(I came to the realization this week that a lot of people read and I don't know they read. Subconsciously I probably knew that, but I had never reall thought about it. So thanks.)
If you've been watching lately, you may have notived that my posts fluctuate between brilliant and intellectual and angry or defeatist. That's a pretty accurate assessment of the current state of my psyche.
My fingernails and cuticles have major evidence of nervous biting. My skin is broken out. I pick fights with people because it's much easier to argue than to be unengaged. I'm either wayyy more put together than it's necessary to be, or I look like I fell out of bed without looking in the mirror.
The part that you may not know is that along with my moods comes a general dissatisfaction. I'm either really missing the past or I want to lay down and go to sleep and wake up in the future.
There are degrees and poems and competitions and books and good essays and fancy titles and legislation in my future (Thank GOD)...but for all I know that future is 5 years away. I don't like to think about the distant future when tomorrow scares the sh*t out of me.
In my past, along with the stupid things I did and mean people I knew there are a ton of missed opportunities. If I hadn't been so wrapped up in experiencing OCU college life, I could have had a good, well-paying, cushy office job for a year. Instead, I only had said job for 5 months. When I was 18 cheerleading, being in a sorority, working for the college newspaper, and sleeping in were more important than money. I was either stupid and childish, or blindly idealistic. I could have had a hard, taxing job that paid enough and got me a lot of attention and notoriety from summer 2007 until graduation. Instead I only had that job for 4 months. When I was 18, being an officer in my sorority and being on Panhellenic and having time to do nothing in my dorm room was more important that the future I could have had in journalism. I think at that point my fault was a lack of focus. I didn't know what I wanted, so I didn't know how to get it. I could have had a relatively easy job doing soft sales and hanging out with cute kids and their neurotic parents from summer 2007 to the present. I did work that job for over a year. But then sorority and student government and free time were more important.
Are you bored with my list yet?
My point is, back when I had all the opportunity and none of the focus, I had my choice of jobs to help pay the bills. I had three jobs at one point. No time, but plenty of money. Now that I have focus, I have no opportunity.
I'm not saying money is the most important thing. But I'm saying everything is easier with money.
I don't really know what to do. I'm technically employed at two different locations. But Chili's took me off the schedule for some reason unbeknownst to me, and I'm 96% sure Aldo is about to cut my hours wayy back (not that I was getting a lot anyway). Part of me doesn't want to look for a new job because I'm spending three days in Texas over Thanksgiving, I want to take an intercession class, and my bestie's getting married over New Year's. But the other part of me is in constant freak-out mode because at this rate, I'm not going to be able to afford the gas money or hotel fare for the wedding road trip that's already been completely planned. Hm.
My mom thinks I should skip intercession class so that I can work pretty constantly from December 7 to December 28 and from Jan 3 through summer 2010 (my next semester schedule is WIDE open - thank GOD for online classes)...and that might be a smart choice. But I want to graduate, damn it! I'm already a year late. I'm not particularly interested in being later.
Then I thought about it. Would I rather be poor and not get to do anything but make sure I'm done in May of 2011, or should I find a good job that pays and maybe cut back on the hours? I took 17 this semester and am in enrolled in 17 for next semester. I only need 12 to be a full-time student. But taking my time with this degree just wasn't part of the plan.
They say pray about it.
I have, I am. This is prayer. There's a prayer being prayed in a foreign language in my head. Last night's tears were prayers. Now I want some answers.
:: deep sigh ::