There's Some Hard Times in the Neighborhood

(I came to the realization this week that a lot of people read and I don't know they read. Subconsciously I probably knew that,  but I had never reall thought about it. So thanks.)
If you've been watching lately, you may have notived that my posts fluctuate between brilliant and intellectual and angry or defeatist. That's a pretty accurate assessment of the current state of my psyche.

My fingernails and cuticles have major evidence of nervous biting. My skin is broken out. I pick fights with people because it's much easier to argue than to be unengaged. I'm either wayyy more put together than it's necessary to be, or I look like I fell out of bed without looking in the mirror.
The part that you may not know is that along with my moods comes a general dissatisfaction. I'm either really missing the past or I want to lay down and go to sleep and wake up in the future.

There are degrees and poems and competitions and books and good essays and fancy titles and legislation in my future (Thank GOD)...but for all I know that future is 5 years away. I don't like to think about the distant future when tomorrow scares the sh*t out of me.

In my past, along with the stupid things I did and mean people I knew there are a ton of missed opportunities. If I hadn't been so wrapped up in experiencing OCU college life, I could have had a good, well-paying, cushy office job for a year. Instead, I only had said job for 5 months. When I was 18 cheerleading, being in a sorority, working for the college newspaper, and sleeping in were more important than money. I was either stupid and childish, or blindly idealistic. I could have had a hard, taxing job that paid enough and got me a lot of attention and notoriety from summer 2007 until graduation. Instead I only had that job for 4 months. When I was 18, being an officer in my sorority and being on Panhellenic and having time to do nothing in my dorm room was more important that the future I could have had in journalism.  I think at that point my fault was a lack of focus. I didn't know what I wanted, so I didn't know how to get it. I could have had a relatively easy job doing soft sales and hanging out with cute kids and their neurotic parents from summer 2007 to the present. I did work that job for over a year. But then sorority and student government and free time were more important. 

Are you bored with my list yet?

My point is, back when I had all the opportunity and none of the focus, I had my choice of jobs to help pay the bills. I had three jobs at one point. No time, but plenty of money. Now that I have focus, I have no opportunity.

I'm not saying money is the most important thing. But I'm saying everything is easier with money.

I don't really know what to do. I'm technically employed at two different locations. But Chili's took me off the schedule for some reason unbeknownst to me, and I'm 96% sure Aldo is about to cut my hours wayy back (not that I was getting a lot anyway).  Part of me doesn't want to look for a new job because I'm spending three days in Texas over Thanksgiving, I want to take an intercession class, and my bestie's getting married over New Year's. But the other part of me is in constant freak-out mode because at this rate, I'm not going to be able to afford the gas money or hotel fare for the wedding road trip that's already been completely planned. Hm.

My mom thinks I should skip intercession class so that I can work pretty constantly from December 7 to December 28 and from Jan 3 through summer 2010 (my next semester schedule is WIDE open - thank  GOD for online classes)...and that might be a smart choice. But I want to graduate, damn it! I'm already a year late. I'm not particularly interested in being later.
Then I thought about it. Would I rather be poor and not get to do anything but make sure I'm done in May of 2011, or should I find a good job that pays and maybe cut back on the hours? I took 17 this semester and am in enrolled in 17 for next semester. I only need 12 to be a full-time student. But taking my time with this degree just wasn't part of the plan.

They say pray about it.
I have, I am. This is prayer. There's a prayer being prayed in a foreign language in my head. Last night's tears were prayers. Now I want some answers.

:: deep sigh ::

trapped by now - original poem

right now i feel trapped
by my skin,
my body type,
my hair texture, this depression,
trapped by smiles that don't last,
by my voice,
and the personality i can't get past.
the mind's eyes view of me is
fit, toned;
natural;
cultured;
and happy.

but right now,
i'm trapped by society's image of a belligerent black girl
in a cookie-cutter upper-class world.
i know that inside her is an intelligent, strong, courageous african (and panamanian) queen.

but right now,
i'm trapped under a layer of fat that sugar keeps tricking me into indulging.
when i run, i know there's an athlete in here waiting to be set free.
someday all will see what's trapped inside of me,

but for now,
i'm trapped in the house when it rains; i avoid humidity
when others have proven that hair can testify to the life i am working to achieve.
time and money are gifts given to those who will use them wisely,
and there isn't enough of either to fit straighteners and salon stylists into the routine.

right now,
i'm trapped by all the things i'm not supposed to say.
i feel guarded when i should be able to use words to stimulate faith.
i know my voice has value when i use it the right way.

but right now,
i'm trapped by the desire to be someone you will understand,
trapped by standards with which i wish to comply but can't.
and yet i know the uncommon are the ones chosen to make a stand.

i'm trapped by now.

i am a snake ready to shed dead skin,
a butterfly hat has yet to crack open her cocoon.
i am change waiting for the brave to usher me in,
and a land that longs for daytime while staring at the moon.
i am a pregnant woman in her third trimester, ready to be free,
but knowing she'd better wait
if she wants to give birth to something better than now.

dawn is breaking.
people are learning.
hearts are awakening.
heads are turning.
some are being born
while others are re-creating.
i see it coming!
the future is tired of waiting.
the first battle is over
and victory is so close there's no more anticipating freedom!

we're trapped by now,
but with each breath we take, now becomes then,
and the trap gets further and further away.
one day we'll wake up in the future
and have our God to thank for getting us out of the now.

Where Life Takes You

My best friend and I were just having a conversation about the future.
Here's how part of it went:
Me: "When I said I wanted to teach, someone said, 'You should try to get on at a private school'."
Insert Jen's disgusted face.
Me: "Oh I know! I said, 'Hell no!' I want the poor, dirty, grungy, gang-bangin' kids that no one believes in. Someone else can have the spoiled rich kids."

We are both juniors who won't be done with school in a year.

She started as a dance performance major here at OCU and did that til midway through sophomore year. She decided that she wanted to try something else. So at the end of that year she went back to Kansas and she goes to Emporia State as a math education major. Then she wants to do graduate work so she can teach science.

I started as a journalism major with no idea what I wanted. Then, as a sophomore, I switched to English because I'm not a news hound but thought I'd still be in publications. I wanted to be Miranda Priestly (fictional character who is the equivalent of Anna Wintour the editor-in-chief of Vogue). Not until about two weeks ago, did I discover that what will really fulfill me is teaching kids to love what I love, or at least teaching them to do it right.

My next dilemma was/is whether to stay in Oklahoma and get my 2nd degree and teaching license here or move somewhere else to do it. Teaching is a more flexible field. Everyone needs teachers. So Jen and I were discussing it.

I asked, "Do I really want to stay here by myself to fight the good fight?"
Jen said no. I woud get drained and tired. I need a support system. "You don't want to go to school and fight for kids that no one else is fighting for, and then come home to an empty apartment with no friends, no husband, and no cat."

She's right. So I'm looking into the University of Kansas which is only about an hour from her. We'll see what happens.

It's sad to say that my mom and my grandparents and my cousins aren't support enough. But Jen brought up another good point. I need unconditional support from people who won't judge me if I decide not to practice Christianity. I love my family, but that's a block they don't get past. That's a block a lot of people don't get past.

"You need to get out of the Bible Belt where non-Christianity is always a deal-breaker."

And I need people my own age. I need my BFF and maybe a man.

It's interesting where life takes you.

National Debt?

OK, this post has a disclaimer:

I am not an expert, or even an educated observer on the topic of money in general and national money more specifically.
Also, I am a big fan/supporter of President Obama, but I that doesn't keep me from being open and willing to hear a well-formed argument that he's doing something wrong.
Lastly, I highly encourage, even solicit debate on this topic or any other that I blog about.

Now...
As a junior in college who has only taken one course in politics and that was freshman year where I regularly fell asleep in class, I will admit there is a lot I don't know about "the way things are" in America today. But I seem to remember reading in a text book somewhere that the national debt has been steadily rising, never falling, since forever (or maybe since FDR's Reconstruction or something). If this is true, isn't it a little silly of the critics to be freaking out because the President's new economic plan is going to increase the national debt by $2.3 trillion more than they anticipated?

On the flip side of the same argument, what must America do to make more progress toward capping the national debt, or paying it off (who'd have thought)? Is this impossible? Something tells me that it's not because if it were, we wouldn't spend so much time talking about it. It's just harder than people want to work for an abstract number in the sky.

Does anyone have any insight on this? Please share.