Monday, March 15, 2010

Hope and Desire and Freedom

There is so much going on right now. I'm going on vacation tomorrow, but I'm overwhelmed by the things that will be facing me when I come back.

School - I have another research paper coming up. I have a new class starting.
I need to figure out my summer classes and plan my summer schedule. I need to decide when I'm graduating and what I'm doing with my life. 

Build-A-Bear - I need to write down some Spanish phrases to better serve our clientele. I need to brainstorm some training methods. I need to schedule some training time. I need to update our calendar.

Classen SAS - I need to spend 30 hours there before April 16th.

OSGA - I need to write a script for our promotional video and finish editing/send out the minutes from the last meeting. I need to contact a guy about the website.

hearOKC/art - I need to schedule in time to brainstorm, blog, edit my previous writings, and talk to people about the movement.

I've never really liked how it is decided who has to do what in order to "pay their dues" to a concept.  You have to be the leader of however many organizations in high school to be eligible for certain scholarship programs in college. Regardless of your willingness to do what it takes starting now.  You have to win local competitions and do local shows before you can get big roles in the performance world. Regardless of how good you are and whether you're perfect for the job. You have to be a reporter before you can be a columnist before you can be an editor. Regardless of the fact that you're better at opinion writing and better at editing than reporting.
I understand why you have do certain things and get experience before you can do other things...but I feel like oftentimes, the process of those experiential things takes the love of the bigger projects away.

I want to make contacts in the poetry world but I have to slam first. I don't want to slam. But supposedly I need that experience before I can have the right perspective for other things.

It's just frustrating.

In other news, what the hell is going on with my life? At Levey's wedding, I was single and not really trying to mingle.  I have so many things I want to do with my life that I don't want to have to think about a relationship. I have codependent tendencies, so thinking about the potentiality of a relationship messes with my mojo. And I'm a bit of a control freak who likes to only have my wants and needs to worry about. For better or worse, there was (is?) a situation with a guy who seemed like a great catch - smart, funny, older, far away, self-reliant, focused.  The problem is: I am VERY easily distracted, and very quickly attached to ideas. So I spent all this time thinking about all of the potential goodness and how that might or might not affect my future plans. And now it looks like it has fizzled out before it really got started.
The moral of the story is: for a month I've been really excited about something that was not in my 3-year plan. I considered how I'd be willing to change my 3-year plan. I forgot about small parts of the 3-year plan that impact the 5-year plan and the 10-year plan.  And now I'm back to the place where a potential relationship isn't in the forecast. I kind of feel like I wasted a lot of mental energy this month and I am worried that every time a guy shows an interest I'm going to do the same thing. 

Is it selfish to not amend your thinking regardless of who comes into your life? I.e. if I were to assume that a relationship couldn't go anywhere (except the bedroom) because my 3-year plan needs focus, would I be driving away a good guy because I'm not flexible? Or is the right guy a guy who thinks, "It's awesome that you have this plan for your life. Don't worry about me. Just fit me in where you can"? Or should I do what I did, have an alternative plan for my life if I'm with someone?

I guess it really comes down to hope and desire and freedom.  Do I hope for a relationship, or do I hope to be "a movement by myself"? Do I desire the things that I know I can accomplish on my own, or do I desire the things that require partnership? I am free to choose. In the freedom lies the tension.

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