Every Time I Turn Around

Everyone has a different way of reacting to the world and to authority.

I am, by nature, a person who makes my own rules. I battle pride and I think I am smart enough to figure out my own way that works for me. It takes a long time for me to trust someone enough to submit to them and to listen when they tell me something.  This is especially hard when I have to change my attitude or my behavior! I first attempt to justify why I don’t need to change. And then I punk out by saying I can’t do it.

I even do this with God.

I know a lot of really great, strong Christians.  My “brothers” favorite phrases are “no days off,” “stay ready so you don’t have to get ready,” and “die daily.”  And they are diligent, excellent living testimonies to these phrases. 

But sometimes I get so caught up in that high expectation that I beat myself up because I “can’t” meet the standard.  But God reminded me that we are called to live a life of repentance – turning, changing.  Why? Because He knows that we will sometimes mess up.  And if we get into the habit of turning around, we can spend less time battling guilt and more time thanking God for His grace that meets us where we are. 

I could do penance from here to eternity for all the ways I’ve failed.  Or I could skip that and simply say, “I messed up again.  I am sorry again.  I am turning from that bad behavior and turning toward You.”  Even if I have to say that 20 times a day, it’s better than staying in my sin because I’m too afraid of the cycle. 

Repentance is holiness. 

And maybe the reason my brothers stay ready, the reason they are on Team Die Daily is because they have mastered the turning minute by minute.  I just have to speed up.

Six Months Later

In my last post, my New Year's post, I didn't mention much about school because I was a little emotionally overwhelmed about it.  They took me out of my on-level English classes with 90 students and put me in a co-taught special education classroom with 30 students.  They said it was because I was inexperienced.  Last month, they didn't offer me a contract to return on the premise that I didn't have enough experience.

Because God is awesome and He makes provisions for you before you know you need them, I was offered an interview from a small independent African American district before I even knew they weren't asking me back.  I was asked, interviewed, and hired directly by the superintendent.  She saw me performing poetry at Urban Roots and thought I might be a good match. I'll be teaching on-level English and one or two creative writing or poetry classes.  It's an awesome opportunity! I'm so excited!

I published my poetry chapbook The Risk to Bloom and have sold several copies. I had a feature show that I got paid for (that's three now!) and I booked another feature. I am in talks with three other potential features.  I have a ton of video from these shows but I haven't had time to edit and publish it yet.

I have been asked to write for a group called Soul Medicine. I will post a link and more information about that soon.

I have done a ton more praying and seeking. I have received several revelations about myself, my future, who God wants me to marry and what He wants me to do in the meantime. God is good. I am currently reading The Utter Relief of Holiness by John Eldredge.  I'm going to make another attempt at reading The Daniel Plan by Rick Warren. If you have any other books written by Christians about health, feel free to recommend them.
I have not yet developed a daily without fail prayer and Bible study time. Sometimes I skip a day and other days I'm in it for 2-6 hours. I am inconsistent.

My health is all over the place. I don't eat well. I do exercise regularly, but that is offset by my lack of nutrition and sleep.

My summer goals are these:

1) Read Judges, 2 Samuel, 1 and 2 Kings at least. Maybe 1 and 2 Chronicles also.
2) Find good recipes, make good, clean, healthy food and eat regularly.
3) Find a good workout regimen with RIPPED, zumba, and yoga.
4) Read novels, excerpts, and other things for school unit prep.
      a) I will keep my book list on my blog and update it with reviews.
5) Travel and perform
     a) Right now Dallas, Houston, Kansas City, Baltimore, DC, and New York are on the list.  That's probably enough for one summer, but you never know what's going to happen.
6) Tutor
7) Draft my nonfiction book and write good, short things

Countdown to the New Year

Please pause for a break in our regularly scheduled programming.

I am not done with the identity series. I still want to tell you about womanhood and being a writer. Unfortunately I need to first tell you about race and "the N word"...BUT before all that.....

If there was one more thing I wanted to do by the end of the year, it would be lose several pounds. I know I talk about health on here a lot, and you're probably like: "why doesn't she get it together already?" But I am trying. I am a busy busy woman.

But thanks to my sweet cousin Autumn, over at My Fat 2 Fit Life, I am ready to go full speed ahead. And I think you should join me. Check out this video.

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Please let me know.

Let Go

Some say "let go and let flow" others say "let go and let God."

In the book I'm studying, A Call to Die, David Nasser says, "[God] will always amaze us with how He'll use us. We have to keep our eyes open because He will blow our minds with where He will lead us.  Sure, He lets us get into patterns that will give us some stability, but as soon as we are established, He leads us in new directions to new experiences of enjoying Him and letting Him use us."

Below are some definitions I find helpful.

Devotion - earnest attachment to a cause or person

Diligence - constant and earnest effort to accomplish what is undertaken; persistent exertion of body or mind.
Discipline - activity, exercise, or a regimen that develops or improves a skill; training;
the rigor or training effect of experience Freedom - exemption from external control, interference, regulation, etc., the power to determine action without restraint.

The three D-words up there are words that many people use interchangeably.  I found it really helpful to compare and contrast them.  

I realize now that I am devoted, but since devotion is more of a feeling (attachment) than a course of action, being devoted is not the ideal.  You can be attached to a cause or person that you don't spend a lot of time pouring into - like me and health and fitness.  That being said, devotion means a little something, because there are tons of things to which each of us is not devoted.  Like I am not devoted to American patriotic rhetoric and ideology.  I am not devoted to secularism, godlessness.  I am deeply devoted to religious ideology. 

I am only diligent about a few things - God, personal relationships, and writing (in that order).  Those are the only things for which I will stop what I'm doing to go fix it or go nurture it. I lost a lot of sleep last night with my writing partner Kashlee Banx.  I have lost some sleep and some gas recently with a new friend.  But I cannot count the number of times I have been unavailable to work or to go out or to join in because of a church function or a Bible study or a conversation with someone about God. 
I will have to become more and more diligent to teaching, to my studies and research, to planning and executing.  I seriously wonder if I will ever be diligent at exercise.  Devoted, perhaps. Diligent? I'm just not sure. 

Discipline is what I lack in all areas.  I hate being stuck in a rut.  I get bored with processes very easily.  Even though I spend time with God every day, reading the Word and journaling, reading devotional books, etc., it is hard for me to finish a book cover to cover.  It is hard for me to complete the same process day in and day out.  It's hard for me to follow a Bible reading plan.  I like to jump around and be spontaneous.  This is a problem because sometimes the payoff doesn't come if you don't complete the whole process. I think this is more true spiritually than in any other area.  I need to be more disciplined to finish what I start. 

Dictionary.com says freedom is about lack of external control or restraint.  I am free, perhaps a bit too free.  I am great at responding to the world around me, taking immediate instruction, helping in crises.  Many people are not.  Have you ever met someone who can never do anything that wasn't on their to-do list?  They can't meet you for coffee because right now is their scheduled study time; are you available in two hours? Maybe they can schedule you in for next Monday? There is nothing wrong with a structured life, but it has its downfalls just like an unstructured one.  I think sometimes (external) diligence infringes on (internal) freedom. Sometimes we don't see the forest for the trees. We sometimes take the beauty and adventure from life with the implementation of structure.  

Here is a story to close:

I am devoted to, diligent in, and fairly disciplined at maintaining pure relationships with men.  I believe that a lot of the problems in my culture can be traced back to an excess of freedom about purity and sex.  High demands, low standards, low expectations, low responsibility and weak will.  So I don't really date.  I don't spend much alone time around men.  I try to keep text messages and hang time regulated to daylight hours.  

Recently, I met a man while I was out performing.  We had a deep conversation with some other people one night and each realized that the other was intelligent and insightful.  He began starting conversations with me over social networking and invited me to spend time with him.  Because of our work schedules, the best time for us to talk was when I get off after 9 p.m.  This made me leery at first.  My perspective was that it simply is not proper to spend time with a man at this hour.  But our conversations are very pure.  He has never made a pass at me.  Nothing inappropriate has happened or even been hinted at.  And I recently have felt more and more comfortable talking with him about spiritual things.  I recently shared with him a sermon that I heard at church.  

I am not advocating lowering your standards or your level of responsibility.  Not all men are respectful or trustworthy.  Not all women are pure or innocent.  I especially don't encourage too much after-hours hang time between teenagers - there are too many hormones and too little experience with the world.  There is so much more to learn about yourself as a young woman or young man.  But I am glad that, as an adult, with a healthy foundation in discipline and diligence, I did not let the three D's keep me from being free enough to perhaps really encourage my new friend and plant some seeds for positive change in his life.  

Learn the limits of freedom and the beauty in structure. 
(Please comment or respond in whatever way you want to or can on this topic - even if you disagree.)