Jesus and Ice Cream in a Coffee Mug

I've been trying to figure out how to blog again.

That's the weirdest thing for me to write. 

Figuring out how? No way. Words flow out of me, all the time, for no reason and every reason. There's nothing to figure out, it's just to do. 

But the doing is hard. 

It's hard because of time. It's hard because our bodies are limited. It's hard because our hearts get cluttered. It's hard because I have a lot of tasks to juggle. But it's important and it's what I'm called to, so I need to do it better. 

Monday night, the Lord infused me with his strength and diligence and I worked hard and went to bed early. I went to bed thinking, "I can't wait to get up in the morning and spend time with the Lord!" That's the best feeling. I pray that feeling comes more regularly. 

I feel it tonight - Saturday. I can't wait to get up in the morning and go worship the Lord with other believers! 

Thank God for expectation! Thank God that He humbles Himself to be with us.  

Tuesday morning I woke with expectation. I brewed coffee and opened my Bible and my notebook and I sat down excited to study.  I read from Matthew 19 about the complexity of what happens after salvation and after death.  

I drank coffee and painted my face and dressed well and felt like I had done it all to the glory of God.  That day at school, I worked hard.  I worked hard on students' assignments.  I worked hard on kids' hearts.  I worked hard to get adolescent writers to transform lists into poems.  

It was lovely.  It was exhausting.  I came home afterward with a PMS migraine and just watched Grey's Anatomy.  I put cookies and cream flavored Blue Bell ice cream into that morning's coffee mug and recorded a short video.  I remembered that my PaPa taught me to control my sweet tooth by eating ice cream out of a small mug.  I remembered that excellence in any area of work is all glory to God who strengthens us.  I smiled a lot.  

It's the little things, like coffee mugs of ice cream, that center us and point us back to the big things: God and His Kingdom and His will being done on earth through us.  How sweet it is!

Here's the link to the video I did that night. I exported it straight from Periscope. 

https://youtu.be/y4jp13zQWfw

#WhyIShaklee + 5-Day Reset

You Don't Have to Try So Hard

As a follow-up to my last post, I have not been trying so hard.

Aside from the wedding I went to, I have not worn any makeup other than eye liner and mascara in three weeks.

If I'm being honest, I miss the compliments.

But I like the time I spend thinking more about God or about school in the mornings.

I won't say this is because I haven't been wearing makeup, but doors have been opening up for me. I know at least one of those doors opened because I was discussing my return to my natural state with someone.

I've spent more time writing, more time working out, more time journaling.

This photo was taken today while I was working on a project with a friend. Before I left my house (15 minutes late), I thought about putting on a whole face of makeup, but decided it was unnecessary.  I guess I knew in my gut that we would take photos.  When my friend starting taking candids of me while I was writing, I said, "If I'd known you wanted to take pics, I'd have been cuter." He said "You don't have to be cute to make history."  I'd have preferred he say, "You're cute enough already." But, what he did say is true.  I also know I will look back in twenty years and either think "I should have fixed my hair and worn makeup" or think "That was when I stopped caring so much about my outward appearance. I cared more about what I was doing than how I looked doing it."

For this perspective and for a huge spiritual step in the right direction, I thank my friend Maria Atkinson who beautifully walks around Haiti wearing no makeup, hair sometimes in dreadlocks or cornrows, and sometimes in a pixie cut, loving people to life. You are beautiful.  If people begin to be able to look at me and see anything like what I see when I look at you then I will consider myself a success.

My conclusion is that Colbie was right: you don't have to try so hard. You definitely don't have to give it all away.
She was also wrong, because there are some things you should try at, some things you should let break you.  I've decided to try and walk a few miles a few times a week, and do yoga on the off days if not every day.  I've decided to try and eat only food that will nourish me.  In fact, my mom and I are doing a 5-Day Reset with Shaklee starting tomorrow. Then extreme clean eating until Thanksgiving when I'll assess my progress.

I think what I really learned is that you have to try at the right things. And the real message is that you don't have to fit into someone else's mold.  I don't have to be a glamor girl.  I genuinely like pretty and pink and sparkles and fashion, but I like them better when I'm healthier.  Until I'm healthy, it's like dressing up a garbage can. That doesn't make much sense.
Thank you for the burst of inspiration today from Carlie, @RegularGirlFitness (on Instagram), also.

And I need to remain focused on the spiritual, the eternal, also. If I was there, and we talked, and we prayed, and we felt God together, does it matter how I looked?  I think, not really.

"Do you like you?"

Just Get Up

Is this true or is it a lie?

She sings so beautifully and she looks so sincere. But is she lying?

"You don't have to try so hard.
You don't have to give it all away.
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up.
You don't have to change a single thing.
You don't have to try so hard.
You don't have to bend until you break.
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up.
You don't have to change a single thing.
You don't have to try..."

Because even the sweetest of people want you to stop eating meat or stop eating sugar or start working out or work out more.  They want you to wear this or that, keep chemicals on or off your hair.  They want you to cover up more or less.

If this were true, it would revolutionize my world.
I love pink and sparkles, makeup and fashion...
...because I like external things to tell me I'm pretty.

Without makeup, you can see the stress blemishes on my skin and the dark circles from no sleep under my eyes.
Without enough cute clothes you can see all the extra pounds I carry around because I eat my emotions.

I would give anything to be able to just get up and go...and not feel ugly.

Last week, a coworker of mine saw me - wearing no makeup and my glasses - and said, "Oh you don't have on all your eye makeup today. I always look forward to your eyes." I told my coworker, "It takes me 30 minutes to put my face on. I chose to sleep today." And, even though I forgot to set my alarm this morning, I still put on my full face this morning, so I wouldn't disappoint.

I fought with someone I consider a friend because I was trying with everything in me to change my body and she was trying to help and it wasn't working.  I missed out on her light for weeks because of that. Even now when I see her, I sometimes have to close my eyes to remember that she is a beautiful soul and not just a hot body.

I have a family member whose most distinguishing factor to me is that she is always either on a food challenge or a fitness challenge. Always. Sometimes both.

And before someone makes this argument, I am not saying that health doesn't matter.  It does. It definitely does.  But when you already feel pressure from every angle, the pressure to be healthy is not separate. It's all just pressure.

I have been lying/evading/covering this up for almost a year...I have serious food issues.  I punish myself with food. I either over-eat on purpose as punishment or I starve myself for the same reasons.  I have cried over many meals.
Thank you to my sweet friend, Bekah, for sharing her story on this topic.

Today I threw a fit because my Old Navy account had a glitch and I couldn't buy $200 worth of clothes. I have parent teacher conferences tomorrow and I wanted to look adorable.

I wish the girl pictured above got as many compliments and likes as the girl with the awesome mascara or the cute outfits. 

I want to stop trying. 

I have never been more afraid of anything.

I also need to apologize to everyone I have ever made feel like they needed more makeup, cuter or different hair, or any kind of change in order to be pretty.  I never meant to be malicious, but I was applying the same rules to you that I am suffering under. I pray you didn't suffer under my word.  I am so sorry. You don't have to try.

Endnote: If I had to pick ONE thing that I believe is worth the effort and conformity, it would be the food I find and take in.  If you had to pick ONE thing to try, which would it be?

Pray, Eat, Live

I read the book Eat Pray Love twice before the movie came out.  I saw the movie in the theater and only loved it because it was a condensed version of my favorite book.  And because Julia Roberts is in it and I love her.  I had a couple of friends who were impacted by Liz Gilbert's insight the way I was.

And then I studied the book with a class who took the stance of most of the world - a rich, white lady decides to travel the world and masquerade it as spiritual and personal growth.  Really she just had an awesome vacation.  Well, someone has their knickers in a knot.

I found that everything she went through was relatable to me.  If it wasn't a pattern I already saw emerging in my 20-year-old present, I could imagine it in my future. I could say it's because she's a writer. But that would go against my fundamental belief that it is because she was right.

As I struggle a little with self-love and I meditate on ways to "fix" my problem, I think I would change the order of her verbs.

1. Always pray first.  Pray as soon as you wake up, before you go to sleep, and at every turning point throughout the day.  Thank God for being big enough to handle anything you will ever go through.  Thank God for loving you enough to work all things together for your good.  Ask God for guidelines, answers, inspiration, opportunities.  Ask God for help not being afraid to take those opportunities, help loving others the way He loves you, help seeing what might be getting in the way of your progress. 
2. Then eat.  This probably seems ridiculous, but give me a chance.  First, "[hu]man does not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God" (Matthew 4:4).  So "eat" God's words from the Bible, from the mouths of preachers, and from inside yourself.  Secondly, understand that physical eating can be a spiritual practice. There's a reason we pray, "Give us this day our daily bread" (Matthew 6:11).  That one was talking about actual food.  Make sure you are nourished, not hungry, but also not overfull or full of the wrong things.  Be careful what you enjoy and why.
3. Learn to really live.  Understand that "God has given us all things that pertain to life and godliness" (2 Peter 1:3).  I really appreciate the phrase from a popular mega church - "Whoever finds God finds life."  Find what God intends for your life - for me it's writing and teaching - and do those things as well as the actions that support those things.  I am a better writer the more of the world I take in, the more I build relationships with people.  I am a better teacher the more I do things the right way. Kids need to see adults succeeding.  Also, if I want to live whole and healthy for longer than 40 more years, I have to exercise and keep nourishing rather than deadly habits.  

So many think the majority of humans have nothing to learn from Elizabeth Gilbert's journey.  I think they fail to see that she was simply giving us an example of what it might look like to go against people's expectations and strike out on your own to find the life God intended for you.

There will be more discussion on "eating" and on "living" in the coming weeks.

#iLoveLife