Just Get Up

Is this true or is it a lie?

She sings so beautifully and she looks so sincere. But is she lying?

"You don't have to try so hard.
You don't have to give it all away.
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up.
You don't have to change a single thing.
You don't have to try so hard.
You don't have to bend until you break.
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up.
You don't have to change a single thing.
You don't have to try..."

Because even the sweetest of people want you to stop eating meat or stop eating sugar or start working out or work out more.  They want you to wear this or that, keep chemicals on or off your hair.  They want you to cover up more or less.

If this were true, it would revolutionize my world.
I love pink and sparkles, makeup and fashion...
...because I like external things to tell me I'm pretty.

Without makeup, you can see the stress blemishes on my skin and the dark circles from no sleep under my eyes.
Without enough cute clothes you can see all the extra pounds I carry around because I eat my emotions.

I would give anything to be able to just get up and go...and not feel ugly.

Last week, a coworker of mine saw me - wearing no makeup and my glasses - and said, "Oh you don't have on all your eye makeup today. I always look forward to your eyes." I told my coworker, "It takes me 30 minutes to put my face on. I chose to sleep today." And, even though I forgot to set my alarm this morning, I still put on my full face this morning, so I wouldn't disappoint.

I fought with someone I consider a friend because I was trying with everything in me to change my body and she was trying to help and it wasn't working.  I missed out on her light for weeks because of that. Even now when I see her, I sometimes have to close my eyes to remember that she is a beautiful soul and not just a hot body.

I have a family member whose most distinguishing factor to me is that she is always either on a food challenge or a fitness challenge. Always. Sometimes both.

And before someone makes this argument, I am not saying that health doesn't matter.  It does. It definitely does.  But when you already feel pressure from every angle, the pressure to be healthy is not separate. It's all just pressure.

I have been lying/evading/covering this up for almost a year...I have serious food issues.  I punish myself with food. I either over-eat on purpose as punishment or I starve myself for the same reasons.  I have cried over many meals.
Thank you to my sweet friend, Bekah, for sharing her story on this topic.

Today I threw a fit because my Old Navy account had a glitch and I couldn't buy $200 worth of clothes. I have parent teacher conferences tomorrow and I wanted to look adorable.

I wish the girl pictured above got as many compliments and likes as the girl with the awesome mascara or the cute outfits. 

I want to stop trying. 

I have never been more afraid of anything.

I also need to apologize to everyone I have ever made feel like they needed more makeup, cuter or different hair, or any kind of change in order to be pretty.  I never meant to be malicious, but I was applying the same rules to you that I am suffering under. I pray you didn't suffer under my word.  I am so sorry. You don't have to try.

Endnote: If I had to pick ONE thing that I believe is worth the effort and conformity, it would be the food I find and take in.  If you had to pick ONE thing to try, which would it be?

Sacrifice, Identity, and the Real You

This blog started with me discussing sacrifice in terms of fitness and body image. Now sacrifice is manifesting in a different way.

In the few weeks since my last post, 

• I have been planning a really great unit with my team teachers on the topic of language and identity. I could teach different aspects of this all year, so I'm really really excited.
• I had also been not working out due to a side oblique strain. Since I wasn't working out, I was stress-eating. Bleh.
• I also had my boss tell me that I'm "making a lot of first-year mistakes" which I took as I'm sucking as a teacher.
• I also turned in a really horrid paper for my grad class and realized that I had no idea what I was doing for the upcoming paper in my other grad class.
• I had a really really refreshing and amazing coffee date with my friend Ericka.
• I performed twice and went to show where a fellow poet invited me to Tulsa to perform.
• I had a Twilight marathon with my Sheri and realized how much I miss her. 

In looking at my life, I realized that there were a lot of things out of order. Writing and performing doesn't really get to exit my life again (unless I hear it very authoritatively from the voice of God). It's who I am, who He made me. And I don't devote enough time to rehearsing.

On the other hand, I was spending an exorbitant amount of time on something He never called me to, something I ran to out of fear of the future and pride of the past.  Grad school is not a part of my right now. I never intended, and I don't think God ever intended, for me to be in grad school while I am a first-year teacher. One of them would suffer. In reality, both of them suffered.

And my body suffered. Part of my injury was lack of rest.

My stress-eating was, duh, stress-induced.

And my relationship with God suffered.

And my students suffered. My classroom management consultant friend kept reminding me that my students are "human beings not human doings." I realized that I ask them to DO a ton and don't ask them to BE much at all. And that also helped me remind myself that I am a human being not a human doing.

And the most rewarding spaces of being for me are these:

 So I looked at my situation and how I feel after every activity on my schedule and realized what needed to go. Grad school. Please don't think that I am quitting because that's the easier thing to do - it's not. And don't think that I am quitting because what I am learning is superfluous - it's not. I have gotten so many wonderful ideas for my classroom based on what I was studying. But, like I said in my previous posts on this topic - sacrifice is giving up something you want for something you want more. It's not a sacrifice if it's something you didn't really care about. What I want more is to be a good teacher, one that encourages students to BE great, not just pass their tests. What I want more is to be a good performer, someone who speaks to people's souls - their minds, wills, and emotions.  What I want more is to have time to love on people - old friends and new ones. What I want more is to have time to love on God. What I want more is to be healthy in my eating and my exercising and my stress levels. So that's what I'm doing. I am freeing myself to BE who I am. Several weeks ago in church I came upon an incredible realization - a rhema word (a revelation, divinely revealed knowledge).  WHATEVER YOU ARE HOPING AND PRAYING TO BECOME, YOU ALREADY ARE.  Underneath the layers of self-doubt and fear, of self-sabotage and undue restraint, of pain and rejection, of bad relationships and lack of inspiration you are exactly who you ought to be.  You just have to wake up in the morning and be that great mom - like my friend Jessica, that memorable artist - like so many I know and love, that incredible friend and lover (in a romantic way, or just to the world) - like Charmaine, that inspiring teacher - like Drew and Jordan, that dad that defies all the statistics - like Casanova and Jeremy.  That is who you are, NOT who you have to become. You might be looking at this and thinking that's a bold-faced lie. It's not. The way to BE who you are on the inside (even if you previously haven't been on the outside) is to emotionally rest and do all the things that person would do.  If the best dad doesn't smoke and you do, then wake up and refuse the cigarette.  If the best mom is a confident role model for her daughters, then wake up, look in the mirror and find something to love.  If the best teacher doesn't ever yell at his kids, then decide on a calming strategy and use it in the classroom today.  Don't worry about the past.  Don't worry about your tendencies or your shortcomings.  Just get up and do what you ought to. I'm off to grade papers, because good teachers turn in their grades on time. I hope your today is filled with something that helps you be the best version of yourself, in other words, be the real you. 

These photos are where I can be the best version of myself. 

Ever since I left OCU, school has never been the BEST version of me, just a version where I am used to excelling.

Identity: Teacher

Here's another video. I basically just ramble about being a teacher and what the first almost week was like.


 I will film an update this week, because it took me way too many days to edit this.

Note: I love the Teach So Hard movement and following other teachers on social networks. It's nice to have support.

Things are good still.
I'm taking this week away from TV and movies to pray more and get my schedule worked out. (I'm gonna have to ask my cousin to DVR Graceland.) Grad school starts this week too. I'm behind on everything. This past week was a sleepy, not totally productive week. Better this upcoming week, I know!

The Risk, The Sacrifice

I just finished editing my first chapbook of poems and sent it off for peer-edits.. There are just over twenty poems in it, many of which I have performed for crowds that liked or loved them.  I wrote these poems mainly during my college years, when I was searching, wandering, losing and finding myself by the week and month.

There is a quote from Anais Nin that I heard on Alicia Keys' album The Element of Freedom and it really touched me: "The day came when the risk it took to remain tightly closed in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom."
Last year I had a show called "The Risk to Bloom" and that is what I am naming my book as well.

I don't doubt that Anais Nin (and Alicia Keys) mean something different about freedom and about blooming than I do, but the quote is so true and so powerful.

 

Sometime during college I closed myself off to lots of emotions - many who knew me then would say that I never cried and sometimes seemed to feel nothing but laughter and anger.  I closed myself off to the piercing power of the Holy Spirit.  After a lot of meditating and reading old poems and journals, I think I was tired and afraid of feeling convicted, so I stopped allowing myself to give in to questions about my motives and my misbehaviors.

I couldn't close down everything, though. I let in beautiful words. I allowed words to feel for me so I wouldn't have to.

After college, that didn't work for me anymore.  I actually didn't write for months on end, close to a year.  Being closed off like that was really hurtful to my sweet roommate at the time.  It got me fired from a job I was good at.  It led me to a really dark place where I behaved as if there were no God to heal and protect and provide. I went through a ministry class at church, because I was asked to, and because I was sure that if I didn't do something "radical" I would not make it much farther. 

What I know now is that there is a beauty God puts inside each of us - namely women (inside the men, I am inclined to say He places a strength - not that women have no strength and men have no beauty but I am speaking generally) - and that beauty is precious and vulnerable.  The devil does not want the world to see that beauty.  The devil does not want the world to see your light shining to glorify the God who made you. So there is an attack on our beauty and on our strength. It is a ruthless attack.  The goal is that we would die emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and then perhaps physically as well.  The devil wants our potential dead because it is a reflection and a manifestation of God's potential - His omnipotence (same root word: potent).  I learned that our beauty is inextricably bound to God.  Without God everything begins crumbling.

Knowing that there is an enemy who wants to attack the strongest, most beautiful part of you makes you want to protect it, to hold it back, to maybe lock it away in a high tower where no harm can reach it...and no one can see it or be inspired by it.

I am thankful to be living after "the day" when I realized that hiding is too painful and detrimental.  But in order to fully grasp that, I must let go of what used to be and how I used to cope.  I must release the hiding and the self-protection in order to bloom.  I must release the people who are attached to who I used to be.  I must be willing to sacrifice what I once wanted - angsty poems that make people cry and applaud, that pull their heartstrings - for what I want more - to be whole and holy in God, and to show others how to get there.

I am afraid that my writing won't be as good without all of the angst.  I am afraid that it won't be as poignant, that it will draw a smaller crowd.

"It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us." - Marianne Williamson

I am afraid that many of those who nurtured my writing from the beginning will shun it when I consistently insist on putting God in the middle of it.  

"I tell you, the Kingdom of God will be taken away from you and given to a nation that will produce the proper fruit. And whoever falls on this stone [that the builders rejected] will be broken; but on whomever it falls, it will grind him to powder." - Matthew 21:43-44.  Jesus was quoting Psalms 118:22-23.  He was saying that He is who people reject, the "stone" or building block that "builders" reject.  Because we are all building a life, and we are either building it on Christ or on something else.  He is saying that the "nation" producing "proper fruit" is the nation that has "fallen" on Him and allowed themselves to be broken. He is talking about the people who have sacrificed what they wanted for the Kingdom and then used Him to build their lives on.  Those who won't sacrifice, who won't allow themselves to be broken are those whom the "stone" will crush.  I don't believe this directly translates to God reaching out to smite people.  I think it means that if you don't make the sacrifice to build your life around the Kingdom, you take yourself from God's protection and then life's trials and hardships can and will crush you. 

So I trust that whatever I create from here on out will touch who it ought, where it ought, how it ought to.  I do not have to be angsty and sinful in order to be creative or draw a crowd.  I can be whole and holy.

At some point I will have to sacrifice the freedom of having all the time in the world for the discipline of health.  I have to want health more than I want "free time." It's a change in mindset. I have to invest in the process, the patient endurance, the sweating at a low fitness level until I get to a higher one. 

Let Go

Some say "let go and let flow" others say "let go and let God."

In the book I'm studying, A Call to Die, David Nasser says, "[God] will always amaze us with how He'll use us. We have to keep our eyes open because He will blow our minds with where He will lead us.  Sure, He lets us get into patterns that will give us some stability, but as soon as we are established, He leads us in new directions to new experiences of enjoying Him and letting Him use us."

Below are some definitions I find helpful.

Devotion - earnest attachment to a cause or person

Diligence - constant and earnest effort to accomplish what is undertaken; persistent exertion of body or mind.
Discipline - activity, exercise, or a regimen that develops or improves a skill; training;
the rigor or training effect of experience Freedom - exemption from external control, interference, regulation, etc., the power to determine action without restraint.

The three D-words up there are words that many people use interchangeably.  I found it really helpful to compare and contrast them.  

I realize now that I am devoted, but since devotion is more of a feeling (attachment) than a course of action, being devoted is not the ideal.  You can be attached to a cause or person that you don't spend a lot of time pouring into - like me and health and fitness.  That being said, devotion means a little something, because there are tons of things to which each of us is not devoted.  Like I am not devoted to American patriotic rhetoric and ideology.  I am not devoted to secularism, godlessness.  I am deeply devoted to religious ideology. 

I am only diligent about a few things - God, personal relationships, and writing (in that order).  Those are the only things for which I will stop what I'm doing to go fix it or go nurture it. I lost a lot of sleep last night with my writing partner Kashlee Banx.  I have lost some sleep and some gas recently with a new friend.  But I cannot count the number of times I have been unavailable to work or to go out or to join in because of a church function or a Bible study or a conversation with someone about God. 
I will have to become more and more diligent to teaching, to my studies and research, to planning and executing.  I seriously wonder if I will ever be diligent at exercise.  Devoted, perhaps. Diligent? I'm just not sure. 

Discipline is what I lack in all areas.  I hate being stuck in a rut.  I get bored with processes very easily.  Even though I spend time with God every day, reading the Word and journaling, reading devotional books, etc., it is hard for me to finish a book cover to cover.  It is hard for me to complete the same process day in and day out.  It's hard for me to follow a Bible reading plan.  I like to jump around and be spontaneous.  This is a problem because sometimes the payoff doesn't come if you don't complete the whole process. I think this is more true spiritually than in any other area.  I need to be more disciplined to finish what I start. 

Dictionary.com says freedom is about lack of external control or restraint.  I am free, perhaps a bit too free.  I am great at responding to the world around me, taking immediate instruction, helping in crises.  Many people are not.  Have you ever met someone who can never do anything that wasn't on their to-do list?  They can't meet you for coffee because right now is their scheduled study time; are you available in two hours? Maybe they can schedule you in for next Monday? There is nothing wrong with a structured life, but it has its downfalls just like an unstructured one.  I think sometimes (external) diligence infringes on (internal) freedom. Sometimes we don't see the forest for the trees. We sometimes take the beauty and adventure from life with the implementation of structure.  

Here is a story to close:

I am devoted to, diligent in, and fairly disciplined at maintaining pure relationships with men.  I believe that a lot of the problems in my culture can be traced back to an excess of freedom about purity and sex.  High demands, low standards, low expectations, low responsibility and weak will.  So I don't really date.  I don't spend much alone time around men.  I try to keep text messages and hang time regulated to daylight hours.  

Recently, I met a man while I was out performing.  We had a deep conversation with some other people one night and each realized that the other was intelligent and insightful.  He began starting conversations with me over social networking and invited me to spend time with him.  Because of our work schedules, the best time for us to talk was when I get off after 9 p.m.  This made me leery at first.  My perspective was that it simply is not proper to spend time with a man at this hour.  But our conversations are very pure.  He has never made a pass at me.  Nothing inappropriate has happened or even been hinted at.  And I recently have felt more and more comfortable talking with him about spiritual things.  I recently shared with him a sermon that I heard at church.  

I am not advocating lowering your standards or your level of responsibility.  Not all men are respectful or trustworthy.  Not all women are pure or innocent.  I especially don't encourage too much after-hours hang time between teenagers - there are too many hormones and too little experience with the world.  There is so much more to learn about yourself as a young woman or young man.  But I am glad that, as an adult, with a healthy foundation in discipline and diligence, I did not let the three D's keep me from being free enough to perhaps really encourage my new friend and plant some seeds for positive change in his life.  

Learn the limits of freedom and the beauty in structure. 
(Please comment or respond in whatever way you want to or can on this topic - even if you disagree.)

change

"i'm starting with the man in the mirror
i'm asking him to change his ways
and no message could have been any clearer
if you want to make the world a better place
take a look at yourself and then make a change"
-michael jackson

"yes we can heal this nation
yes we can repair this world"
-barack obama

why is that people rarely come together for anything other than death? michael jackson's memorial was beautiful. watching everyone on cnn and on facebook updating their statuses and showing love was great. it made me think about how the last time i saw anything that beautiful, that unifying, was at the hand of president obama (his inauguration, election night when he won, his landmark speeches). but prior to the election year, i rarely saw people joining hands with people they had never met and had almost nothing in common with. "bliss was it in that dawn to be alive, but to be young was very heaven" (william wordsworth).

this all means even more to me right now. i have recently felt my heartstrings connected to the state of oklahoma, as if i belong here. as if i have red dirt running through my veins and a tornado wreaking havoc inside my ribcage. over the last week, it had begun to look like oklahoma is a state that has yet to fall instep with the mantra of "united we stand, divided we fall." state representative sally kern has written a proclamation blaming the president, homosexuals, and debauchers for our economic crisis. she claims that a return to morality and religion is the key to turning the financial tide. and she defames america as an immoral nation.

i am not in denial. bad things happen everywhere, including the u.s., including oklahoma, but pointing fingers has never solved problems. and as a person who believes that, above all else, Jesus was a representative of love, it kills me to see people standing in Christ's name singing "God bless america" while villifying people's freedom of sexuality. it broke my heart to watch people proclaim division and animosity and then sing our "star-spangled banner."

i believe in the united states of america. i believe that when people unite themselves around a cause, there is nothing they cannot accomplish. it is true that the rule of the majority can sometimes yield unfavorable results, but that is why this is the "home of the brave" not just the "land of the free." we must take responsibility for the causes we rally behind. and we must never forget that freedom always comes at a price.

i guess i'm just hoping that people continue to think globally, to think about others as well as themselves, and realize that the good things we want are waiting for us to make them happen. someone else needs to stand up and be the one so that one can become two, two can become four, four can become forty, and forty can become the majority.

but today, let's all start with the man in the mirror.
r.i.p. michael jackson