Placing Myself - in the Intersection or dying by the Roadside

Bear with me, this post might be tedious.

Yesterday I wrote the beginnings of a whiny poem in my other blog after talking to Jen and thinking I was ready to man-up and finish this semester. Today I journaled about how angsty I'm feeling. I talked myself out of quitting school by remembering that I don't want to work retail forever. It's okay in your early twenties, but after that it doesn't make sense. I need to at least graduate by 23 (that gives me an extra year to mess with).

I started following a fellow young poet's new blog and remembered the days when my blog used to be happy and insightful, or at least insightful. So I went back and looked at old posts of mine.

The most recent insightful post was October 29th. I wrote about living in the "I am" rather than the "will be." And I found a way to be comfortable with who I am. I tried that approach last night and it did not work. I absolutely hate who I am, because who I am has no intrinsic value. I am just a shell waiting to give birth to what will be.
October 11th was both insightful and optimistic. I had an idea of what I wanted and how to get there. Sadly, that "how" burnt itself out as the time passed.
September 25th was a good one. But the thing that makes it different and maybe vaguely irrelevant is that I used a principle found in a book that my friend Kendal thinks I should throw out. If you've read very much of my stuff, you've seen me reference this book time and time again: The Lotus Still Blooms by Joan Gattuso. In that post, I quoted her: "What you focus on expands," and said that I was smiling a lot because I focused on grace and possibility. I would argue that the book helped me keep a good outlook.
September 16th had a lot of ideas and plans. I was still optimistic then.
But I think the fact that I have forgotten, or rather completely rejected, what I wrote on September 9th is the reason I stay so upset. In that post, I quoted Rainer Maria Rilke who I internet-researched after reading a couple of chapters in The Lotus Still Blooms. "Try to love the questions themselves, Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now because you would not be able to live them." (Rilke) And then I said,"success is a process, not a product and life is a journey, not a destination." I realized, "My spirit is getting stronger - probably because I am becoming more sensitive to it. Yoga does that. I am in pursuit of Right Mindfulness and Right Concentration. I am in pursuit of the balance between belief (in Christian principles) and understanding (of the innerworkings of the Universe)." Now I'm sure that I have more than one Christian friend, my pastor included, who thinks it's imprudent to let my spirit rest in a text (Lotus) that calls itself the intersection between Buddhism and Christianity, but all I can say is that when I was practicing like a person who lives in that intersection, I was happy and now that I'm trying to be a complete, 100%, no-holds-barred, no teraphim-listening (Zechariah 10:2 in the King James Version) Christian I am back to thoughts of wanting to quit.

The inflexibility of Christianity makes me want to give up. Last night I cried hysterically and told GOD I couldn't do it anymore. Today, I have managed not to cry but I still want to to quit.
To be fair, I was warned about this. Pastor said there would be a time when I wouldn't want to push anymore (using the birth metaphor), but if I stopped that something would die or at least be permanently damaged. The only thing I have right now is a fear of damaging the dream that GOD gave me to give birth to. I want/need that dream to become reality, but I don't know how to make it through the process without referencing The Lotus.

"What the Buddhists teach is a soul science. 'Buddhism promotes understanding, not belief. Christianity promotes belief, not understanding'" (Robert Thurman).  
"'All the effort must be made by you; Buddha only shows the way'" (The Dhammapada)
"Right effort is knowing that the only sacrifice is to give up that which has no reality."
"We all need to engage techniques and formulas that appeal to reason and lead to higher states of awareness."
"For this material to have any true meaning, it must be embraced intellectually, because it is reasonable, psychologically sound, and it just makes sense."

The Five Aggregate Exercises

The Four Immeasurables

The Eight-fold Path

Oh my gosh...Just typing out those things that I've read several times before makes me feel better. The idea of giving up that which has no reality sets lightly on my spirit. It makes sense.

The problem is that Pastor says, and Kendal agrees, that things like that book are teraphim.
Zechariah 10: 2 "For the teraphim have spoken vanity, and the diviners have seen a lie; and they have told false dreams, they comfort in vain: therefore they go their way like sheep, they are afflicted, because there is no shepherd."
Pastor explained teraphim to be evil beings dressed up as angels of light. Idols that take the place of GOD, ideas and thought patterns that subtly counteract the truth.
In the first part of that verse, the instances where I struck words out, the teraphim are obviously the bad guys. The second part, that I underlined and italicized, depicts people being led astray by the teraphim, afflicted because there is no shepherd.

So my confusion/irritation/uncertainty lies in the fact that I take comfort in something, The Lotus Still Blooms, other than Bible. It is sometimes contrary to the Bible and sometimes it quotes the Bible and makes what seem to be perfectly acceptable parallels. My book fits Pastor's description of teraphim and yet I find the following of this particular teraphim easier, better, more constructive than the angst I feel without it.

This is a pretty weighty discussion. I understand if you opt out, but if I tag you on Facebook, please know that it is because I want your scholarly, or faithful, opinion, not because I'm trying to bring you around to my way of thinking.

The Reinvention

My friend Mannie has a poem called "The Reinvention." I will admit that I am likely bastardizing the idea of the poem by using it for my own personal gain, but...oh well. Ideas are for sharing, not for hoarding.

I intend for this to be the summer of my personal reinvention. I've been doing all kinds of subtle changing over the past three years. This year, there have been some significant events that have sped up those changes. In fact, I would say that my life has changed so much so fast that it left my spirit and a bit of my essence in the dirt. So I'm trying to play some catch up and get a head start on forever...since this is my last summer as an unofficial grown-up.

Here are the elements of the reinvention:

1. I am committed to losing 30 pounds.
Progress to this point: 6 pounds.
Other notes: I want to lose 50 pounds by the end of the year.

2. I want to find a spiritual system that works.
Progress to this point: I think I'm started on the right track. The synergy of Christianity (the belief) and Buddhism (the understanding) - see previous blog post. All I really need now is the way. "All the effort must be made by you, Buddha only shows the way." - the Dhammapada
Other notes: It be really awesome to get some feedback and support on this. I am surrounded on all sides by fundamentalist Christians who think I'm going to hell. Ugh.

3. My best friend, Jessica, and I decided that my emotional scars will begin to fade once I come to the realization that I can regain control of my life. This will come from the accomplishment of these goals and from saving money.
Progress to this point: 6 pounds and a job.
Other notes: This is mostly an emotional thing. I want "the serenity of a mind at ease with itself" (Pride and Prejudice).

4. I want to compete in a couple of poetry slams.
Progress to this point: Three poems that are written for the stage and a friend who is pushing me.
Other notes: This is something I've been struggling with for a year now.

5. I want to save my own money to buy a few things by the end of the summer.
Progress to this point: I have one job and have put in a few applications for a second.
Other notes: I got into a bad habit of spending my student loan money on everything I wanted rather than saving up other money to do stuff with.

I am excited about the prospects.
We'll see where I end up.

Synergy

"The lotus symbolizes the gorgeous flower that rises out of the mud of this world. It is a symbol of purity and spontaneous Divine birth." - Joan Gattuso

"Buddhism promotes understanding, not belief. Christianity promotes belief, not understanding." - Dr. Robert Thurman

"Buddhism, I believe, can work in concert with Christianity to create an ever-growing spiritual synergy." - Joan Gattuso

This is what I am aiming for.

I'm going back to Christian church tomorrow morning. Let's see what happens.

----
Quotes from Joan Gattuso's The Lotus Still Blooms

"With the very highest expression of Right View we relinquish our judgments, good or ill, about everything."

"We must learn to always remain calm at our depths."

"With every utterance, a vibration is sent forth...These vibrations, negative or positive, do not dissipate quickly."

Right Action is "being certain that our every action is in accord with our inner essence. It is consistency of being - as within, so without."

"What we focus on expands."

"The only sacrifice is to give up what has no reality."

7/30 - Maybe

I have this odd way of forgetting how to follow my heart.
Once I know what she's asking for,
I quit before I really get the chance to start.
Like I'm scared of how happiness feels,
Afraid to get attached to good because bad has always been more real...
But life makes sense right now.
Pain has left its handprint
but today I think it's beautiful somehow.
On Friday I thought the world might come crashing to an end
But at this moment
I know it's all in Someone's hands.

And maybe that Someone is me.
Maybe it's faith in inner divinity.
Maybe it's the open heart the Buddha showed me how to see.
Maybe it's the knowledge of my wealth as compared to poverty.
Maybe it's the selflessness that Jesus taught me.
In fact, maybe religion is just the deification of poetry.
Maybe now that I have written it
I know I can conceptualize spirituality.
Or maybe today is just the first one in a while
where the stars are aligned for me.