I Can Hear the Bells

I realize that I still haven't posted about the beautiful wedding that I went to over New Year's. I'm not sure why that is; maybe I did all my gushing verbally and in photos and their captions on Facebook (if we're not friends, we should be ;-)). Suffice it to say: it was the most beautiful wedding I've ever been to (the first in a long time that I truly enjoyed) and it made me rethink my thoughts on weddings.

Allow me to divert a little by saying, I am extraordinarily stubborn. If I get my mind set to do something or act a certain way, you will be proven wrong if you think I won't make it happen (all the more reason I should be able to lose 50 pounds, right?). I have been that way since I can remember. The problem is that I often don't back down, even if I've lost faith in my reason for the initial decision. Easy Example: I might say "Men should never wear skinny jeans." And then someone might show me a never-before-seen photo of Chris Brown or Idris Elba or Lupe Fiasco (guys I think are very hot) in a pair of skinny jeans that completely pull together his outfit. In my mind I might think, "I was wrong; he looks hot in those," but I will not say it aloud. I would probably cover with something like, "Well, anything looks better than awful on CBreezy."
In my defense, once I've seen three or four hot guys look hot in skinny jeans I might say, "Okay, fine. Men can wear skinny jeans IF they are as fine as Lupe."
I mentioned my stubbornness because this post is one of those I-renege-on-this-condition statements.

Up until the wedding of my best friend, I was what my sorority sisters called a "wedding hater." Not a marriage hater, because I'm definitely a fan of marriage, but not so much a fan of the flowers, lace, invitations, dresses, and color combinations that make up a wedding. I don't need to make my case about weddings and their pomp and pagentry; most people who will read this already know my position too well.
What I re-opened my computer in the middle of the night when I have a headache to say is: I now know how weddings can be done tastefully. I also now see where some of my distaste for them was unfounded. I projected the bad behavior of certain people, especially women, especially women with lots of money, onto all people. I projected the nonsense of some weddings onto all of them. And worst of all, I projected the brokenness of some relationships onto many, varied relationships. I am glad I was able to see in person what happens when a woman who I would never call spoiled or vapid or superficial marries a man who is not passive or emasculate or archaic because they are truly, madly, deeply in love and committed to making their situation work, not because it was just that time, or because their biological clock was ticking, or to combine their incomes. I saw class and beauty and spirituality and diversity and love come together to show several of us what it can look like when done right.

I realized through the beauty (some have said "perfection" and I like that word too) of my dear friend, the bride, that a wedding can symbolize a relationship, that a perfect bride can symbolize a lovely woman. And I am now able to admit that part of the reason I was loathe to see myself walking down an aisle of adoring onlookers on a cloud of bridal bliss and poise and grace and class is because I don't consider myself to be someone to be adored, someone who possesses poise or grace or an abundance of class. I never have seen my life - present or future - as entitled to bliss or perfection or awe-inspiration.
On one level, I aim to be a bit more graceful, a bit classier in future. The world could use more of that. On another level, I appreciate some of my "rough edges" some of the things that will never look perfect in lace accessorized by something borrowed and something blue.

So I have outlined some things symbolic of myself as a woman to whom a man would promise: "forever and ever, amen."
I have an idea for a dress (likely tailor-made): white, strapless, T-length, with a cherry blossom tree growing up from the bottom hem in full bloom and color (shades of pink and green). This dress is accessorized mainly by the quarter-sleeve tattoo I'm getting on my left shoulder, pink pumps, pink nail polish. Simple, pretty, but never traditional.
I have an idea for a ceremony that is much less formal than the usual wedding ceremony and consists of several people (generally bridesmaids and groomsmen) speaking to or on behalf of the bride and groom. I think I'd like a non-pastorly-type to officiate; someone with a license but not someone who I know as Pastor So-and-So. I'd like them to be someone who speaks into my life on a more casual and likely more regular basis. I want to enter (walk down the aisle) to something like Anthony Hamilton's "Dear Life."
I have an idea for a reception that lasts until we're all finished dancing, not just until my husband and I are ready to start the baby-making. And a day-after brunch to gush and look at photos and spend more time being blissfully happy.

I am now inspired to become more like the beautiful friend whose man liked it so much he put a ring on it this past new year's eve, but to do so in a way that makes me, Najah, a better version of myself, not another version of her.

I hereby renege my angry statements about weddings being stupid and a waste of time and money (Oh my goodness. I actually felt a piece of my ego being severed from the whole - and it was a good thing). I maintain, as a point of contention, and because I still believe it, that weddings should never become a competition, a pageant, a ruse, an obligation, a burden, or a misrepresentation of the bride and groom. Make your wedding yours and your spouse's. Make it say your names. Make it exemplify who you are as a couple. Don't ever ask it to scream, "I'm better than So-and-So's wedding!" Your wedding attire should make you look like the best version of yourself, and that may not be a candidate for the cover of Martha Stewart Weddings. And that's okay.

Wow. That's what you call a come-to-Jesus. Thanks, Bestie.
Also, don't worry that I've let out too many of my wedding secrets. By the time it actually goes down (5 years, 10 years, 15 years?) this post will be so far back in the archives that it won't be remembered.

The end.

School Days

Welp, it seems to be time, past time really, to make a definite, not-changing come-hell-or-high-water plan to graduate from college. I had a couple of different versions of that plan all the way up until July 2009. Then I transferred from Oklahoma City University, an exciting, top-notch, private, REALLY expensive institution, and enrolled at the University of Central Oklahoma, a well-respected, public institution known across the state and farther as a great school to teach teachers (which is my degree path).

When I realized that at UCO none of my school expenses would come out of pocket, I had a heart-to-heart with myself and then with my best friend. We decided that we liked school and as long as it was cheap (or free), what was really wrong with staying in until you couldn't stand it anymore?

There are a few reasons all this is coming up:

1) I just got an exciting internship (TBA) and I might be able to get some course credit for it if I play my cards right. 

2) I am in the interview process for a change in one of my jobs (hush hush). This change would give me job stability and a potential raise (i.e. I could easily move out and not have to struggle).
3) I looked over my transcript and realized these things:

    a) I am only 3 classes away from a minor in journalism.

    b) with 4 classes, I could pick up a minor in public relations (one of which - Media Writing - is the same as a class I'd need for journalism).
    c) I am only 3 classes away from a minor in Spanish.

Here are the potential plans of action:

1) leave my spring 2010 schedule the way it is and graduate with a Bachelor's in English Education in May 2011. 

2) request a mass communications internship credit for my non-school related internship.

3) change my spring 2010 schedule a little by:
   a) adding Media Writing at 8 a.m. on Tuesdays and Thursdays (which crosses a class off of both the PR and journalism lists). This would make my class schedule 17 hours rather than 14 (but two of my courses are block courses so it will feel like 14 hours rather than 11).

   b) adding Principles of PR at 12:30 p.m. on Tuesdays and Thursdays to decide if I really want to pursue a minor in PR (and if I do, I'd be one class closer).

   *Note: these changes in my spring 2010 schedule will NOT keep me from my BA in English Ed. in May 2011.

   *Note: I have mapped out a plan to graduate in December 2011 with a BA in English Ed. and 3 minors: PR, journalism, and Spanish. Yes, I would have an awkward semester of no school where I'd need a full-time job and it likely wouldn't be teaching...but if I do the job change that I'm currently working on, I can make that job work, or get another part-time to supplement it. "You can do anything for a year" (without it permanently damaging you) and that would only be 6 months. ;-)

Why get 3 minors instead of just 1? you ask.

My dad lives in Panama. It would mean a lot to me personally to be able to say that I studied Spanish and am proficient if not fluent in the language. You get more money on certain jobs if you know a foreign language, especially Spanish in Oklahoma jobs. My life is communications so I'm sure it'd come in handy. 

I started college as a journalism major and therefore finished several of those classes. I have no desire to be a journalist, but my exposure to PR came from journalism. A lot of the practices and concepts overlap. It just seems silly to only leave 3 classes hanging between me and a minor.

I have worked in public relations for the last calendar year. I find it fun and interesting. I have a knack for it, but I have no formal training in it. Because of the overlap in the mass communications field, I have a headstart on a minor. 4 classes doesn't seem that hard for something I really want, that would really boost my resume.

The only really weird/awkward thing with the minors (other than telling people I have 3 minors) is that the time I need to do both a PR and journalism minor will put me off to the point that it would be ridiculous NOT  to do the Spanish minor. Just because of timing. What I could (and probably should) do is make sure that I take care of the PR and journalism classes before the Spanish ones and make sure to take care of PR before journalism. 

Anyone have input?

(please say you do)

PERFECT '10!

About a week ago, I had a moment when I decided there was no reason this shouldn't be a fantastic year. I feel like the unexpected things should be over and the hurtful things should have healed. I think the fear should be overcome and the handicaps should be made handi-capable. The tears are tears of relief and joy and awe, not frustration, anger, and futility. My glass is half full, and I am rooted and grounded, all dressed up, in love. 

"For this reason I bow my knees to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, from whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man, that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height— to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen."

(Ephesians 3:14-21)

That being said, I am so excited to start working out more. My sister Ashley and I are gonna train together for the OKC Bombing Memorial Marathon in April. This is important to me because my family is a healthy, athletic family and I want to create more opportunities for us to be together. Several of my cousins and my aunt and uncle run in marathons every year and I want to join in. It's healthy, it can be fun, and it's bonding time. I've done the weight loss thing before and I'm ready to do it again.

While I've been in Kentucky celebrating my best friend's wedding, my sisters and I have been discussing resolutions. Mine are short and simple. They are also things I've already started:

1) Read the whole Bible. I already have a plan with YouVersion.com and I'm actually really excited about it. I'm excited to learn more and seek GOD.

2) I want my life to mirror this statement: "I am not praying. I have become a prayer" (Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love).

3) I want my life to be the effect of this statement: "I am tired of painting myself 'will be' when YOU (GOD) are always 'I AM'" (Melissa May poem). I want to live in the now, focus on making each moment the best it can be.

4) Fit and healthy living. 

I have a lot of other mini-goals, but I think if I accomplish these 4 things, I'll be able to look back and say, "Yep, that was a perfect 2010."

I am happy. And I'm on way to looking like I feel on the inside.
"As within, so without"

Happy New Year!

More on the wedding later.

Making Moves

From the Youth Speaks FAQ page: 

"I want to start a Youth Speaks chapter. What do I do? At this point, we do not have any plans to start a Youth Speaks chapter, but are happy to support your programs participation in Brave New Voices, where we do organizational development trainings. At BNV, you will meet other people from around the country doing the work, and will pick up all kinds of pointers. To learn how to start a

Looks like the only way to do this is to do it locally.

So far, all I really know is that there is not a Youth Speaks team in Oklahoma or Kansas (i.e. I have to travel for my resources). I also know that a majority of the team members from Philadelphia at BNV 2008 go to UPenn and they have a program at their college that fosters spoken word.  From what I've seen, it looks like a lot of places where there is a Youth Speaks Team there is a more local organization of the purpose. Like what I want H.E.A.R. Inc. to be.

It looks like the places that are closest to me that I could look into are Denver, Austin, Amarillo, and St. Louis. Here's a good resource: http://www.txywc.org/. And I'm looking into more. I emailed a girl at UPenn about their thing they have going there. I'm gonna talk to the sponsors of the language clubs at UCO about what they want their organizations to be involved in. I'm gonna put out some more feelers.  

I love it when things feel like they're moving.

Hmmm

I think it's interesting that Jesus wasn't the Jesus we read about and know about except when he was born (Merry Christmas!), when he was approximately 12 ("I'm going about my father's business"), and when he was 30-33. What about when he was 17? Or 21? Or 25? Some say that he was doing the things most of us do during our adolescence, the things that most people don't consider holy and set apart. It is theorized that he GREW to become the Savior of the world; he wasn't born with all of those characteristics.
Hmm.

I get annoyed about working at Aldo for longer than 5 hours or so.
I started back at Build-A-Bear Workshop on Tuesday and I loooooove it. I missed the wholesomeness of kids' bop music and uniforms and not being allowed to curse and putting smiles on the faces of innocents.
I worked some crazy long hours for OSGA this week (because I procrastinate, LOL), but I was not annoyed with my work at any point. I think I was meant to spend some time as someone's P.R. Director.
I still want to teach, but not in a year and a half. Maybe in 5 years, or 10, depending on what I fall into.
Hmm.

I am so underwhelmed by the single guys I meet in real life that I am completely ready to stay single for as long as it takes to find someone who makes me both happy and proud, someone who makes me better.
Hmm.

These are just some things I've been mulling.

A Woman Should...

One of my mentors emailed this to me a couple of weeks ago and I find it really inspiring. The email said it was written by Maya Angelou, but that has yet to be verified.


I think I'd be pretty content to live my life with these things in mind, regardless of which parts of it break the rules.


> A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
> enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own, even if she never wants to or needs to...
> something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...

> A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
> a youth she's content to leave behind...
> a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age....
> a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...
> one friend who always makes her laugh and one who lets her cry....

> A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
> a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...
> eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored...
> a feeling of control over her destiny...

> EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
> how to fall in love without losing herself
> how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship....

> EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
> when to try harder and WHEN TO WALK AWAY...

> EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
> that she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..
> that her childhood may not have been perfect, but it's over....

> EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
> what she would and wouldn't do for love or more how to live alone even if she doesn't like it...

> EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW.. .
> whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally...

> EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
> where to go - be it to her best friend's kitchen table or a charming inn in the woods - when her soul needs soothing....

> EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW....
> what she can and can't accomplish in a day...
> a month...
> and a year.

Placing Myself - in the Intersection or dying by the Roadside

Bear with me, this post might be tedious.

Yesterday I wrote the beginnings of a whiny poem in my other blog after talking to Jen and thinking I was ready to man-up and finish this semester. Today I journaled about how angsty I'm feeling. I talked myself out of quitting school by remembering that I don't want to work retail forever. It's okay in your early twenties, but after that it doesn't make sense. I need to at least graduate by 23 (that gives me an extra year to mess with).

I started following a fellow young poet's new blog and remembered the days when my blog used to be happy and insightful, or at least insightful. So I went back and looked at old posts of mine.

The most recent insightful post was October 29th. I wrote about living in the "I am" rather than the "will be." And I found a way to be comfortable with who I am. I tried that approach last night and it did not work. I absolutely hate who I am, because who I am has no intrinsic value. I am just a shell waiting to give birth to what will be.
October 11th was both insightful and optimistic. I had an idea of what I wanted and how to get there. Sadly, that "how" burnt itself out as the time passed.
September 25th was a good one. But the thing that makes it different and maybe vaguely irrelevant is that I used a principle found in a book that my friend Kendal thinks I should throw out. If you've read very much of my stuff, you've seen me reference this book time and time again: The Lotus Still Blooms by Joan Gattuso. In that post, I quoted her: "What you focus on expands," and said that I was smiling a lot because I focused on grace and possibility. I would argue that the book helped me keep a good outlook.
September 16th had a lot of ideas and plans. I was still optimistic then.
But I think the fact that I have forgotten, or rather completely rejected, what I wrote on September 9th is the reason I stay so upset. In that post, I quoted Rainer Maria Rilke who I internet-researched after reading a couple of chapters in The Lotus Still Blooms. "Try to love the questions themselves, Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now because you would not be able to live them." (Rilke) And then I said,"success is a process, not a product and life is a journey, not a destination." I realized, "My spirit is getting stronger - probably because I am becoming more sensitive to it. Yoga does that. I am in pursuit of Right Mindfulness and Right Concentration. I am in pursuit of the balance between belief (in Christian principles) and understanding (of the innerworkings of the Universe)." Now I'm sure that I have more than one Christian friend, my pastor included, who thinks it's imprudent to let my spirit rest in a text (Lotus) that calls itself the intersection between Buddhism and Christianity, but all I can say is that when I was practicing like a person who lives in that intersection, I was happy and now that I'm trying to be a complete, 100%, no-holds-barred, no teraphim-listening (Zechariah 10:2 in the King James Version) Christian I am back to thoughts of wanting to quit.

The inflexibility of Christianity makes me want to give up. Last night I cried hysterically and told GOD I couldn't do it anymore. Today, I have managed not to cry but I still want to to quit.
To be fair, I was warned about this. Pastor said there would be a time when I wouldn't want to push anymore (using the birth metaphor), but if I stopped that something would die or at least be permanently damaged. The only thing I have right now is a fear of damaging the dream that GOD gave me to give birth to. I want/need that dream to become reality, but I don't know how to make it through the process without referencing The Lotus.

"What the Buddhists teach is a soul science. 'Buddhism promotes understanding, not belief. Christianity promotes belief, not understanding'" (Robert Thurman).  
"'All the effort must be made by you; Buddha only shows the way'" (The Dhammapada)
"Right effort is knowing that the only sacrifice is to give up that which has no reality."
"We all need to engage techniques and formulas that appeal to reason and lead to higher states of awareness."
"For this material to have any true meaning, it must be embraced intellectually, because it is reasonable, psychologically sound, and it just makes sense."

The Five Aggregate Exercises

The Four Immeasurables

The Eight-fold Path

Oh my gosh...Just typing out those things that I've read several times before makes me feel better. The idea of giving up that which has no reality sets lightly on my spirit. It makes sense.

The problem is that Pastor says, and Kendal agrees, that things like that book are teraphim.
Zechariah 10: 2 "For the teraphim have spoken vanity, and the diviners have seen a lie; and they have told false dreams, they comfort in vain: therefore they go their way like sheep, they are afflicted, because there is no shepherd."
Pastor explained teraphim to be evil beings dressed up as angels of light. Idols that take the place of GOD, ideas and thought patterns that subtly counteract the truth.
In the first part of that verse, the instances where I struck words out, the teraphim are obviously the bad guys. The second part, that I underlined and italicized, depicts people being led astray by the teraphim, afflicted because there is no shepherd.

So my confusion/irritation/uncertainty lies in the fact that I take comfort in something, The Lotus Still Blooms, other than Bible. It is sometimes contrary to the Bible and sometimes it quotes the Bible and makes what seem to be perfectly acceptable parallels. My book fits Pastor's description of teraphim and yet I find the following of this particular teraphim easier, better, more constructive than the angst I feel without it.

This is a pretty weighty discussion. I understand if you opt out, but if I tag you on Facebook, please know that it is because I want your scholarly, or faithful, opinion, not because I'm trying to bring you around to my way of thinking.