Friday, May 29, 2009

Obama hires fund-raisers

Check out the article (click on title).

Um, I don't know that I really think that's a problem, not a big enough one to complain about anyway. If these people gave lots of money to the campaign and encouraged others to give lots of money, it could be because they believe in what the President wants to do. It could be because they wanted to buy themselves an ambassadorship, but so what? If these men start doing things that are selfish and not in line with the President's objectives, then we can say he made a bad decision in hiring them. But if they work to further his cause, then there's no problem.

Does it matter if they are career politicians or random other important people? Only if you are a career politician. That's just life.

Independent (written June 6, 2008)

Some women call themselves strong
because they don’t need a man.
I’ll know that I’m truly in command
when I don’t even want one.
I already said I don’t want to fall in love,
but I guess the truth of it is –
lust is just as dangerous.

I want to lay awake at night
with thoughts of me make me too wired to sleep.
I want to dream of red carpets,
of front page spreads,
not the spread of my legs.
I want to drink in the fragrance of my own soul and become high.
I want to envelope myself
in the blanket of my heart and sigh.

Tomorrow I’m going to look myself in the mirror and say,
“We got us, baby, and that’s the only way
to protect this gift that’s been placed on me,
to sleep sound enough to be able to see the dream.”

Don’t misunderstand.
I’m not rejecting love.
This heart is big enough
to house a whole nation
full of ass-backward Americans
who are so quick to forget that the power will be taken
away from a servant the Master doesn’t trust.

I love men with a strength I can’t name,
with the fire that rushed forth from his gut when he came.
I love their bull-headed, arrogant,
how-am-I-ever-going-to-live-with-this ways.

And I love children
because they hold tomorrow in their fragile hands.
They must eat and thrive off of what we leave of this land.
And they don’t even understand
the vastness of the Void trying to reach in and apprehend.

I love other women in a way that makes me cry
when our resilience is being broken by lies,
when we make up excuses in our mind
while he creeps his way in between our thighs,
when we give up before we’ve even tried.

And this love of which I speak
is why I must reach
only inside of me
to find the strength to bring the women peace,
to bring forth the knowledge to teach to the children,
and to see the pain,
not the desire that hides it,
when a man is looking at me.
I have to need and want only me
if I’m going to succeed in setting us all free.

-------
I really feel like this is the truest thing I've ever written about myself. Perhaps if I dive deeper into this, I'll figure everything else out.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

I Will Never Be a Competing Slam Poet

On April 28, I wrote a blog titled “I Will Never Be a Slam Poet.”

Here was some of the “rationale” behind that argument.

“I ‘bleed’ too much, feel too much, think too much.”

Last night I was watching Brave New Voices, and it solidified for me what I should have never forgotten. It’s not that I bleed too much, I was just doing it the wrong way. That’s what expression consists of: thoughts, feelings, and blood.

Then, I said, “I used to want to be a slam poet more than anything in the world, but I can't. I was meant to be different. Meant to write, not to perform. Meant to speak, not to recite. Meant to teach, not to compete.”

I said, “I am not saying that slam is shallow (although I know some think it is). Yes, it is a game...but I believe that games and competitions show people's character.“

In response to what I wrote, my friend Lauren Zuniga said, “Slam is just something we do. A game we play so that the Ego can have a good time and give the Spirit permission to write.”

Brave New Voices changed my opinion of all that. Team Philadelphia consisted of Hasan Malik Babb, Josh Bennett, Aysha El Shamayleh, Noel Scales, Chloe Wayne, and Alysia Harris. On the season finale during the final round of the grand slam, the whole team went onstage holding hands and crying. They told the audience that they had not been behaving like a team over the course of the competition. They said the scores and the desire to win had distracted them. Because of this, they made the decision to forfeit the final round as a team. All six of them together chose to say it’s not about the competition but about the poetry, about the difference that words can make. And to top it off, they still performed. They blessed us with their words and refused to be scored. In my opinion, if they hadn’t forfeited, they would have won. I think perhaps they knew that and felt they didn’t deserve to win if the win would mean more than the words. Damn.

Slam is just a game. Prior to watching this episode of this show, I wasn’t sure if there was a right way to play it. But those six kids put the entity of slam poetry to shame. They showed me and the world that the warrior generation really is fighting for something more than titles and recognition.

When the grand slam was over and the rest of the qualifying teams had been scored, they were all brought on stage to announce the winners from low to high. When the announcements were made, the teams were asked to stand in ranked order by their teammates. They all refused. They said they wouldn’t split up that way because they were all one team and it was all one prize. They started shouting, “One Team! One Team! One Team!” And the show’s host threw up his hands, went offstage, sat down and let them do their thing. Their voices were heard. The show ended with all the teams on stage intermingled, hugging each other, congratulating each other, chanting, “BNV ain’t nothin’ to fuck with!” That’s the truth if I’ve ever heard it.

Here are some of the things I texted to Kosher when I was watching this on TV.

“Now, I want to master slam, not to ever win any kind of title but so that I can teach kids how to save their own lives through words and performance.”

“They are so beautiful. That is why I want to teach so that I can help bring that out in them.”
“Those kids have already learned to self-actualize in a way that makes sure nothing can ever be too hard for them.”

The only time I ever cry like I did while I was watching that show is when something intense happens in church. That’s how I know this is holy. Somebody is going to watch that and get saved. Now I know where else to point when the church house isn’t helping.

Those kids have given me direction and desire. They lit a fire in my soul that I thought would never burn outside the four walls of an evangelical church (this thought turned into three poems, especially the one titled “Wise Words”). But now I know: Holy are the beautiful things, peace, humanity, sincerity. And they are holy no matter where they are seen.

Here are some of Kosher’s comments during our conversation.

“You can do it, if you’re ready for holding their bleeding wounds.”
My prayer over the next year is to become ready – through inspiration and meditation on the goal.

“If I would die today, I would be glad knowing that the world will be in good hands. I thank G-D for them.” - Kosher
I agree.
I cried harder when I read this statement, because the competitor in me, the attention whore in me, doesn’t want to die without leaving a mark. That part of me doesn’t want to die today, because then those kids would get all the credit for their bravery and conviction and I would have no legacy to leave. I cried because I knew my feelings were selfish. It doesn’t matter who evokes the change as long as it happens. Fuck my competitive drive. Blessed are the brave hearts for they will be remembered. Humbled are the timid hearts for they will always strive to be remembered.

“It is possible to be saved by the blood of Jesus, but only if Jesus wept from hearing them. They are the living gospel.” - Kosher
That needs to be a line in a poem.

Today, I opened a vein, mixed blood with ink, and it poured out looking like poetry.

This Is The Way I Live

My boyfriend doesn’t really like poetry
My grandma hates my tattoos
My cousins are too old to believe in the change I see
And my mom won’t really listen to my views.
My white friends don’t understand how my Black is beautiful.
My Black friends don’t know why I refuse to see color.

So I find myself always trying to defend my way of life
Always trying to define it so that when they ask I have an answer
Always trying to prove that I’m not just following whims
I’m making conscious decisions.

I am not a rebel just for obstinance’s sake.
I have to stay outside the box in order to stay in the game.
Everyday I need to push a new limit
Start a new project and find a way to finish it.
Because when I’m playing by your rules and living your decrees
I feel like my soul is seeping out of me
And what, like you said, does it profit me
To gain the whole world, or your blessing,
If I forfeit my soul in the gaining?

I don’t get tattoos to mark my body for the dead
I do it because sometimes there’s an image
that expresses more than I could have said
Sometimes I need you see without me opening my mouth
Sometimes I need to know that if I lose my voice,
My skin will still speak out.

I don’t curse just to make you angry
Sometimes I have to throw in a shit, a damn, or a fuck
Because if I keep my tone neutral and words G-rated
The bangers can’t hear me because I’m not speaking their language
A poem is a picture and sometimes we use expletives to frame it.

I don’t argue with you about religion just to see what you’ll say
I really believe there’s more than one entity that saves.
Even Jesus didn’t speak to everyone alike
So I think maybe with all our new technology,
God’s portfolio has diversified

I don’t argue with you because I think your views invalid
I just want to make sure you can fight for how you live
If I can change your mind,
It means you were really that convinced
So make sure you know who you are before you step to this.
I do it my way.
I wouldn’t call it obstinance; it’s grit
I love you for caring,
But this is me…and I need you to accept it.

Brave New Voice (an homage)

The most powerful lesson I could ever hope to teach
Is the one that shows you there’s no height your dreams can’t reach if you let them.
Human beings are the most destructive
and the most resourceful of all the universe’s things
But I promise you this, new voice,
Someone will hear you if you scream.

Perhaps it will only be your neighbor at first,
But if you show her where you bleed,
She will seek to mother your wound until it seeps into her as well.
And I promise you this, they will hear when two voices scream.

If you tell them you refuse to steal Paco’s culture
Porque su padre no habla ingles
They won’t be able to ignore the noise that you and his whole family make
When you scream

If you tell them love is what we were created to give
And it doesn’t matter if Adam chooses Eve or Steve
Or if all three of them shack up,
All that matters is that they love each other and the world hard enough
to scream

So tell them, new voice,
That you will cover your head even inside their school doors.
You won’t judge them by their gods if they let you worship yours.

Scream until governments no longer turn blind eyes to the men, women, and children dying in the streets.
Scream until your voices reach the corner offices of the tallest Wallstreet buildings.
Scream until one job pays one salary regardless of what organs you carry between your legs,
Until politics becomes about getting work done not about getting words said.
Scream until there are as many programs teaching kids the danger of STDs
As there are corporations selling us sex through our television screens.
Scream until your friends no longer get pulled over simply for driving while black,
Until ghetto children are safe from police attacks.
Scream until gangs are no longer cool and we stop using drugs to escape.
Scream, because, I promise, it’s a nobler way to wade through the pain.
Scream until you can say “I’m proud to be an American
Because everyone here is free.
On this ground, we honor and bless the ones who died to give us what we see.
But I proudly stand up for him, for her, for me,
Because we are the generation that realized the ancestors' dreams.
Our flags have stopped waving and we give our allegiance to one thing
The brave voices that got us where we needed to be.”

My Father's Love

He exists only in candid photographs emblazoned on my memory
He lives somewhere beyond the sea
But to me, he’s only the image of what never could be
Daddy
Mom said he used to speak Spanish to me
Used to tell me “No” once and I’d obey
Maybe that’s why I rebelled when he went away
I realized that obedience is not what makes parents stay.

Since I had no father with whom to cuddle up
I cradled King James’s God in my arms like if I could just hold tight enough
I wouldn’t feel so exposed.
I cried rivers of tears
I thought maybe the harder and longer I wept the more likely he was to hear
From Panama.

The churches built on King James’s God
Taught me that suffering is earned
Everyone falls short of the glory and that’s how you get hurt
It’s punishment well deserved
Their correct combination of rituals and words
Taught me that life wouldn’t be so hard
If I learned to tithe under the table to the Man in charge
I learned to work the system
And I was too young then to see
That their salvation system had hoodwinked me

Well-behaved people do not create history.
In fact, there was a man who behaved so badly
He spent all of his 33 years avoiding capture by the authorities.
This man showed us how to forgive
He showed us his way and then asked us to do it better than him.

We have failed at what put Jesus a cut above
It was his boundless capacity for forgiveness and love
We’re so busy pleasing King James’s God by obeying
And providing Caesar with taxes from the store we were saving
That we no longer stop to break bread and commune
We are no longer tuned to the heartbeat of the universe

Sometimes I still miss my daddy
But when I open my mind and heart wide enough
I feel all of the love that he could have ever given me
Because it exists in the very air I breathe

Thursday, May 21, 2009

I Will Never Be a COMPETING Slam Poet

On April 28, I wrote a blog titled “I Will Never Be a Slam Poet.”

Here was some of the “rationale” behind that argument.

“I ‘bleed’ too much, feel too much, think too much.”

Last night I was watching Brave New Voices, and it solidified for me what I should have never forgotten. It’s not that I bleed too much, I was just doing it the wrong way. That’s what expression consists of: thoughts, feelings, and blood.

Then, I said, “I used to want to be a slam poet more than anything in the world, but I can't. I was meant to be different. Meant to write, not to perform. Meant to speak, not to recite. Meant to teach, not to compete.”

I said, “I am not saying that slam is shallow (although I know some think it is). Yes, it is a game...but I believe that games and competitions show people's character.“

In response to what I wrote, my friend Lauren Zuniga said, “Slam is just something we do. A game we play so that the Ego can have a good time and give the Spirit permission to write.”

Brave New Voices changed my opinion of all that. Team Philadelphia consisted of Hasan Malik Babb, Josh Bennett, Aysha El Shamayleh, Noel Scales, Chloe Wayne, and Alysia Harris. On the season finale during the final round of the grand slam, the whole team went onstage holding hands and crying. They told the audience that they had not been behaving like a team over the course of the competition. They said the scores and the desire to win had distracted them. Because of this, they made the decision to forfeit the final round as a team. All six of them together chose to say it’s not about the competition but about the poetry, about the difference that words can make. And to top it off, they still performed. They blessed us with their words and refused to be scored. In my opinion, if they hadn’t forfeited, they would have won. I think perhaps they knew that and felt they didn’t deserve to win if the win would mean more than the words. Damn.

Slam is just a game. Prior to watching this episode of this show, I wasn’t sure if there was a right way to play it. But those six kids put the entity of slam poetry to shame. They showed me and the world that the warrior generation really is fighting for something more than titles and recognition.

When the grand slam was over and the rest of the qualifying teams had been scored, they were all brought on stage to announce the winners from low to high. When the announcements were made, the teams were asked to stand in ranked order by their teammates. They all refused. They said they wouldn’t split up that way because they were all one team and it was all one prize. They started shouting, “One Team! One Team! One Team!” And the show’s host threw up his hands, went offstage, sat down and let them do their thing. Their voices were heard. The show ended with all the teams on stage intermingled, hugging each other, congratulating each other, chanting, “BNV ain’t nothin’ to fuck with!” That’s the truth if I’ve ever heard it.

Here are some of the things I texted to Kosher when I was watching this on TV.

“Now, I want to master slam, not to ever win any kind of title but so that I can teach kids how to save their own lives through words and performance.”

“They are so beautiful. That is why I want to teach so that I can help bring that out in them.”
“Those kids have already learned to self-actualize in a way that makes sure nothing can ever be too hard for them.”

The only time I ever cry like I did while I was watching that show is when something intense happens in church. That’s how I know this is holy. Somebody is going to watch that and get saved. Now I know where else to point when the church house isn’t helping.

Those kids have given me direction and desire. They lit a fire in my soul that I thought would never burn outside the four walls of an evangelical church (this thought turned into three poems, especially the one titled “Wise Words”). But now I know: Holy are the beautiful things, peace, humanity, sincerity. And they are holy no matter where they are seen.

Here are some of Kosher’s comments during our conversation.

“You can do it, if you’re ready for holding their bleeding wounds.”
My prayer over the next year is to become ready – through inspiration and meditation on the goal.

“If I would die today, I would be glad knowing that the world will be in good hands. I thank G-D for them.” - Kosher
I agree.
I cried harder when I read this statement, because the competitor in me, the attention whore in me, doesn’t want to die without leaving a mark. That part of me doesn’t want to die today, because then those kids would get all the credit for their bravery and conviction and I would have no legacy to leave. I cried because I knew my feelings were selfish. It doesn’t matter who evokes the change as long as it happens. Fuck my competitive drive. Blessed are the brave hearts for they will be remembered. Humbled are the timid hearts for they will always strive to be remembered.

“It is possible to be saved by the blood of Jesus, but only if Jesus wept from hearing them. They are the living gospel.” - Kosher
That needs to be a line in a poem.

Today, I opened a vein, mixed blood with ink, and it poured out looking like poetry.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

The Reinvention

My friend Mannie has a poem called "The Reinvention." I will admit that I am likely bastardizing the idea of the poem by using it for my own personal gain, but...oh well. Ideas are for sharing, not for hoarding.

I intend for this to be the summer of my personal reinvention. I've been doing all kinds of subtle changing over the past three years. This year, there have been some significant events that have sped up those changes. In fact, I would say that my life has changed so much so fast that it left my spirit and a bit of my essence in the dirt. So I'm trying to play some catch up and get a head start on forever...since this is my last summer as an unofficial grown-up.

Here are the elements of the reinvention:

1. I am committed to losing 30 pounds.
Progress to this point: 6 pounds.
Other notes: I want to lose 50 pounds by the end of the year.

2. I want to find a spiritual system that works.
Progress to this point: I think I'm started on the right track. The synergy of Christianity (the belief) and Buddhism (the understanding) - see previous blog post. All I really need now is the way. "All the effort must be made by you, Buddha only shows the way." - the Dhammapada
Other notes: It be really awesome to get some feedback and support on this. I am surrounded on all sides by fundamentalist Christians who think I'm going to hell. Ugh.

3. My best friend, Jessica, and I decided that my emotional scars will begin to fade once I come to the realization that I can regain control of my life. This will come from the accomplishment of these goals and from saving money.
Progress to this point: 6 pounds and a job.
Other notes: This is mostly an emotional thing. I want "the serenity of a mind at ease with itself" (Pride and Prejudice).

4. I want to compete in a couple of poetry slams.
Progress to this point: Three poems that are written for the stage and a friend who is pushing me.
Other notes: This is something I've been struggling with for a year now.

5. I want to save my own money to buy a few things by the end of the summer.
Progress to this point: I have one job and have put in a few applications for a second.
Other notes: I got into a bad habit of spending my student loan money on everything I wanted rather than saving up other money to do stuff with.

I am excited about the prospects.
We'll see where I end up.

Synergy

"The lotus symbolizes the gorgeous flower that rises out of the mud of this world. It is a symbol of purity and spontaneous Divine birth." - Joan Gattuso

"Buddhism promotes understanding, not belief. Christianity promotes belief, not understanding." - Dr. Robert Thurman

"Buddhism, I believe, can work in concert with Christianity to create an ever-growing spiritual synergy." - Joan Gattuso

This is what I am aiming for.

I'm going back to Christian church tomorrow morning. Let's see what happens.

----
Quotes from Joan Gattuso's The Lotus Still Blooms

"With the very highest expression of Right View we relinquish our judgments, good or ill, about everything."

"We must learn to always remain calm at our depths."

"With every utterance, a vibration is sent forth...These vibrations, negative or positive, do not dissipate quickly."

Right Action is "being certain that our every action is in accord with our inner essence. It is consistency of being - as within, so without."

"What we focus on expands."

"The only sacrifice is to give up what has no reality."

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Junior Year is Over

Why is junior year of college so much harder than all the other years? Why at the end of it, do so many people feel like they are ready to lay down and die?

I don't understand it.

I just know that my junior year is over and I am ready to have a ball! I just realized that I don't think I need to take summer class, so I'll just be working and hanging out with friends and sleeping and getting skinny and saving money and reading and catching up on TV. Sounds amazing!!

Is everyone else done with school?
What are your summer plans?