Beauty Heals Broken Hearts

In my last post (skip the video and the book review) I talked about how God's desire is for us to behave in a way that attracts people to His goodness.  That should trump any beauty regiment or product sales.

On May 3, LifeChurch.tv did baptisms. I stood in the sanctuary and jumped and danced and lifted my arms in worship, and cried and cried and cried.  I had an ecclesiastical epiphany.  I knew on a deep level that everything in the world: every task, every product, every relationship is utterly meaningless until someone's life is changed in a way that leads them to the cross of Christ and the realization that those who find God find the life for which we were created.

"And the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace."

That afternoon, I posted this status to Facebook:

"I've never posted anything like this before. But it feels right, so I'm gonna go with that. 

My spirit just said "You are going to feel like your life is in shambles (with brief, sporadic spots of hope and peace) until you have allowed the Lord to create a full-time ministry through you."

So. There it is. Anyone who knows about ministry jobs, or who wants to pay my bills so I can quit my job, hit me up."

10 people were so gracious as to respond thoughtfully and compassionately.  The prayer team at LifeChurch gave me a ton of support.  I had two really meaningful and important conversations with women of God who I have always looked up to.

In six weeks, I have learned two indescribably important lessons:

1. God speaks clearly. Always. 
• Problems arise when we are not properly positioned to hear and understand what He is saying.  I was moved by God's love for us, by His investment in returning us to our place of ruling the earth as extensions of Him.  I was also overwhelmed and disappointed at school. I was in pain that I was trying to rationalize away.  I was guilty of not allowing Him to be my strength and my joy and my help. That last statement about ministry jobs was my flesh denying God's ability and willingness to redeem my current and past ministry roles and callings.  There's an old LifeChurch sermon about how when some people landscape, they do it slowly section-by-section. Others raze the whole property and start over from scratch.  You can guess which category I'm in.
2. You can often discern God's voice because He is telling you what you don't want to hear (but what lines up with His word and what is right). 
• At the beginning of last school year, the Lord provided me with Bible verses to guide me, as well as a prayer team that supported me and gave me words of wisdom.  A guiding scripture for my teaching career has always been "those the Lord calls he also equips." But I was not letting Him equip me. I was not utilizing prayers and the anointing, or group accountability to do the job the Lord had assigned me.  Some of the pain was to purify me and some was self-inflicted.  God did not want to abandon His process by validating my weakness and lack of trust.  I am a teacher.  At least for now. 

The Lord was very clear when He spoke to me. "...until you have allowed the Lord to create a full-time ministry through you."  What He did not say was "...until you quit teaching." What He did not say was "...until you work at a church or in the mission field." He told me to allow Him to lead and to allow Him to hold the paintbrush.

Teaching is a ministry, I just have to be willing to serve.

But I also was placed in the path of a servant who loves the Lord and wants to free His daughters from sexual abuse and slavery.  I was so inspired by his compassion and simplicity (sometimes it's simple - if not easy: find safe houses, rescue women and girls) and determination (to put a permanent end to sex trafficking worldwide).  His project, Broken Hearts, is in the very beginning stages, but he planted a seed in me and I know will continue to do so for others.

Through a conversation with my sweet friend Ericka, a makeup artist and manager for MAC, about her passion for the company's philanthropy, I was reminded about Younique's dedication to domestic violence awareness (DVA) and support for victims.  This is not my first time working for DVA.  For three years of college, my sorority made a large effort to promote awareness.

I also remembered that my friend Maria has transitioned her mission to save souls in Haiti to include helping Haitian women rise up from their discrimination and high rate of violent and sexual victimization and empower them to create better lives for themselves and their children.  Her Jasper House will open this year.

In the USA, Christians spend a lot of time talking about how women hurt themselves by the relationships they choose, clothes they wear, friends they model.  We talk about our petty and catty tendencies.  We talk about working versus nurturing our family and about church leadership or back-row seats.  But we ignore the enemy's darker and more violent attack on our femininity and our ability to see, embody, maintain, and exude the beauty God had in mind for us from the beginning.  We don't talk about violence and sexual assault.

And we definitely don't ask ourselves enough if we can help.

In September, it will be a year since I focused my creative energies around three words: Truth. Beauty. Inspiration. Through my recent revelations and the lens through which I now see so many things (advertising, pornography, the premature and exaggerated sexualization of young women), I will be narrowing that focus down even further.

The Truth is Yeshua, the Messiah, the Savior, the soon returning and reigning King. "Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to [humans] by which we must be saved" (Acts 4:12). He is also the Word, our logos - the reason we do anything (John 14).

Beauty is everywhere and IN EVERY ONE OF US, especially women of God.

We are called to use that beauty to Inspire others towards the greatness inside them, whether our husbands, our students, our best friends, our church family or the world.

I am working on a plan and system by which I dedicate my Younique sales, book sales, and performance payments first, to paying off my credit cards so that I can reallocate my salary toward an apartment and then house of my own so that I can be hospitable to others. Secondly, and more importantly, to donate and undergird the missions of Broken Hearts and the Jasper House.

Until (and even after) I have generated the funds to be able to allocate and reallocate them, my makeup photos will take on a more focused connection to the beauty in us already and the healing and empowerment God desires for us.

This post is plenty long enough, but there will be more and more and more on this topic in the future. Thank you to my Bold, Brave and Pretty sisters who helped me get here!

What can you do to help?
Buy makeup!
Buy my poetry book! Contact me for instructions.
Pray for me!

#TrueBeautyInspires

Brokenness Over Belligerence

"She only cusses when she's angry and she only gets angry at the right things." - me about myself on 9-3 after doing a bit too much research into educational malpractice.

There's a song by Matthew West called "My Own Little World." When I hear it on K-Love or read through the lyrics, I see privilege (many people of color would call it "white privilege" although it's more about money than race). But I also see a man who knows he is operating from a place of privilege and wants to change it.  He sings, "break my heart for what breaks Yours," and I know that the heart of God is broken by needless and senseless violence, death, greed, poverty, depression, bullying, the abandonment and abortion of children, inequities in education and opportunity.  All of that breaks the heart of God. I know it and so does Matthew West. 

#BlackLivesMatter

I also know that, by God's standard, hatred is never ever appropriate.  I recently learned through a pastor that, by God's standard, apathy is not appropriate either.  So I can't hate the guy who doesn't give a flying fig about education equity.  He's not all bad anyway. I can't hate the people on my timeline who care more about property damage than the loss of a life, hundreds of black lives. Those people are not all bad. They are teachers and church organizers and in general they are sweet.

It's so much easier to be angry than to be hurt.

If I could have, rather than sitting with my friends and cussing about the injustice of adults of who mistreat or inadvertently screw up the futures of children, I would have cried.  For me, anger is almost never anger at its root; it is either fear or grief.

The appropriate thing to do when you're afraid - if you're a Christian and you walk in the authority you share with Christ - is to fight off the devil and his schemes (usually through intercessory prayer and declaration of the Word).  God did not give us a spirit of fear.  So comforting ourselves with our anger is actually akin to cowardice.  Because we are afraid to fight, we are going to let the devil win and simply throw a little tantrum to keep up appearances.

The appropriate thing to do when you feel grief is to cry - especially if you're a woman.  I once picked up a book that I wanted so badly to read.  It is If You Have to Cry, Go Outside by Kelly Cutrone.  I was inspired by her bravery and her determination and her ability to remain professional no matter what.  But I know now, the Lord would not give me the stamina to read that book because that is not a concept I need further internalized in my life.

Sometimes our hearts get broken and when that happens, there is no better reaction that to release the pain and anger.  Too many times we mask our grief as aggression and our fear as anger.

Remember that there is a blessing in the storm.  Remember that the Lord has not brought you into the desert to leave you to dehydrate and die.  Remember that He works all things together for our good. 

#iLoveBrokenness 

Despite the Light of That Same Star...

This post is maybe a month too long overdue.

If you follow me on Facebook or Twitter or Tumblr, you know that I am mad as hell about all of the young black people, and especially black men, who have died, especially at the hands of police officers, in recent months and years. If you've been following me, you know I think the United States's justice system and police departments need an intense overhaul. However, you might not know, unless you know me really well, that I have not considered myself to be solely under the jurisdiction of the United States for some years now. I believe I'm a citizen of the kingdom of God and I give to Caesar what is Caesar's and to God what is God's (Matthew 22:21 and Mark 12:17). If you heard my poems either at Purple Martini or Ice Event Center the last couple of weeks, you've heard how my previous self and my current self are a bit at war with each other. If you're my sweet half white and half boricua Haitian missionary friend, you know that I don't hate white people. I am blood related to two really adorable, sweet three-fourths white babies and I love their mama to pieces.  But it is sometimes hard to love people who abuse their privilege, specifically white people.  If you're my Favorite or a friend we met at a political leadership conference, you know that #blacklivesmatter isn't just about politics; it's about relationships - especially when you are/look white.

  


But if you're anyone else who has not had a personal conversation with me about these events and our reactions you might be thinking I'm a reverse racist. You might be angry at my audacity to stand up for all black lives, even those of petty thieves, even at the risk of police officers lives because police are supposed to protect and serve the community. If you are any number of dozens or hundreds of white people who I have gone to church with, held hands with, prayed with, and gotten closer to the Lord with over the last 20 years, you might be thinking I've completely lost my faith.
The good news is: I haven't lost my faith. The bad news is: God and I have yet to come to a conclusion about how to appropriately handle racism in America today. You're going to want to talk to me about submission and how God and I don't have to come to a conclusion about anything because He's in charge. In response, I'm only going to say you don't know the way our relationship works. You're going to want to tell me to turn the other cheek and to love them anyway, because after all they nailed Jesus on the cross. In response, I'm going to say Dr. Martin Luther King a reverend who was martyred didn't just turn the other cheek.  And I have yet to loot or burn or physically harm anyone in my anger (like a small minority of protestors in Ferguson did). That's probably the best you're going to get for now.

I have been steadily distancing myself from all American social norms that are not based in truth and justice.  This includes nearly all American politics, and the American church's semi-allegiance to a blond-haired, blue-eyed guy named Jesus instead of a Hebrew carpenter named Yeshua and the God he represented, Yahweh.  Boycotting and awareness are nasty business.  Not fun.  They don't help you make friends.  But I can't stand idly by and watch the world burn without doing or saying anything. The Yeshua who tossed temple tables and was crucified for his stance against the theocracy (religious politics) of his day didn't just stand by and watch.

But to the point of this post...
I went to church last weekend at LifeChurch.tv not IVVC (an elaboration which I will not now or ever make in blog format). Pastor Craig is in a series about worship which is quite meaningful to me personally, considering I have left and joined, left and joined 3 churches on the premises of worship for the last 8 years or more. This past week he chose to discuss of all things tithes and offerings. I have been a diligent tither for a very long time because Pastor Charles (IVVC) is an excellent tithes preacher. I have learned thoroughly that the members of the Kingdom of God benefit from operating on the kingdom's system of "seed + time = harvest."  If you've been following me since last March you've seen me post two or three times about financial blessings that came from seeds sown into the kingdom.  But I am not really ashamed to say I was not happy to hear Pastor Craig speak on this topic this past weekend.  I currently don't really consider anywhere my church home, and have not tithed for the last two or three paychecks.  From my seat, I passively resisted his sermon and without a happy heart gave my six dollar tithe on my earnings from my last poetry show.

This post is about how despite all the turmoil in the world, despite the fact that I'm boycotting Christmas, despite the fact that every thing is fraught with tension and hardship, and that it has even been a rough week at school, God doesn't break promises. I sat in the service and thought: "These tithes aren't doing anything for me! When I was paying them I wasn't moving any further out of debt!" But, for you atheists out there, for my social justice friends who are more on my side now that I'm mad at the Man and who avoided my newsfeed last March when I was all "Jesus this, and God's promises that," for my American Christian friends who have a nativity scene on the mantle where Santa is bowing to Baby Jesus, this is for you.

I was on the phone with one of my five credit card companies a couple of weeks ago, because I realized they were still charging me for a service I had asked of them to turn off. Paying for that service usually meant I was only paying $10 or $20 on my bill every month. They offered then and confirmed this week that not only would they cancel the service but they would refund me all the money I've paid for the service since I've had the card. The refund will be in the amount of $600. That is more than half the balance on my card.

I know you want to say "they're just making up for their mistake," but that's not what this is. Credit card companies want to take your money not give it back.  Despite the way it looks to me, despite my anger on Saturday, despite my resistance, my participation in God's system and my lack of trust in the world's system has now translated to a bill that's paid down farther than I would've been able to pay it.

Despite the fact that I don't really know what church I go to - although I will be paying my tithes at Life Church, despite the fact that I probably have not been anywhere near as loving through this social unrest as God would have wanted me to be, despite some of my personal downfalls that I have yet to overcome even though I know where the power lies, God does not renege on his system or his promises.  He is a better steward of our finances then we are, and definitely a better steward than this world is.  God doesn't throw a tantrum and stop being who He is just because we have forgotten who we are, or because we feel the need to become someone new.  I don't have a denomination.  I'm not celebrating Christmas.  I am opting further and further out of a political system, social system, cultural system that only contracts to protect and provide for certain people.  I am tuning my ear and my heart to a God with a system that never ever fails no matter who you are or what you look like.

In case you're wondering - God's system has very specific rules and boundaries because it has extravagant rewards and benefits. He gives mercy and grace to those who need it and requires much from those to whom much has been given.  The "buy-in" to the system, the pledge of allegiance if you will, is not a fancy indoctrinated prayer, but a willingness to trade your way for His.  He asks for a lot.  His system works best for those who give Him everything.  That is a very tall order, but true protection, true peace, true fulfillment have no other source.  I am not a Christian because it's cool, or because America is a Christian nation (it is not), or because a church told me to be.  I try to follow in the footsteps of Yeshua because in him and because of Yahweh who sent him is the only salvation.  It's not about heaven and hell; it's about how to make it through life.

"These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.” - John 16:33

(title is a muddling of the lyrics to the second verse of "The First Noel")
(side note: Those of you who refuse to tithe, because you don't want to give your money to the church, I get it. But tithing is not a pact with the church; it's a pact with God. Connect with Him, not just with His representatives who sometimes misrepresent Him)