Monday, November 30, 2009

"I'm tired of painting myself 'will be' when You are always 'I AM'" - Melissa May

I am tired of striving
All of life is striving
Striving to be a good daughter, to be less of a financial burden, to ask few questions, to have fewer arguments.
Mami, I have never said this out loud,
but on nights like tonight, I would cut out my personality and throw it away if it meant we could go the rest of the year without arguing.
I would drop out of school and make the money to pay you back if that didn't mean that the loans you took out for me would go into early repayment.
I would spend my last few dollars on presents for your birthday and Christmas if I didn't have to ask you for gas money next week.

I'm tired of striving
All of life is striving
Striving to be a good Christian, to be less volatile, less judgmental, to love like Jesus, and obey His commandments.
Savior, Father, Spirit,
the thought of dying scares me less than the thought of continuing to do this wrong.
I would give you my whole paycheck, not just ten percent, if I wouldn't be financially hurting my family by doing it.
I would enter a convent, if I didn't believe you had given me specific gifts to take with me to the masses.
I would spend all day, everyday talking to, hearing from, reading about, and worshipping You, if I didn't really believe that You want me to worship You by showing others the truth. 
I would say "all I need is You, Lord, is You, Lord. All I need is You" if I didn't think You had created me for relationship with others too.
I am tried of striving.

I think that was going to be a poem...but it's really just a complaint, the same complaint I've had for the last year.
The place I was trying to get to, but failed, is that there is nothing happy about where I am. I am only alive for the "will be." I get up every morning and pray for the strength to make it through today so that one day, I will be able to walk in my calling and my gift. So that one day, I will be able to say, I made it over. So that one say, I will be able to thank God that I'm not where I used to be.

My pastor says you can always thank God that you're not where you used to be...but I'm having a hard time believing that, because I used to be happy. And I haven't been happy for a year. 

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