Wednesday, June 24, 2009


i want to be humble enough to say i'm sorry and mean it.

i want to be calm enough to excuse unfairness without retaliating.

i want to have enough joy to overcome the hard times with grace.

i want to be humble enough to know that there is nothing others go through that i deserve to be shielded from.

i want to be so aware of the Divine that cease to misuse the Name and that i treat it as holy, almost too holy for expression. like they did in the old testament.

a long time ago, i was so convinced that G-D was everything and i was nothing that i never capitalized the letter "i." this was not an original idea. i took it from a girl who said, "am i so important that i always need to be bigger than the other letters?"

i did then, and now have come to once again agree with that assertion. i have spent too many days, weeks, months, mistaking the grace that gives me access to the Divine for a sense of entitlement. i felt like i was entitled to power, to prestige, to favor. but i am not entitled to anything. if people live on the street and children have no medical attention, why do i deserve only the cushiest desk jobs and the honor that comes with having people see the intellect i was blessed with?

christian said this was meant to teach me humility. i thought he was wrong. but the mistake was mine...depression and humility are far from the same thing. in fact, i am starting to believe that depression, at its core, is selfish. so intend of praying for humility, i will pray that my eyes are opened to the reality of what has become my life.

as within, so without...

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