I am not saying that slam is shallow (although I know some think it is). Yes, it is a game...but I believe that games and competitions show people's character.“
In response to what I wrote, my friend Lauren Zuniga said, “Slam is just something we do. A game we play so that the Ego can have a good time and give the Spirit permission to write.”
Brave New Voices changed my opinion of all that. Team Philadelphia consisted of Hasan Malik Babb, Josh Bennett, Aysha El Shamayleh, Noel Scales, Chloe Wayne, and Alysia Harris. On the season finale during the final round of the grand slam, the whole team went onstage holding hands and crying. They told the audience that they had not been behaving like a team over the course of the competition. They said the scores and the desire to win had distracted them. Because of this, they made the decision to forfeit the final round as a team. All six of them together chose to say it’s not about the competition but about the poetry, about the difference that words can make. And to top it off, they still performed. They blessed us with their words and refused to be scored. In my opinion, if they hadn’t forfeited, they would have won. I think perhaps they knew that and felt they didn’t deserve to win if the win would mean more than the words. Damn.
Slam is just a game. Prior to watching this episode of this show, I wasn’t sure if there was a right way to play it. But those six kids put the entity of slam poetry to shame. They showed me and the world that the warrior generation really is fighting for something more than titles and recognition.
When the grand slam was over and the rest of the qualifying teams had been scored, they were all brought on stage to announce the winners from low to high. When the announcements were made, the teams were asked to stand in ranked order by their teammates. They all refused. They said they wouldn’t split up that way because they were all one team and it was all one prize. They started shouting, “One Team! One Team! One Team!” And the show’s host threw up his hands, went offstage, sat down and let them do their thing. Their voices were heard. The show ended with all the teams on stage intermingled, hugging each other, congratulating each other, chanting, “BNV ain’t nothin’ to fuck with!” That’s the truth if I’ve ever heard it.
Here are some of the things I texted to Kosher when I was watching this on TV.
“Now, I want to master slam, not to ever win any kind of title but so that I can teach kids how to save their own lives through words and performance.”
“They are so beautiful. That is why I want to teach so that I can help bring that out in them.”
“Those kids have already learned to self-actualize in a way that makes sure nothing can ever be too hard for them.”
The only time I ever cry like I did while I was watching that show is when something intense happens in church. That’s how I know this is holy. Somebody is going to watch that and get saved. Now I know where else to point when the church house isn’t helping.
Those kids have given me direction and desire. They lit a fire in my soul that I thought would never burn outside the four walls of an evangelical church (this thought turned into three poems, especially the one titled “Wise Words”). But now I know: Holy are the beautiful things, peace, humanity, sincerity. And they are holy no matter where they are seen.
Here are some of Kosher’s comments during our conversation.
“You can do it, if you’re ready for holding their bleeding wounds.”
My prayer over the next year is to become ready – through inspiration and meditation on the goal.
“If I would die today, I would be glad knowing that the world will be in good hands. I thank G-D for them.” - Kosher
I agree.
I cried harder when I read this statement, because the competitor in me, the attention whore in me, doesn’t want to die without leaving a mark. That part of me doesn’t want to die today, because then those kids would get all the credit for their bravery and conviction and I would have no legacy to leave. I cried because I knew my feelings were selfish. It doesn’t matter who evokes the change as long as it happens. Fuck my competitive drive. Blessed are the brave hearts for they will be remembered. Humbled are the timid hearts for they will always strive to be remembered.
“It is possible to be saved by the blood of Jesus, but only if Jesus wept from hearing them. They are the living gospel.” - Kosher
That needs to be a line in a poem.
Today, I opened a vein, mixed blood with ink, and it poured out looking like poetry.
Here was some of the “rationale” behind that argument.
“I ‘bleed’ too much, feel too much, think too much.”
Last night I was watching Brave New Voices, and it solidified for me what I should have never forgotten. It’s not that I bleed too much, I was just doing it the wrong way. That’s what expression consists of: thoughts, feelings, and blood.
Then, I said, “I used to want to be a slam poet more than anything in the world, but I can't. I was meant to be different. Meant to write, not to perform. Meant to speak, not to recite. Meant to teach, not to compete.”
I said, “I am not saying that slam is shallow (although I know some think it is). Yes, it is a game...but I believe that games and competitions show people's character.“
In response to what I wrote, my friend Lauren Zuniga said, “Slam is just something we do. A game we play so that the Ego can have a good time and give the Spirit permission to write.”
Brave New Voices changed my opinion of all that. Team Philadelphia consisted of Hasan Malik Babb, Josh Bennett, Aysha El Shamayleh, Noel Scales, Chloe Wayne, and Alysia Harris. On the season finale during the final round of the grand slam, the whole team went onstage holding hands and crying. They told the audience that they had not been behaving like a team over the course of the competition. They said the scores and the desire to win had distracted them. Because of this, they made the decision to forfeit the final round as a team. All six of them together chose to say it’s not about the competition but about the poetry, about the difference that words can make. And to top it off, they still performed. They blessed us with their words and refused to be scored. In my opinion, if they hadn’t forfeited, they would have won. I think perhaps they knew that and felt they didn’t deserve to win if the win would mean more than the words. Damn.
Slam is just a game. Prior to watching this episode of this show, I wasn’t sure if there was a right way to play it. But those six kids put the entity of slam poetry to shame. They showed me and the world that the warrior generation really is fighting for something more than titles and recognition.
When the grand slam was over and the rest of the qualifying teams had been scored, they were all brought on stage to announce the winners from low to high. When the announcements were made, the teams were asked to stand in ranked order by their teammates. They all refused. They said they wouldn’t split up that way because they were all one team and it was all one prize. They started shouting, “One Team! One Team! One Team!” And the show’s host threw up his hands, went offstage, sat down and let them do their thing. Their voices were heard. The show ended with all the teams on stage intermingled, hugging each other, congratulating each other, chanting, “BNV ain’t nothin’ to fuck with!” That’s the truth if I’ve ever heard it.
Here are some of the things I texted to Kosher when I was watching this on TV.
“Now, I want to master slam, not to ever win any kind of title but so that I can teach kids how to save their own lives through words and performance.”
“They are so beautiful. That is why I want to teach so that I can help bring that out in them.”
“Those kids have already learned to self-actualize in a way that makes sure nothing can ever be too hard for them.”
The only time I ever cry like I did while I was watching that show is when something intense happens in church. That’s how I know this is holy. Somebody is going to watch that and get saved. Now I know where else to point when the church house isn’t helping.
Those kids have given me direction and desire. They lit a fire in my soul that I thought would never burn outside the four walls of an evangelical church (this thought turned into three poems, especially the one titled “Wise Words”). But now I know: Holy are the beautiful things, peace, humanity, sincerity. And they are holy no matter where they are seen.
Here are some of Kosher’s comments during our conversation.
“You can do it, if you’re ready for holding their bleeding wounds.”
My prayer over the next year is to become ready – through inspiration and meditation on the goal.
“If I would die today, I would be glad knowing that the world will be in good hands. I thank G-D for them.” - Kosher
I agree.
I cried harder when I read this statement, because the competitor in me, the attention whore in me, doesn’t want to die without leaving a mark. That part of me doesn’t want to die today, because then those kids would get all the credit for their bravery and conviction and I would have no legacy to leave. I cried because I knew my feelings were selfish. It doesn’t matter who evokes the change as long as it happens. Fuck my competitive drive. Blessed are the brave hearts for they will be remembered. Humbled are the timid hearts for they will always strive to be remembered.
“It is possible to be saved by the blood of Jesus, but only if Jesus wept from hearing them. They are the living gospel.” - Kosher
That needs to be a line in a poem.
Today, I opened a vein, mixed blood with ink, and it poured out looking like poetry.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
15/30 - I Want To Kiss The World
Give me strength
I can already see the change I want to make
I know the steps I need to take
I'm doing it for the future's sake
Give me love
I'll need motivation to go beyond and above
It'll push me forward when competition's not enough
I'll hold me together when the times are too tough
Give me peace
when change is slow and things are futile as they seem
I'll need it when I lack the strength to swim upstream
May it be the image in my head when I can't stand what I see
Give me drive
That's what will keep me fighting for our lives
It's how I'll know that I'm among the strong who will survive
It'll keep me focused on my reason to be alive
Help me endure
I want to live for a cause that's right and pure
I want to continue forward when my mind just isn't sure
I want to kiss the world where no one's touched before
So show me how
I'm feeling ready; you can start the process now
Let the winds rage so I'll learn to stand and never bow
Show me the heights so I look to them and keep from falling down
Remind me why
Tattoo the dream to the backs of my eyes
Place a burden on my heart that makes me ache inside
And until the job is done, don't let me run or hide
MAKE ME GO
I'll need to watch you run when my feet are feeling slow
Don't let me bow out because of things I don't yet know
Promise me that my sacrifice will help them grow
Give me
Strength like rivers rushing
Love like a god dying
Peace like the wind shushing
Drive like warriors vying
Endurance like an athlete
Strategy like the end of days
Purpose until all's complete and
Force that can't be swayed
until I kiss the world.
I can already see the change I want to make
I know the steps I need to take
I'm doing it for the future's sake
Give me love
I'll need motivation to go beyond and above
It'll push me forward when competition's not enough
I'll hold me together when the times are too tough
Give me peace
when change is slow and things are futile as they seem
I'll need it when I lack the strength to swim upstream
May it be the image in my head when I can't stand what I see
Give me drive
That's what will keep me fighting for our lives
It's how I'll know that I'm among the strong who will survive
It'll keep me focused on my reason to be alive
Help me endure
I want to live for a cause that's right and pure
I want to continue forward when my mind just isn't sure
I want to kiss the world where no one's touched before
So show me how
I'm feeling ready; you can start the process now
Let the winds rage so I'll learn to stand and never bow
Show me the heights so I look to them and keep from falling down
Remind me why
Tattoo the dream to the backs of my eyes
Place a burden on my heart that makes me ache inside
And until the job is done, don't let me run or hide
MAKE ME GO
I'll need to watch you run when my feet are feeling slow
Don't let me bow out because of things I don't yet know
Promise me that my sacrifice will help them grow
Give me
Strength like rivers rushing
Love like a god dying
Peace like the wind shushing
Drive like warriors vying
Endurance like an athlete
Strategy like the end of days
Purpose until all's complete and
Force that can't be swayed
until I kiss the world.
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