Beauty Heals Broken Hearts

In my last post (skip the video and the book review) I talked about how God's desire is for us to behave in a way that attracts people to His goodness.  That should trump any beauty regiment or product sales.

On May 3, LifeChurch.tv did baptisms. I stood in the sanctuary and jumped and danced and lifted my arms in worship, and cried and cried and cried.  I had an ecclesiastical epiphany.  I knew on a deep level that everything in the world: every task, every product, every relationship is utterly meaningless until someone's life is changed in a way that leads them to the cross of Christ and the realization that those who find God find the life for which we were created.

"And the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace."

That afternoon, I posted this status to Facebook:

"I've never posted anything like this before. But it feels right, so I'm gonna go with that. 

My spirit just said "You are going to feel like your life is in shambles (with brief, sporadic spots of hope and peace) until you have allowed the Lord to create a full-time ministry through you."

So. There it is. Anyone who knows about ministry jobs, or who wants to pay my bills so I can quit my job, hit me up."

10 people were so gracious as to respond thoughtfully and compassionately.  The prayer team at LifeChurch gave me a ton of support.  I had two really meaningful and important conversations with women of God who I have always looked up to.

In six weeks, I have learned two indescribably important lessons:

1. God speaks clearly. Always. 
• Problems arise when we are not properly positioned to hear and understand what He is saying.  I was moved by God's love for us, by His investment in returning us to our place of ruling the earth as extensions of Him.  I was also overwhelmed and disappointed at school. I was in pain that I was trying to rationalize away.  I was guilty of not allowing Him to be my strength and my joy and my help. That last statement about ministry jobs was my flesh denying God's ability and willingness to redeem my current and past ministry roles and callings.  There's an old LifeChurch sermon about how when some people landscape, they do it slowly section-by-section. Others raze the whole property and start over from scratch.  You can guess which category I'm in.
2. You can often discern God's voice because He is telling you what you don't want to hear (but what lines up with His word and what is right). 
• At the beginning of last school year, the Lord provided me with Bible verses to guide me, as well as a prayer team that supported me and gave me words of wisdom.  A guiding scripture for my teaching career has always been "those the Lord calls he also equips." But I was not letting Him equip me. I was not utilizing prayers and the anointing, or group accountability to do the job the Lord had assigned me.  Some of the pain was to purify me and some was self-inflicted.  God did not want to abandon His process by validating my weakness and lack of trust.  I am a teacher.  At least for now. 

The Lord was very clear when He spoke to me. "...until you have allowed the Lord to create a full-time ministry through you."  What He did not say was "...until you quit teaching." What He did not say was "...until you work at a church or in the mission field." He told me to allow Him to lead and to allow Him to hold the paintbrush.

Teaching is a ministry, I just have to be willing to serve.

But I also was placed in the path of a servant who loves the Lord and wants to free His daughters from sexual abuse and slavery.  I was so inspired by his compassion and simplicity (sometimes it's simple - if not easy: find safe houses, rescue women and girls) and determination (to put a permanent end to sex trafficking worldwide).  His project, Broken Hearts, is in the very beginning stages, but he planted a seed in me and I know will continue to do so for others.

Through a conversation with my sweet friend Ericka, a makeup artist and manager for MAC, about her passion for the company's philanthropy, I was reminded about Younique's dedication to domestic violence awareness (DVA) and support for victims.  This is not my first time working for DVA.  For three years of college, my sorority made a large effort to promote awareness.

I also remembered that my friend Maria has transitioned her mission to save souls in Haiti to include helping Haitian women rise up from their discrimination and high rate of violent and sexual victimization and empower them to create better lives for themselves and their children.  Her Jasper House will open this year.

In the USA, Christians spend a lot of time talking about how women hurt themselves by the relationships they choose, clothes they wear, friends they model.  We talk about our petty and catty tendencies.  We talk about working versus nurturing our family and about church leadership or back-row seats.  But we ignore the enemy's darker and more violent attack on our femininity and our ability to see, embody, maintain, and exude the beauty God had in mind for us from the beginning.  We don't talk about violence and sexual assault.

And we definitely don't ask ourselves enough if we can help.

In September, it will be a year since I focused my creative energies around three words: Truth. Beauty. Inspiration. Through my recent revelations and the lens through which I now see so many things (advertising, pornography, the premature and exaggerated sexualization of young women), I will be narrowing that focus down even further.

The Truth is Yeshua, the Messiah, the Savior, the soon returning and reigning King. "Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to [humans] by which we must be saved" (Acts 4:12). He is also the Word, our logos - the reason we do anything (John 14).

Beauty is everywhere and IN EVERY ONE OF US, especially women of God.

We are called to use that beauty to Inspire others towards the greatness inside them, whether our husbands, our students, our best friends, our church family or the world.

I am working on a plan and system by which I dedicate my Younique sales, book sales, and performance payments first, to paying off my credit cards so that I can reallocate my salary toward an apartment and then house of my own so that I can be hospitable to others. Secondly, and more importantly, to donate and undergird the missions of Broken Hearts and the Jasper House.

Until (and even after) I have generated the funds to be able to allocate and reallocate them, my makeup photos will take on a more focused connection to the beauty in us already and the healing and empowerment God desires for us.

This post is plenty long enough, but there will be more and more and more on this topic in the future. Thank you to my Bold, Brave and Pretty sisters who helped me get here!

What can you do to help?
Buy makeup!
Buy my poetry book! Contact me for instructions.
Pray for me!

#TrueBeautyInspires

Book Review: Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury

First, a few notes:

• I will never cease to be amazed by old dystopian authors' ability to look into the future and accurately predict what will happen that will suck.
• I, although a nerd and a teacher to boot, am a 26-year-old product of the high-tech, fast-paced 21st century. 
• In the case of this book, I am reading like a writer, more than like the average Joe.

 
Basic concept:
The short novel takes place in the indistinct future. Bradbury (author), writing from 1953, does a phenomenal job of predicting the affect television will have on society.  Books are now a threat to the status quo and must be burned.  Firemen start the fires that burn them. The novel's only round, dynamic character is Guy Montag, a fireman.

My observations, opinions, and analysis:
There is a very high level of symbolism in this novel.  Because I listened to the audiobook - and because I'm not always as smart as I think I am, some of it was lost on me.  This means most of it would be lost on the average high school student and many adults.  The literary allusions were just within my range of familiarity, which means all other people with literature and library degrees would get them, but it's a toss-up for math majors and computer tech guys. 



I found the biblical allusions, and the veiled theme that the Bible is the most important book capable of healing a world totally destroyed, touching and understated.  This is good in that the 21st century populace will not be preached at and moralized to.  This is bad in that lack of biblical knowledge will send the allusions right over your head. The words carry double the weight when you know where they came from. 

My aesthetic reactions and recommendation:
The book is short - 5 hours by audio, 150 pages of text. This is good, because some of the imagery and symbolism and allusion drags.  Having only one (real) character, for me, can be tiring.  There's a section very near the end where Guy is caused to wonder what knowledge really is and where it is kept. I am slightly ashamed to say, I cried. If I think about it too hard, I will cry again.  This is probably not a reaction the average person should expect. You've got to really really love books. 

If you have it in your mind to pick up Fahrenheit 451 and read it, you are probably very ambitious, or a nerd, or you like a challenge. If that's true of you, do it. Pick it up, read it, struggle through it, get all the way to the end.  If you are not a reader, this is not a starter book. If you haven't read anything since high school and you're older than 20, this is not how you want to reacclimate yourself.  If you read the Bible (specifically not in the NLT or Message translations), you might want to give this a taste.  See how it goes.

I don't think I could teach this to anyone, but AP students, or seniors who had been through a rigorous English curriculum.
 
8 out of 10 points.  That's my standard rating.

#WhyIShaklee + 5-Day Reset

A New Thing

I'm doing a new thing in 2015! Who's in?

Awakening

My friend Alton posted on Facebook about spiritual awakening today.

The students who need the most help are the ones who get suspended and expelled. One of the kiddos got arrested today - I don't even know what for.

People get sick with diseases that are simply attacks of the devil everyday.

One of my kiddos got a girl pregnant recently and has been all depressed about it in class.

My church is having 7 days of prayer this week - Integrity's Voice of Victory Church 44th and Meridian in OKC if you're interested - and I'm so motivated.  Corporate prayer has always captured my attention.

But the point of this post isn't really to invite you to my church.  It's to encourage you to try trusting God, try doing what He would ask you to, try loving like Jesus did.

I know there are a million reasons not to.
a hundred thousand complications
a thousand concerns and a hundred excuses
and then there is fear...

...but you'll never know if you don't try.

Wake up. Look around you. Look at your Facebook feed - 9 year old girls giving male toddlers lap dances, kindergarteners "twerking," people being abducted and killed every minute of every day. There is very obviously something wrong here.  And what we have been trying to do to fix it hasn't helped.

Obama came and he will soon go and things are not better. There has been little change.

There's really only one change agent.  Seek Him. Find Him.  Choose life.

Please. It's real out here. 

Sacrifice, Identity, and the Real You

This blog started with me discussing sacrifice in terms of fitness and body image. Now sacrifice is manifesting in a different way.

In the few weeks since my last post, 

• I have been planning a really great unit with my team teachers on the topic of language and identity. I could teach different aspects of this all year, so I'm really really excited.
• I had also been not working out due to a side oblique strain. Since I wasn't working out, I was stress-eating. Bleh.
• I also had my boss tell me that I'm "making a lot of first-year mistakes" which I took as I'm sucking as a teacher.
• I also turned in a really horrid paper for my grad class and realized that I had no idea what I was doing for the upcoming paper in my other grad class.
• I had a really really refreshing and amazing coffee date with my friend Ericka.
• I performed twice and went to show where a fellow poet invited me to Tulsa to perform.
• I had a Twilight marathon with my Sheri and realized how much I miss her. 

In looking at my life, I realized that there were a lot of things out of order. Writing and performing doesn't really get to exit my life again (unless I hear it very authoritatively from the voice of God). It's who I am, who He made me. And I don't devote enough time to rehearsing.

On the other hand, I was spending an exorbitant amount of time on something He never called me to, something I ran to out of fear of the future and pride of the past.  Grad school is not a part of my right now. I never intended, and I don't think God ever intended, for me to be in grad school while I am a first-year teacher. One of them would suffer. In reality, both of them suffered.

And my body suffered. Part of my injury was lack of rest.

My stress-eating was, duh, stress-induced.

And my relationship with God suffered.

And my students suffered. My classroom management consultant friend kept reminding me that my students are "human beings not human doings." I realized that I ask them to DO a ton and don't ask them to BE much at all. And that also helped me remind myself that I am a human being not a human doing.

And the most rewarding spaces of being for me are these:

 So I looked at my situation and how I feel after every activity on my schedule and realized what needed to go. Grad school. Please don't think that I am quitting because that's the easier thing to do - it's not. And don't think that I am quitting because what I am learning is superfluous - it's not. I have gotten so many wonderful ideas for my classroom based on what I was studying. But, like I said in my previous posts on this topic - sacrifice is giving up something you want for something you want more. It's not a sacrifice if it's something you didn't really care about. What I want more is to be a good teacher, one that encourages students to BE great, not just pass their tests. What I want more is to be a good performer, someone who speaks to people's souls - their minds, wills, and emotions.  What I want more is to have time to love on people - old friends and new ones. What I want more is to have time to love on God. What I want more is to be healthy in my eating and my exercising and my stress levels. So that's what I'm doing. I am freeing myself to BE who I am. Several weeks ago in church I came upon an incredible realization - a rhema word (a revelation, divinely revealed knowledge).  WHATEVER YOU ARE HOPING AND PRAYING TO BECOME, YOU ALREADY ARE.  Underneath the layers of self-doubt and fear, of self-sabotage and undue restraint, of pain and rejection, of bad relationships and lack of inspiration you are exactly who you ought to be.  You just have to wake up in the morning and be that great mom - like my friend Jessica, that memorable artist - like so many I know and love, that incredible friend and lover (in a romantic way, or just to the world) - like Charmaine, that inspiring teacher - like Drew and Jordan, that dad that defies all the statistics - like Casanova and Jeremy.  That is who you are, NOT who you have to become. You might be looking at this and thinking that's a bold-faced lie. It's not. The way to BE who you are on the inside (even if you previously haven't been on the outside) is to emotionally rest and do all the things that person would do.  If the best dad doesn't smoke and you do, then wake up and refuse the cigarette.  If the best mom is a confident role model for her daughters, then wake up, look in the mirror and find something to love.  If the best teacher doesn't ever yell at his kids, then decide on a calming strategy and use it in the classroom today.  Don't worry about the past.  Don't worry about your tendencies or your shortcomings.  Just get up and do what you ought to. I'm off to grade papers, because good teachers turn in their grades on time. I hope your today is filled with something that helps you be the best version of yourself, in other words, be the real you. 

These photos are where I can be the best version of myself. 

Ever since I left OCU, school has never been the BEST version of me, just a version where I am used to excelling.

I Can't Give Up Now

I am guilty of a couple of things.

Several things really, but at this moment, relevant to this blog post, a couple of things:
1) glossing over the bad news and
2) being arrogant enough to think there will always be good news to report.

The reason it's been so long since I posted is because it's been so long since I've felt like I'm making progress on being WHOLLY successful and because if there has been a moment when I felt that, I haven't had time to write about it.

First year teacher - it's rough. I knew it would be rough. It is NOT rougher than I thought it would be. I'm just lonelier than I thought I would be. I thought they would be the problem, not me. But it's basically all me.
My first problem was having too much on my plate and not devoting enough time to my students. My second problem was treating them like a bunch of adolescent problems to be solved and forgetting to love them. Right now, I just want to go hug all of them and convince them that they can make it.  Too bad I'm not supposed to ever touch them. I have a lot of work to do this upcoming week, but I think I can do it. With God's help of course.

Weight loss, health and fitness - it was getting good. I was feeling better. I was seeing results. Now it's really rough because I have had to spend this week recovering from an injury. I believe that I am fine and that Monday when I start working out again, I'll be fine, but I am also PISSED. Normally I can't make myself workout. Then I make myself workout a lot and hard and I over-exert my left side oblique. It makes me very angry. The devil is a punk.
On top of that, I am an emotional eater. I think I have mentioned that before. It is so out of control. I honestly believe some days that ice cream or french fries or pop will solve the problem. It's insane. So I have definitely been eating my anger this week. I don't think I'm even going to look at the scale until Wednesday or so.

I have written some here and there. I read at the open mic on Tuesday night. I booked a show for Nov. 1st and another for Nov. 30th so that's pretty dope. I have a lot of rehearsing I need to do. I'm getting into the church arts scene which is great because that's where the anointing is. It is also scary because if you know my work, it is more real than it is holy. But that's why I'm writing new pieces.
My book is not THAT much closer to being published. It is a little. But not really. I'm searching anew for motivation for it. I'm finding it in the memories of how unaccomplished I feel. I have to finally do something.

I am so swamped with the aforementioned things and giving grad school just a teensy bit of energy that I am not at all a good business woman. I'm supposed to be building bridges for others and really I'm dangling over the edge of a cliff myself.

I'm listening to this song by Mary Mary "Can't Give Up Now" on repeat. The album is from 2000. I feel like this was one of my don't-kill-yourself songs in junior high.  It's great because it doesn't gloss over anything - the way I am guilty of. It doesn't sugarcoat.  It accepts responsibility and gives hope.  But the hope isn't some shiny thing made from far away dreams and infinite possibility. The hope is grounded only in the unflinching character of God.

"There will be mountains that I will have to climb
And there will be battles that I will have to fight
But victory or defeat, it's up to me to decide
But how can I expect to win If I never try.

I just can't give up now
I've come too far from where I started from
Nobody told me the road would be easy
And I don't believe he brought me this far to leave me

Never said there wouldn't be trials
Never said I wouldn't fall
Never said that everything would go the way I want it to go
But when my back is against the wall
And i feel all hope is gone,
I'll just lift my head up to the sky
And say help me to be strong

I just can't give up now
I've come too far from where I started from
Nobody told me the road would be easy
And I don't believe he brought me this far to leave me

If it were up to me, I'd give up. If it was just me fighting, I'd give up. But...at the end of it all...even though I'm limping and broken and a little beaten...I can't believe He's brought me this far to leave me. He's too good of a God for that. He has shown His loving kindness to me too many times for that. He never wastes a hurt. His ways are higher. He must have something on the other side. I trust Him not to be leading me astray. After everything else we've been through, after all the other times He's pulled me higher and made me stronger, as far away as some of my older trials look now...I have to believe that He is just taking me higher. He's making me like gold purified in the flames. I can't quit on His process.  He's been too good for that. 

Progress - video

Watch this 5-minute video for health  updates.

YAY 5 pounds!!

Let's Get Started

It's Monday, Sept. 9! Go weigh and measure yourself and sign up at myfitnesspal.com. Send an email to LW4PC@outlook.com and check out my cousin's blog for all the info.

If you want to see my thoughts and feelings on the process, look at najjustiz.tumblr.com . I'm not going to post them here.

If you have 10 mins, watch this video. If not, just do the steps I said above. This video is from last week, but don't be alarmed by the date. Just watch and join us!

Mistakes: Sept. 9 to Dec 30 is 15 weeks - two weeks longer than Shaklee's Turnaround program. Also, the metabolic boosting supplement is taken thrice daily, not once.

NOTE: You can - and I would love you to - join this challenge even without buying any product. But if you want product, I have some! And it's what I'm using.

Countdown to the New Year

Please pause for a break in our regularly scheduled programming.

I am not done with the identity series. I still want to tell you about womanhood and being a writer. Unfortunately I need to first tell you about race and "the N word"...BUT before all that.....

If there was one more thing I wanted to do by the end of the year, it would be lose several pounds. I know I talk about health on here a lot, and you're probably like: "why doesn't she get it together already?" But I am trying. I am a busy busy woman.

But thanks to my sweet cousin Autumn, over at My Fat 2 Fit Life, I am ready to go full speed ahead. And I think you should join me. Check out this video.

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Please let me know.

Identity: Teacher

Here's another video. I basically just ramble about being a teacher and what the first almost week was like.


 I will film an update this week, because it took me way too many days to edit this.

Note: I love the Teach So Hard movement and following other teachers on social networks. It's nice to have support.

Things are good still.
I'm taking this week away from TV and movies to pray more and get my schedule worked out. (I'm gonna have to ask my cousin to DVR Graceland.) Grad school starts this week too. I'm behind on everything. This past week was a sleepy, not totally productive week. Better this upcoming week, I know!

It's REALLY Almost My Birthday This Time

Third Amendment:

Well, friends, on Thursday, August 1, I will be 25 years old!  That's right: a whole quarter of my life has passed.  I would be incredibly sad if I didn't know that I still have three quarters left, and if I was not completely convinced that the next years are the best years.  

(If you hate reading, skip this paragraph.  It is very interesting, but the info is not mandatory.)
This summer has been nuts.  I spent the first half scrambling to get my teaching certificate "in time" to get a job offer.  I then spent three weeks preparing lesson plans for ninth graders at the school where I subbed all last semester.  I finished the first month's plans on July 17.  Then, on July 19, I got a phone call from "my" principal saying the district had made cuts and I would not be able to work at that school.  I was pretty freaked out considering teacher in-service was set to start in less than two weeks (in OKC's district).  But my faith was bigger than my fear (even though my fear was a good size).  I applied to three schools in three surrounding districts (for crying out loud, why are there SO MANY districts?) and was ready to beat the streets finding a job.  I wanted to work in OKC but had reason to believe there were no English Language Arts (ELA) positions open.  Monday I called my old high school (that would have been fun, I think).  Tuesday in the midst of some other chaos (see later video blogs), I got an email from an OKC school asking if I wanted to interview.  Thursday morning I went in to a school three times the size of the one I was at last semester.  68% Latino (que bueno!) with updated facilities and technology.  The interview went well.  Not so well that I would refuse an interview from a top school in the 'burbs, when they called sounding desperate two hours later and wanting a same-day interview.  Shortly after that second interview, where I was very "candid" (read "ballsy") about my bent toward OKC's district, I got a call with the offer from my future employer.  I thought about it a few minutes.  Who doesn't want to work at one of the best schools in the metro (if not the state)?  This girl.  That school will find someone else, someone who is excited to teach their kids.  I am excited to teach the kids who really need good teachers, and to keep them from having to deal with a sub for the first few weeks of school, and to learn their (our) language, and to meet their families, and to watch them become all they can be. 

So, as I approach this momentous hallmark of adulthood - getting my first ever full-time (and some), salaried job with benefits, I think about what I want for my birthday.  It might be fun to have a huge dinner party where we all get dressed up and get to eat and drink and be merry.  But I find myself not really wishing for anything except the opportunity to be spiritually, mentally, physically, and emotionally prepared to give these kids my whole life - for a year or five or twenty or more (not counting breaks).  This has been a hard transition.  I'll work at the library until Tuesday night.  Teacher in-service technically begins Wednesday, July 31 but I am reporting for professional development Monday and Tuesday (7/29-30).  Classes begin Monday, August 5.  I don't know what grades or specific classes I'm teaching, my last half-check from the library system will be August 8, and I still have regular bills.  If I didn't walk with God I'd be so stressed out, I wouldn't be able to function.  Knowing God really does let you know peace.  Yet and still, when I think about birthday presents and parties and celebrations, my next thought is how sad I'll be if I have to wait until August 31 (my first teacher check) to buy what I need for this huge life transition.  Yes, I have a bright and brilliant personality, but the first 20 days of school will be much more manageable with the right number of dry erase markers, poster board, connector cord from my laptop to the smartboard (Mac user problems), colored sharpies, extra paper, pens, pencils, folders, binders, and things my students might forget or be unable to afford.  I'll need index cards, dividers, paper towels, Kleenex (because those are not provided and I personally hate drying my nose on toilet paper). And of course, prize candy, because sometimes you just can't motivate a teenager any other way.  I need to make an eye appointment and get new glasses.  My new school is 30 minutes from my house instead of around the corner like the old school was.  I'm trying my best to be healthy and drink Shaklee's energizing tea or use our chews instead of drinking coffee or energy drinks.  And I think adding yoga into my routine will help keep the health up and the stress down.  But everything costs money I don't have.

So here's what I'm asking: if I told you I was throwing a huge 25th birthday soirée at a restaurant of my choosing (probably the Cheesecake Factory), would you come?  And if you came, how much money would you spend on dinner?  It would bless my heart to no end if you would give that amount in cash, check, or via PayPal on the Internet into my keeping so that I can spend it on starting this school year right.  I would love to gorge myself on cheesecake and sangria swirls, but my health and productivity are the kids' effective lessons and progress.  They come first.  Make a choice, make a change, make a difference.  Send me an e-card or hand-written one, and tell me how much you love me and how much you're praying for me and these kiddos, and then wrap your head around this: I believe that God will richly bless you if you choose to give into their lives through me.  You would be sowing a seed into the Kingdom.  Pay it forward past me to them.  Please.  Contact me in the comments, via email, or on Facebook or Twitter for my mailing address if you need it.  If you're using the PayPal method, just click the "donate" link to the right and follow the instructions.  When you do that, if you are then curious what HEAR OKC is click here.

In addition to your monetary donation to the dream, please include a mailing address and something that you would like me to support you in, stand with you on, or pray for you about.  A wise man (my pastor) told me to give out of my abundance, and I have been abundantly blessed with insight and the ability to encourage and intercede.  Give me a chance to use it for you.

P.S. I promise not to buy new clothes or new shoes, not get my hair dyed, not get a manicure or pedicure.  All of your money will go straight into the "Najah as a healthy, not-stressed teacher" fund unless you specify otherwise. 

P.P.S. Why cash, check, or PayPal rather than gift cards? Because there are things I will need other than what I listed above.  I might need a stool to sit on at the podium.  I might feel the need to paint my podium.  I might want to use material instead of paper borders.  I have to buy lunch at school everyday.  Who knows what stores I will find my materials at, or what kind of deals I’ll be able to make.  I don’t want to be limited to Target, Wal-Mart and Staples.  Also because you can just give me two dollars, if that’s what you feel led to give.  

P.P.P.S.  If you are not able to give anything, I totally understand.  If you are one of my Leo friends and I am not getting you a present because I have no extra income, I totally understand (and apologize)!  Please, at the very least write a little note and give me some encouraging thoughts and words as I prepare for one of the biggest changes in my life AND tell me what I can pray for you about.  I will most likely keep the best of these notes with me at school to encourage me when the kids are acting like knuckle-heads or when my lesson plan flops. 

Thank you a million times in advance (and expect a thank-you card)!! I love you!

Writer, Bridge Builder

I apologize for the long delay between posts. And for picking it back up on a Friday when people aren't really online that much.

I had opened a discussion about identity.  Who do you identify as?
Today I'm going to discuss the aspect of my identity that is a writer, and why.

"Write what disturbs you, what you fear, what you have not been willing to speak about. Be willing to be split open." - Natalie Goldberg, Writing Down the Bones: Freeing the Writer Within

Why write what's disturbing and scary? Sometimes so I can get it out of myself. Sometimes what we are silent about settles in our bodies and festers creating not only unhappiness, but sickness. Sometimes you have to split open and empty out before you can begin to heal.

"Writing is thinking. To write well is to think clearly. That’s why it’s so hard." - David McCullough

Many people say I over-think. My rebuttal is that it's because I'm a writer.  When I don't export my thoughts onto the page, they run circles in my head and it makes conversations with friends a little confusing.  That's part of the reason for this blog.
Also, I believe that the thoughts I have are probably similar to the thoughts some other young women have.  So if I can think clearly about a topic and write about it, maybe I can help someone else think clearer.

"There are books of the same chemical composition as dynamite. The only difference is that a piece of dynamite explodes once, whereas a book explodes a thousand times." - Yevgeny Zamyatin, A Soviet Heretic: Essays by Yevgeny Zamyatin

I want to explode someone's thinking about love, about why we live our lives, about God, about religion, about America, about beauty.  I want someone to read a book of mine and have their whole thought process changed. 

 
I want to help you get from here to there, from please to thank you, from amen (so let it be) to there it is.  Wherever you are in life right now, no matter how great or terrible, there is a better place. I want to help you get there.  For me, writing (and to a vaguely lesser degree, performing and speaking or preaching) is how I show people the bridge from where you are to where you want to be.  A blog post, a poem, a story, a book can be your bridge. 

That's why I teach high school, to help kids get from childhood to adulthood. 
That's why I teach reading/English/language arts, because if there is nothing else available, there will always be a public library with Bibles, books and periodicals to help you build your bridge.
That's why I write, to move people from one emotional or intellectual place to the next.
That's why I perform, to draw out people's feelings and inspire them to take the next step.
This is my heart, my calling, my ministry.

Health and finances are my personal areas of struggle where I needed someone or something to help me build my own bridge, and help me walk across it.  I am embarking on a journey to tackle both of those areas of opportunity at once. When I get to the other side, I can tell my story.  I need to be healthier so I can live a long life telling and retelling the story, helping people build.  I need to be more financially stable so that I have freedom to travel and give into the ministry and Kingdom.

I'm trying to get like my friend Jabee: "Build a bridge and get over it. I went from never leaving home to flying over it."