I Hear Voices

Once we start "eating" the right words - the spoken words of God from sources that line up with the written words of God - we have to be able to apply them.  This requires constant devotion to humility.

Humility is admitting that we are incapable of doing it on our own.  Humility is not downplaying your accomplishments, but acknowledging that your talents are God-given and that some of your success is based on favor with people or teaching from people.

We've all heard the old adage that actions speak louder than words. This is basically true. But the more you watch and listen to people, the more you will understand why people act the way they do.  Behavior is a reflection of belief.  I like the phrase I first heard a couple of years ago: "When you know better, you do better" (This quote may be attributed to Oprah).  It follows then that when we consistently, habitually don't do the right thing, it is because we don't know how.

Behaviors are easy to change; beliefs are next to impossible.  So what do we do?

After we acclimate to the understanding that we cannot change the beliefs of our friends and family members, much less strangers, then:   

• We have to spend enough time with ourselves to understand our flaws (the big ones and the small ones).  
• We have to know God well enough to hear Him tell us how to fix them.  

I just re-learned this lesson.  People we love sometimes have struggles we could help them with.  But their behavior is most likely an effect of their belief and only God can change their beliefs. Let's turn that back on ourselves.  None of us are perfect; we all have flaws we have kept well hidden, consciously or unconsciously. No one can change those little idiosyncrasies and attitudes because they are deeply rooted in our beliefs about ourselves and the world around us.

If you've ever struggled with the idea of knowing God, let me give you two tips.

1. If you are at the beginning of your spiritual journey or you're still deciding if Christianity is for you, know this: prayer is not a monologue; it's a dialogue.  A dialogue requires two people talking and two people listening. When you pray (about all things great and small - your car not breaking down, your day running smoothly, your boyfriend forgetting his fears of commitment and taking you ring shopping, your mother's cancer), also listen to what God is saying back.  God is saying something back.

2. If you are past the beginning stages, you've been reading the Bible and going to church and you talk to God on a regular basis, but you're still not sure how to hear directly from God, know this: "God exists within you as you" (Elizabeth Gilbert) and the devil exists outside of you posing as you. There's a reason the visual representations of the Holy Spirit (your conscience) and the devil are small figures that look just like you whispering in your ear the right and wrong things to do.

One of the devil's most effective tricks is to speak negativity to you and deceive you into thinking the negative thoughts originated with you. The devil wants you to think your mind has an abundance of evil in it that you cannot escape.  But he is the liar, the deceiver, the accuser.  

God created you. When you were born, you had more God in you than you had of yourself and your parents.  In fact, the eternal part of you is simply a piece of God.  So when you align yourself with God's teachings, He removes the negativity that was invading your system and what is left is the God in you that was always there.  When you listen for God's voice during your prayer dialogue, listen for what sounds like your own thoughts or your own voice but lines up with God's words. 

This is why the yogis say, "I honor the Divinity that resides within me."

#iLoveWords

Pray, Eat, Live

I read the book Eat Pray Love twice before the movie came out.  I saw the movie in the theater and only loved it because it was a condensed version of my favorite book.  And because Julia Roberts is in it and I love her.  I had a couple of friends who were impacted by Liz Gilbert's insight the way I was.

And then I studied the book with a class who took the stance of most of the world - a rich, white lady decides to travel the world and masquerade it as spiritual and personal growth.  Really she just had an awesome vacation.  Well, someone has their knickers in a knot.

I found that everything she went through was relatable to me.  If it wasn't a pattern I already saw emerging in my 20-year-old present, I could imagine it in my future. I could say it's because she's a writer. But that would go against my fundamental belief that it is because she was right.

As I struggle a little with self-love and I meditate on ways to "fix" my problem, I think I would change the order of her verbs.

1. Always pray first.  Pray as soon as you wake up, before you go to sleep, and at every turning point throughout the day.  Thank God for being big enough to handle anything you will ever go through.  Thank God for loving you enough to work all things together for your good.  Ask God for guidelines, answers, inspiration, opportunities.  Ask God for help not being afraid to take those opportunities, help loving others the way He loves you, help seeing what might be getting in the way of your progress. 
2. Then eat.  This probably seems ridiculous, but give me a chance.  First, "[hu]man does not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God" (Matthew 4:4).  So "eat" God's words from the Bible, from the mouths of preachers, and from inside yourself.  Secondly, understand that physical eating can be a spiritual practice. There's a reason we pray, "Give us this day our daily bread" (Matthew 6:11).  That one was talking about actual food.  Make sure you are nourished, not hungry, but also not overfull or full of the wrong things.  Be careful what you enjoy and why.
3. Learn to really live.  Understand that "God has given us all things that pertain to life and godliness" (2 Peter 1:3).  I really appreciate the phrase from a popular mega church - "Whoever finds God finds life."  Find what God intends for your life - for me it's writing and teaching - and do those things as well as the actions that support those things.  I am a better writer the more of the world I take in, the more I build relationships with people.  I am a better teacher the more I do things the right way. Kids need to see adults succeeding.  Also, if I want to live whole and healthy for longer than 40 more years, I have to exercise and keep nourishing rather than deadly habits.  

So many think the majority of humans have nothing to learn from Elizabeth Gilbert's journey.  I think they fail to see that she was simply giving us an example of what it might look like to go against people's expectations and strike out on your own to find the life God intended for you.

There will be more discussion on "eating" and on "living" in the coming weeks.

#iLoveLife

Praise and Prayer - Jan. 3, 2013

Today, my praise is for the way God meets us where we are.

A mean god, a dictatorial god, would stand on his holy hill and simply require his followers to climb up to his level. But Yahweh reaches down to pull us up to His level. Yahweh humbles Himself and comes to get us. He counteracts our weakness with His strength. What a good God!!

Last night, I was discussing with my best friend how I felt like something God gave me might not come to pass. I was telling her that I was tired of fighting for it. And a few hours later, the Lord sent me a sign that I should keep the faith. He didn’t have to do that.

Today, my prayer is for my teaching job.

I pray that the Lord would continue to decrease me and increase His presence in my life.  I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that if I stop walking with God, I will fail my students. I have accepted a position that is just outside my natural ability to persist. God has to make up the difference and He promised that He would. So I just pray that He would continue to focus me, continue to give me the grace, the power to lean on Him and therefore excel. I told my friend last night: “I can’t wait to tell people, ‘It was all God!’” I want God to do something miraculous in my classroom so I can brag on Him and His power.

Praise and Prayer - Jan. 2, 2013

Today, my praise is primarily for the opportunity that God has given me to minister.

He has given me two very important and very big jobs - women and girls, and high school students in their (English) language arts classes. It comes directly from the relationship I have with Him. Because I KNOW Him to be a selfless and righteous lover and because I know the Lord to be a personality who wants to receive love as much as - even more! - than I do, it has changed my life.  Because the Lord loves me so completely, I don’t have to long for the affection or even attention of men who don’t love the Lord. Because I know this, I can live this. It is difficult (although not impossible) to live something that you don’t fully understand. So when we understand Who God really is, we can live for Him.  Or a better phrase is: we can live with Him. This is my ever-relevant message to women and girls. When we live with God, we don’t have to live with certain pains and sins and problems. Our problems become more outside of ourselves, our sins become less life-threatening, and our pains become duller. God took my relentless, painful, idol-worshiping lust for human romance and replaced it with the chance to give love to a group of students who categorically don’t receive as much love as they need.  He taught me to love words and the Word, and how to manage emotions and thoughts through creative expression. That’s what I intend to teach. As soon as I surrendered my struggle and my intention to the Lord, He gave me back two huge chances to minster to the world around me. Praise Him!

Today, my prayer is for Divine inspiration THAT WILL LAST.

Many of us have made New Year’s resolutions. Even those of us who haven’t know that there is something in us that needs to change. I don’t believe that all diligence or drive come from pressure or expectation. I believe that sometimes, the best motivator is pure inspiration - look at how she did it, look at what God did there, look how beautiful, what a huge task! how did she do it?  And that inspiration can last longer than the fear of punishment or the pain of semi-slavery. So I pray that whatever needs to change in our lives, the Lord (in His mercy - because He does not have to do this, because of His love) will present us with bits and pieces of inspiration to keep us going.

There's Some Hard Times in the Neighborhood

(I came to the realization this week that a lot of people read and I don't know they read. Subconsciously I probably knew that,  but I had never reall thought about it. So thanks.)
If you've been watching lately, you may have notived that my posts fluctuate between brilliant and intellectual and angry or defeatist. That's a pretty accurate assessment of the current state of my psyche.

My fingernails and cuticles have major evidence of nervous biting. My skin is broken out. I pick fights with people because it's much easier to argue than to be unengaged. I'm either wayyy more put together than it's necessary to be, or I look like I fell out of bed without looking in the mirror.
The part that you may not know is that along with my moods comes a general dissatisfaction. I'm either really missing the past or I want to lay down and go to sleep and wake up in the future.

There are degrees and poems and competitions and books and good essays and fancy titles and legislation in my future (Thank GOD)...but for all I know that future is 5 years away. I don't like to think about the distant future when tomorrow scares the sh*t out of me.

In my past, along with the stupid things I did and mean people I knew there are a ton of missed opportunities. If I hadn't been so wrapped up in experiencing OCU college life, I could have had a good, well-paying, cushy office job for a year. Instead, I only had said job for 5 months. When I was 18 cheerleading, being in a sorority, working for the college newspaper, and sleeping in were more important than money. I was either stupid and childish, or blindly idealistic. I could have had a hard, taxing job that paid enough and got me a lot of attention and notoriety from summer 2007 until graduation. Instead I only had that job for 4 months. When I was 18, being an officer in my sorority and being on Panhellenic and having time to do nothing in my dorm room was more important that the future I could have had in journalism.  I think at that point my fault was a lack of focus. I didn't know what I wanted, so I didn't know how to get it. I could have had a relatively easy job doing soft sales and hanging out with cute kids and their neurotic parents from summer 2007 to the present. I did work that job for over a year. But then sorority and student government and free time were more important. 

Are you bored with my list yet?

My point is, back when I had all the opportunity and none of the focus, I had my choice of jobs to help pay the bills. I had three jobs at one point. No time, but plenty of money. Now that I have focus, I have no opportunity.

I'm not saying money is the most important thing. But I'm saying everything is easier with money.

I don't really know what to do. I'm technically employed at two different locations. But Chili's took me off the schedule for some reason unbeknownst to me, and I'm 96% sure Aldo is about to cut my hours wayy back (not that I was getting a lot anyway).  Part of me doesn't want to look for a new job because I'm spending three days in Texas over Thanksgiving, I want to take an intercession class, and my bestie's getting married over New Year's. But the other part of me is in constant freak-out mode because at this rate, I'm not going to be able to afford the gas money or hotel fare for the wedding road trip that's already been completely planned. Hm.

My mom thinks I should skip intercession class so that I can work pretty constantly from December 7 to December 28 and from Jan 3 through summer 2010 (my next semester schedule is WIDE open - thank  GOD for online classes)...and that might be a smart choice. But I want to graduate, damn it! I'm already a year late. I'm not particularly interested in being later.
Then I thought about it. Would I rather be poor and not get to do anything but make sure I'm done in May of 2011, or should I find a good job that pays and maybe cut back on the hours? I took 17 this semester and am in enrolled in 17 for next semester. I only need 12 to be a full-time student. But taking my time with this degree just wasn't part of the plan.

They say pray about it.
I have, I am. This is prayer. There's a prayer being prayed in a foreign language in my head. Last night's tears were prayers. Now I want some answers.

:: deep sigh ::