God Don't Like Ugly

No other age group can misdefine, misuse, and wear out a term like teenagers.  The title phrase has been around for scores, but I never used it in my vernacular until my students started arbitrarily calling each other "ugly." If you're playing around and make a weird face, "that's ugly." If you get mad when your friend was "just joking," that's ugly. If your friend doesn't know what other fake insult to throw at you, you're ugly.  If you are legitimately unattractive, you're ugly.

But I quickly noticed that calling people names is ugly. So is coarse joking and rebellion. So is grudge-holding, retaliation, and complaining.

Most days when I put on my makeup and take too many selfies and post them, I use the hashtags #PrettyOnTheInside #PrettyOnTheOutside.  I discovered long ago that I didn't want to have on tons of makeup and the cutest outfit but have a pattern of ugly behavior.  If my natural curls are on fleek but I just finished using my harsh sarcasm on a student, I am out of order.

I realized that so many "pretty girls" are like this.  Their faces are attractive, but they are not gracious, they are not sweet, they are critical, vain and unfriendly.  I've been that way before.

After four years being a part of the IVVC church family, people started telling me I was sweet and welcoming.  This was new to me.  I've always been smart, sometimes supportive, always creative, and direct, but rarely sweet.  I got the Attitude Award in junior high cheer because "when she has a good attitude, she has the best, and when she has a bad attitude, she has the worst."  It took me a long time to figure out what happened at church that made me sweeter.

It was the concentrated, saturated basking and soaking in the presence of God.  It was spending 2 to 10 hours every week in the Holy Place understanding how small and insignificant I am and how great and generous and loving God is.

When you spend time in His presence consistently, you come away radiant, like Moses.

As I scroll through Instagram looking for makeup artists and fashion bloggers to inspire me, I always wonder, "Is she also pretty on the inside?"  As I put my face on every morning, I wonder "Is my personality prettier today than yesterday?"

John and Stasi Eldredge write about the healing and redeeming power of beauty, how it invites and inspires.  I want to be one of those women who can't ever be called ugly, regardless of whether my face is bare or made and whether I'm slaying or keeping it lowkey.

#iLoveBeauty

Streamlining

There comes a moment when all of the voices in your life become too loud.

My rapper friend L.T.Z. has a song with this chorus: “My mom’s friends say ‘Do what makes you happy.’ My pop’s friends say ‘You look just like your daddy.’ My high school friends say, ‘Man, you still rappin’?’ What kind of friend you gon’ be when you look at me?”

We all live under multiple sets of expectations:

• Our parents want us to do certain things – and we are lucky when both parents want the same thing.  
• Our spouses want us to do certain things. 
• Our bosses want us to do certain extracurricular things.  
• Our pastors want us to do certain things.  
• Our fitness trainers
• Our dietitians
• Our neighbors
• Our fellow-PTA members
• Our mentors.   

All the different streams of advice can become overwhelming.

None of these people are trying to hurt us.  In the worst case scenario, they have a misguided understanding of our role in the world and think we need to behave how they say in order to keep the globe on its axis.  They mean well.  They most likely are under the distinct opinion that this course of action will make you happiest.

But when your boss wants you to take on another project that could lead to a promotion, and your husband wants you to spend more one-on-one time with both him and your middle daughter, and your pastor wants you to lead a small group, you have to look at your calendar and the bags under your eyes and understand that not every person’s advice is relevant at this moment.  Something has to yield.
(In my example, it probably seems obvious to choose family, but our choices aren’t always obvious.)

When faced with several opportunities to do something good, which do you pick? When forced to put one thing you love in front of something else you love, which do you pick?

This is when it’s best to respectfully thank all your wise voices for their advice and get on your knees with your Bible open.  Only God can show you which task or relationship needs your attention right now.  Life is about balance and everything has its time and season.  Every person and every task has seasons of yes, no, and wait.

Lao Tzu is credited with saying, “At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want.”

I am guilty of “loving too much,” being interested in and excited by almost anything.  I want to be a teacher whose kids pass their state tests with flying colors and can brilliantly analyze Ayn Rand and Stephenie Meyer and X-Men.  I want to be on the national list of dope poets, listen to all the rap music and a spattering of all other music, and make the leaderboard of Younique cosmetics presenters.  I want to do yoga every damn day, distribute Shaklee health products, coach high school cheer, and rock healthy, huge, natural hair.  I want to co-lead a small group of Christ-followers who are doing everything they can to make earth look like heaven.  And I want to marry a dark-skinned African and have at least three smart, artistic, athletic, loving, well-adjusted kids who function well as a team. And read 50 books in a year (or 25 books every year). And fill out a March Madness bracket as someone who knows which teams are good.  And run a 5k.  And be a weekday vegan who cooks 90% of the meals at home.

Are you starting to see my problem? There’s almost no way in the world to accomplish all these goals at once.  This is a bucket list.  This might be a bucket list and a half, despite the fact that I plan to live to be 100.  And different people from different areas of my life want me to accomplish each of these goals sooner rather than later.

I’m reminded of a scene in the movie Uptown Girls.  Brittany Murphy’s character has a bunch of possessions she claims to love, but she is recently broke and needs the income that selling many of them would bring in.  Her friend tells her she must “streamline. Find your center.” She means: not everything here is truly important to you. Some of it can be “sold” to “pay for” something that is closer to the core of who you are.

Some of us spend too much time underneath others’ words and we have forgotten the strength and intelligence of our highest selves, the selves who are closest to God, who have His words hidden in our hearts.  Some of us have become too invested in things and people that are not essential to us reaching our most important goals.

When confusion comes, take in all the advice, take inventory of all your baggage, then sit down with nothing but the truth and figure out what is truly attached to your core.

#iLoveMyCore

Brokenness Over Belligerence

"She only cusses when she's angry and she only gets angry at the right things." - me about myself on 9-3 after doing a bit too much research into educational malpractice.

There's a song by Matthew West called "My Own Little World." When I hear it on K-Love or read through the lyrics, I see privilege (many people of color would call it "white privilege" although it's more about money than race). But I also see a man who knows he is operating from a place of privilege and wants to change it.  He sings, "break my heart for what breaks Yours," and I know that the heart of God is broken by needless and senseless violence, death, greed, poverty, depression, bullying, the abandonment and abortion of children, inequities in education and opportunity.  All of that breaks the heart of God. I know it and so does Matthew West. 

#BlackLivesMatter

I also know that, by God's standard, hatred is never ever appropriate.  I recently learned through a pastor that, by God's standard, apathy is not appropriate either.  So I can't hate the guy who doesn't give a flying fig about education equity.  He's not all bad anyway. I can't hate the people on my timeline who care more about property damage than the loss of a life, hundreds of black lives. Those people are not all bad. They are teachers and church organizers and in general they are sweet.

It's so much easier to be angry than to be hurt.

If I could have, rather than sitting with my friends and cussing about the injustice of adults of who mistreat or inadvertently screw up the futures of children, I would have cried.  For me, anger is almost never anger at its root; it is either fear or grief.

The appropriate thing to do when you're afraid - if you're a Christian and you walk in the authority you share with Christ - is to fight off the devil and his schemes (usually through intercessory prayer and declaration of the Word).  God did not give us a spirit of fear.  So comforting ourselves with our anger is actually akin to cowardice.  Because we are afraid to fight, we are going to let the devil win and simply throw a little tantrum to keep up appearances.

The appropriate thing to do when you feel grief is to cry - especially if you're a woman.  I once picked up a book that I wanted so badly to read.  It is If You Have to Cry, Go Outside by Kelly Cutrone.  I was inspired by her bravery and her determination and her ability to remain professional no matter what.  But I know now, the Lord would not give me the stamina to read that book because that is not a concept I need further internalized in my life.

Sometimes our hearts get broken and when that happens, there is no better reaction that to release the pain and anger.  Too many times we mask our grief as aggression and our fear as anger.

Remember that there is a blessing in the storm.  Remember that the Lord has not brought you into the desert to leave you to dehydrate and die.  Remember that He works all things together for our good. 

#iLoveBrokenness 

I Hear Voices

Once we start "eating" the right words - the spoken words of God from sources that line up with the written words of God - we have to be able to apply them.  This requires constant devotion to humility.

Humility is admitting that we are incapable of doing it on our own.  Humility is not downplaying your accomplishments, but acknowledging that your talents are God-given and that some of your success is based on favor with people or teaching from people.

We've all heard the old adage that actions speak louder than words. This is basically true. But the more you watch and listen to people, the more you will understand why people act the way they do.  Behavior is a reflection of belief.  I like the phrase I first heard a couple of years ago: "When you know better, you do better" (This quote may be attributed to Oprah).  It follows then that when we consistently, habitually don't do the right thing, it is because we don't know how.

Behaviors are easy to change; beliefs are next to impossible.  So what do we do?

After we acclimate to the understanding that we cannot change the beliefs of our friends and family members, much less strangers, then:   

• We have to spend enough time with ourselves to understand our flaws (the big ones and the small ones).  
• We have to know God well enough to hear Him tell us how to fix them.  

I just re-learned this lesson.  People we love sometimes have struggles we could help them with.  But their behavior is most likely an effect of their belief and only God can change their beliefs. Let's turn that back on ourselves.  None of us are perfect; we all have flaws we have kept well hidden, consciously or unconsciously. No one can change those little idiosyncrasies and attitudes because they are deeply rooted in our beliefs about ourselves and the world around us.

If you've ever struggled with the idea of knowing God, let me give you two tips.

1. If you are at the beginning of your spiritual journey or you're still deciding if Christianity is for you, know this: prayer is not a monologue; it's a dialogue.  A dialogue requires two people talking and two people listening. When you pray (about all things great and small - your car not breaking down, your day running smoothly, your boyfriend forgetting his fears of commitment and taking you ring shopping, your mother's cancer), also listen to what God is saying back.  God is saying something back.

2. If you are past the beginning stages, you've been reading the Bible and going to church and you talk to God on a regular basis, but you're still not sure how to hear directly from God, know this: "God exists within you as you" (Elizabeth Gilbert) and the devil exists outside of you posing as you. There's a reason the visual representations of the Holy Spirit (your conscience) and the devil are small figures that look just like you whispering in your ear the right and wrong things to do.

One of the devil's most effective tricks is to speak negativity to you and deceive you into thinking the negative thoughts originated with you. The devil wants you to think your mind has an abundance of evil in it that you cannot escape.  But he is the liar, the deceiver, the accuser.  

God created you. When you were born, you had more God in you than you had of yourself and your parents.  In fact, the eternal part of you is simply a piece of God.  So when you align yourself with God's teachings, He removes the negativity that was invading your system and what is left is the God in you that was always there.  When you listen for God's voice during your prayer dialogue, listen for what sounds like your own thoughts or your own voice but lines up with God's words. 

This is why the yogis say, "I honor the Divinity that resides within me."

#iLoveWords

Spoken Word of God

Last week, I outlined ways to know if the words you're taking in are from God or not.  I focused on the written word - the Bible and other texts that proclaim the gospel of salvation through Divine Intervention. This week I will focus on the spoken word.

There are three main sources of the spoken word of God:

• Pastors, preachers, prophets, teachers, conference speakers - all one group
• Spiritual family, counselors, mentors, teachers, wise advisors - all one group
• God Himself

To be very honest, many of us only ever listen to people in category two, spiritual family.  This is a very natural place to start, but a dangerous place to end.  My sweet, faithful, strong in the Word grandmother is sometimes just too close to me or too insistent on her personal styles to be the only one I listen to.  Your mentor is a human being. No matter how much she loves God, is filled with the Holy Spirit, she is still human with her biases and places of hurt and confusion.  To only listen and take advice from your spiritual family is to shut out the revelation God is giving to the rest of the world.

God is bigger than our imagination and wondrously multifaceted. God is not limited to the perspectives of people we know.

The next problem we have, especially in the United States, is our aversion to pastors and church people.  And I promise you, despite my current attachment to the church, I have struggled with this before as well. 2 Chronicles 20:20 says, "Have faith in the Lord your God and you will be upheld; have faith in his prophets and you will be successful." Also in Paul's second letter to the church at Corinth, he says, "God has set the members, each one of them, in the body just as He pleased...and God has appointed these in the church: first apostles, second prophets, third teachers..." (12:18 and 28).  He goes on to list several other spiritual gifts in hierarchical order.  Apostles can be defined as "those who are sent" (based on the translation of the Greek word) to speak God's word or to do God's work. I don't have them listed above simply because apostles tend to be doers - church planters, missionaries, healers - where the speakers are more referred to as prophets.

Some in church culture refer to prophets as anyone who speaks on behalf of God, or gives a message from God. This encompasses pastors, preachers, teachers (of the Word, not necessarily academics), and conference speakers (conferences centered around God's word and growing in faith). I like this scripture reference: "When there is a prophet among you, I, the Lord, reveal myself to them in visions, I speak to them in dreams. This is not true of my servant Moses; he is faithful in all my house. With him I speak face to face, clearly and not in riddles; he sees the form of the Lord" (Numbers 12:8).  That's big. We see that prophets get visions and dreams that have meaning for our lives as followers of God. We also see that a person who is faithful to God might see God "face to face" and might hear things from God "clearly." Any human is fallible. Moses had his issues. But God continues revealing Himself to certain people "face to face." He continues speaking to certain people clearly and He does so even today (because He never changes - Hebrews 13:8).

The practical application is this: When someone says, "The Lord spoke to me and said..."

1. Look for that trend in scripture.  You probably won't find the exact words, but you can find the concept. Remember to balance the Old Testament with the new. If a self-proclaimed prophet says, "God wants us to stone all adulterers," yes you will find that precedent in the Old Testament, but you will find a very different precedent set by Jesus in the New Testament. Chances are very great that person didn't hear from God. 
2. See if what they claim God told them proves true. "You will know them by their fruit," or by what they do (Matthew 7:16). The catch is always timing.  God exists outside of time and historically gives people glimpses into the very distant future. Very rarely does God give a message with a timestamp on it.  The nice thing about this is it's easy to test out.  "Prophet" So-and-So says this will happen before the end of the year. You don't have to wait very long to see if they were true or false.  
3. Do NOT try to decide whether they are really speaking God's word based on their mistakes or past failures.  Moses killed a guy and then disobeyed God and was left out of the Promised Land. That didn't stop God from using him to write the Torah. Paul used to murder Christians, that didn't stop God from using him to write all those letters to the churches. God is in the business of saving people and using them for His glory. Salvation is a process and God uses people while He's still saving them. Sometimes people make huge mistakes after God has spoken through them. This does not invalidate the message.

When taking in God's spoken word, we must temper our faith in God's hierarchy with wisdom of God's written word. "Study to show yourself approved" (2 Timothy 2:15). Listen with a discerning ear and react in love and submission.

I will write more on submission and hearing from God Himself* next week.
#iLoveWords

*I struggled to put Himself rather than Herself or Him/Herself. God does not have gender. That's a different argument for a different day. But know, that I believe firmly and whole-heartedly that God fully encompasses both genders. 

Say What? Word?

In my last post, I used the premise of Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat, Pray, Love to give some guidelines for having a fulfilled life: pray, "eat," and live. As promised, in this post I am going to discuss my theory of "eating" a bit more.

I already mentioned "[hu]man does not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God" (Matthew 4:4).

What are God's words? The easy answer is: the Bible. The educated answer is: God's words are those which proclaim the Gospel, the good news, of salvation through Divine intervention.

Let me clarify: The only reason I did not leave my declaration at "the Bible - period" is because I believe, like Tommy Tenney (author of the famous Christian text The God Chasers), that God has not stopped speaking to His people since he gave John the Revelation and since Paul wrote his inspired epistles to the early churches. "God is the same yesterday, today, and forever" (Hebrews 13:8), so it doesn’t make sense that He would stop giving us prophets, relevant and timely instruction, and revelation.

I think there are dozens of books out there written by people who listen just as closely to God as Matthew and Amos and Moses listened to God. And I think their words are just as relevant to living a godly life as those in the canonized Bible. These authors’ books typically include biblical cross-references along their original revelations.

I will not name specific other books of scripture in this post, but I will say this: Christianity hinges on the revelation (not the intellectual knowledge) that Jesus, the Christ, who was both God and man allowed himself to be killed in order to "pay for" human sinfulness (Phil. 2:5-8). All religions I have studied acknowledge that humans are inclined toward wrong doing more than right doing. Most theism (or “belief in God”) acknowledges that God is "holier," better, stronger than humans. As a Christian, I believe that Jesus's death paid (past tense) the price for my sin. It happened immediately in the instant of his death, and now only has to be accepted.

I am going to disagree with some theologians here, though, and say: I don't think Jesus came to earth, lived, was tortured, died, and rose again (that's the difference; martyrs are a dime a dozen) primarily to save us from hell. Why not? Because I don't believe that the people who attempted to be faithful to God before Jesus's earth tour went to hell. I believe Jesus's death and resurrection were ordained by God to give us a chance at a better life on earth, an opportunity for the life God wanted when He created humans in the first place. Now THAT’S GOOD NEWS!

Christianity is about being saved from the effects of sin in our lives on earth more so than the after-life result of rejecting God's sovereignty. We are saved and able to engage in the process of becoming more whole, and therefore becoming holier and happier.

So, how do we measure if it is God’s word or not? In my prayerful, researched opinion, God's word is this:

• It DOES constantly require you to do better. 
• It DOES constantly remind you that you cannot do better without God. 
• It DOES come from a place of love. 
• It DOES NOT allow you to remain complacent. 
• It DOES NOT convince you that your next level is all about gritting your teeth and pulling yourself up by your bootstraps (none of that “they sleep, we grind” mentality). 
• It DOES NOT come from a place of judgment. 

Despite many Christians’ aversion to everything that hints at another religion, in Liz Gilbert's book her first act on her spiritual journey was to cry out to a God she wasn't sure she believed in and ask for help. Even she prayed first. And when God spoke; she listened and obeyed.

#iLoveWords

 For some information on other ways God speaks, check out Soul Medicine next week.

Pray, Eat, Live

I read the book Eat Pray Love twice before the movie came out.  I saw the movie in the theater and only loved it because it was a condensed version of my favorite book.  And because Julia Roberts is in it and I love her.  I had a couple of friends who were impacted by Liz Gilbert's insight the way I was.

And then I studied the book with a class who took the stance of most of the world - a rich, white lady decides to travel the world and masquerade it as spiritual and personal growth.  Really she just had an awesome vacation.  Well, someone has their knickers in a knot.

I found that everything she went through was relatable to me.  If it wasn't a pattern I already saw emerging in my 20-year-old present, I could imagine it in my future. I could say it's because she's a writer. But that would go against my fundamental belief that it is because she was right.

As I struggle a little with self-love and I meditate on ways to "fix" my problem, I think I would change the order of her verbs.

1. Always pray first.  Pray as soon as you wake up, before you go to sleep, and at every turning point throughout the day.  Thank God for being big enough to handle anything you will ever go through.  Thank God for loving you enough to work all things together for your good.  Ask God for guidelines, answers, inspiration, opportunities.  Ask God for help not being afraid to take those opportunities, help loving others the way He loves you, help seeing what might be getting in the way of your progress. 
2. Then eat.  This probably seems ridiculous, but give me a chance.  First, "[hu]man does not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God" (Matthew 4:4).  So "eat" God's words from the Bible, from the mouths of preachers, and from inside yourself.  Secondly, understand that physical eating can be a spiritual practice. There's a reason we pray, "Give us this day our daily bread" (Matthew 6:11).  That one was talking about actual food.  Make sure you are nourished, not hungry, but also not overfull or full of the wrong things.  Be careful what you enjoy and why.
3. Learn to really live.  Understand that "God has given us all things that pertain to life and godliness" (2 Peter 1:3).  I really appreciate the phrase from a popular mega church - "Whoever finds God finds life."  Find what God intends for your life - for me it's writing and teaching - and do those things as well as the actions that support those things.  I am a better writer the more of the world I take in, the more I build relationships with people.  I am a better teacher the more I do things the right way. Kids need to see adults succeeding.  Also, if I want to live whole and healthy for longer than 40 more years, I have to exercise and keep nourishing rather than deadly habits.  

So many think the majority of humans have nothing to learn from Elizabeth Gilbert's journey.  I think they fail to see that she was simply giving us an example of what it might look like to go against people's expectations and strike out on your own to find the life God intended for you.

There will be more discussion on "eating" and on "living" in the coming weeks.

#iLoveLife

Have You Ever Been In Love?

Have you ever been in love?

Like seriously in love - you talk to him every day and text him when you aren't talking and see him every chance you get?  Like you want to tell him all your good and bad news first?  Like nothing you do could ever be as fun without him?  Like you miss his presence on girls night and hanging with your family?

I feel you. I am a champion at falling in love.  In fact, I watched the movie Country Strong shortly after my own bouts with depression and suicidal tendencies.  I internalized the lead character's advice: "Don't be afraid to fall in love; it's the only thing that matters in life. The only thing. You just fall in love with as many things as possible."

This is a good tactic for getting yourself out of depression.  Lupe Fiasco, in his song, "2Ways" says, "you really like summer, you really like music, you really like reading, LOVE."  He's following similar advice.

But once you've given yourself reasons to keep living, to continue getting out of bed in the morning, there ought to be something more.

Would you believe me if I said each and every one of us was intelligently designed for the sole purpose of being head over heels, elbows over ankles, in love?

With God.

It might seem crazy because we find it so much easier to love things we can touch - ice cream, piano keys, grass, and a man's finger tips... but imagine for a second that your Lover doesn't have a job and yet still has boundless resources to shower on you?  So no matter when you want to "call Him," He's available and willing.  He gives gifts so much better than you can even imagine, much less pick out in a store.  Consider that the enormous capacity you - especially as a woman - possess for loving (we pick up dirty socks, change dirty diapers, and still manage to smile and give hugs) is primarily for loving God.  Understand that the only reason you are such a fantastic lover is because you have first been loved by Someone omniscient, omnipresent, and omnipotent.  And He deserves our reciprocation.

Don't be afraid to fall in love. But falling for God will eradicate the need to fall for anything else. All other "loves" are just gifts from God.

After all, God is the definition of Love (1 John 4:8).
#iLoveLove

Nothing But the Truth

Spoken word poet Alysia Harris embodies the art of telling the ugly truth in a beautiful way.  She speaks with her whole face, her whole body, she loses her voice and makes herself cry 90% of the time.  This is how you know what she's saying is true.  If you can write it, edit it, memorize and rehearse it and have it still bring you to tears, you're onto something.

She tweeted this quote years ago:

The best example I have of this truth is me and my bestie, Jess.  She and I have been making best friendship work for almost 8 years.  Over the last 6 months, we have been really committed to deepening our friendship by talking more regularly even though she lives in Germany (remember last week's post? Make it work. We use the Voxer app) and praying with and for each other.  We give each other updates on all the big stuff and all the little stuff several times a week.  When we disagree, we figure out why we disagreed. When we get frustrated we tell each other, we apologize, and we attempt to not make the same mistake again. We still sometimes make each other cry.

Any time you talk to someone this often, you will need a set of principles to guide you.

Here are the three things that work for us:

God - If Jess and I did not each (not one or the other, or one on behalf of the other) have a firm commitment to a God who never gives up on His relationship with us, we would probably have given up on our friendship with each other.  In fact, when we were both weaker in our faith, it was much harder and we made more and harsher mistakes.

Also, if we did not each understand a God who forgives endlessly and gives more grace than we could ever give or deserve, we would not have an example of how to treat each other with grace and forgiveness.

Love - Jess and I have spent countless hours discussing the different facets of that four-letter word.  We always use the Bible as our guide - 1 Corinthians 13, 1 John 4:7-11, Ephesians 3:17-19 (she asked me to read this at her wedding, even after I'd been really mean to her - that's love), and countless other scriptures.

We take what we read and we attempt to apply it literally.  The Bible is a book of instructions given to a beloved group of people from a Father who only wants what's best for them. And we know "Love...rejoices in the truth" (1 Cor. 13:6).

So, when Jesus says, "turn the other cheek," it literally means that in a fight when a person hits you, love would guide you not to hit them back. For real. This is only figurative in that it can apply to non-physical fights.  If someone calls you a dirty name or cusses you out, you are not to retaliate.  Love stands down, takes the hit, extends forgiveness (without being asked) and does not hold a grudge. Look at Jesus on the day of his crucifixion. Whoa. We don't like this because we see "being a doormat" as enabling the other person's bad behavior.  But somehow Jesus didn't see it that way, and I can't presume to be smarter than him.

Honesty - You have to tell the truth. We make the mistake of believing that others are not smart enough, stable enough, or loving enough to handle our truths or treat us well in the face of our truths. That's where we have to be patient, loving, and forgiving and give them time, space, and resources to understand us.

Jess and my friendship finally became smoother when we learned how to disagree with each other and still be loving and supportive. Aristotle is attributed as saying, "It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it." As friends, we have to entertain each other's thoughts, feelings, ideas, plans, goals, and potential relationships.  We must entertain them, and if they need re-sculpting, be honest and loving enough to tell our friend why and offer support for how.

It is as simple as 1, 2, 3 and as incredibly difficult.  True communication, true friendship, true love, requires honesty to make us better people.  Someone has to tell you that you are spending too much time at the club to really make your business successful.  Someone has to tell you that the way you speak to people discourages collaboration.  The only way I've seen to be honest without ruining your rapport with people is to always temper your honesty with love.  The only way I know to be dedicated to love is to follow God's example, especially in Jesus Christ.

#iLoveTruth

The Lost Art of Talking

Once upon a time in the days of old before computers and cell phones, people did a lot more talking - real communicative talking - than we do now.

If you were curious whether your neighbor had her baby yet, you had to walk over to her house and ask.  You had to talk to her.  If you were interested in a new job, you had to verbally ask the manager if there were any openings.  If you thought the boy in your third period class was cute, you couldn't end up at a dance with him unless you talked first.  

Now we just watch for a Facebook status update or a notification from LinkedIn, subscribe to a dating site, or better yet: Tindr.  

Several years back, teenagers started referring to the time between when you meet someone and when you start to call them your boyfriend/girlfriend as "talking."
He asked me for my number and now we're "talking."
We've been on a couple of dates, but we're not together; we're just "talking."

Talking got a bad rap because we overused and then misused it - like we do with most things, including the Internet. 

I'd like to give a set of witty examples of what couples who are pseudo-dating do, now that "talking" is sort of out, but I have no clue.  I graduated from "hook-ups" shortly after college and I have never considered love to be casual.  So I, like the 25-year-old grandma I am, still "talk" to guys.  I'd rather go out for coffee than to the movies.  I get why the "taking long walks on the beach" cliché exists.  My favorite part of my last first date was not the dope rap show or the fun time eating greasy breakfast food with friends. It was the hour we spent in the parking lot under the street lamp, just talking. 

Let's bring back talking, on all levels of human connection.  

• Don't send your boss an email; go into her office and talk to her.  If you're really ambitious, take care of the work thing and then be genuinely interested in her as a person.  
• That mom from your son's soccer team, invite her and her son for ice cream after the game. Talk to her.  She could be your new BFF.  
• And best of all, that guy at church you think is so cute, DON'T ask for his number. And don't find a clever way to sneak him yours. You'll only end up texting.  Set up an event with friends - bowling, dinner, game night (I don't care how grown you think you are; those are fun!) - and invite him to the event so you can talk to him.  

Our relationships mirror our communication.  Dating is shallow because we didn't "talk" enough. Our friendships aren't deep enough to weather the storm because we never told her what she needed to know. 

Don't be scared to be honest. 

#iLoveTalking

P.S. However much you talk, you need to listen twice as hard. 

P.P.S. This communication strategy works on your connection to God too.

It's June

It's June.  Sunrises and sunsets come later, and that's good because everyone is sleeping in - except the elders. Many veterans operate on a body clock set to 5 a.m.  They rise, because it's time, because the sun never sleeps in, because you're burnin' daylight, child, get up and do something!  

It's summer and we teachers and parents worry what our kids will get into with all their time off.  Will they fry their brains with too many video games?  Will they forget everything they learned in school?  

"Idle hands are the devil's plaything," you know. But the elders welcome free time more than ice cream.  They are happy to sit and watch the storm clouds roll in, although they smelled it yesterday.  Their senses are better than ours.  The internet didn't exist in their time, so they had to learn to get their information from their surroundings and their souls.

In June there is Father's Day and the anniversary of the death of the only man who showed what fatherhood should look like.  PaPa taught me to tie my shoes, to finish my plate, to read big words and analyze physical ailments (he was a physician's assistant).  He taught me how to really listen to piano chords, guitar strains, wind howling in trees, and the shrill voices of old ladies in the church choir past their singing days.  He called me "sweet thing." Whatever I needed he made a way to give me, but he never saved me from hard work. 

He told me to keep writing and he collected my poems and stories like any good parent, but he also made me pursue a "real job."  I could almost draw his look of relief when I said "teacher." Whew! Thank God, you'll never be out of work.

He "graduated" to heaven two years ago on the 24th and every single day I can't imagine who I would be if he hadn't earned every single one of his "grades": 

A for affection

A for provision

A for stick-to-it-tive-ness 

A for practicality

A for encouragement

A for advice

B for self-preservation

No one will reflect on their life and say, "I wouldn't know anything without Facebook." But, we remember forever the smiles, the rules, the hugs, the spankings, the example of the people who raised us. I've decided if I become more and more like my elders I will have done the world a service.

Well done, PaPa. I'll see you when I get there. 

#iLoveElders

It's a movement!