Structure

NAJjustiz an artist.
I am not overly interested in structure.  I am not a big fan of rules.  But I know that successful people are consistent people, and I know that the "law" of the Lord brings life in a world riddled with death. So I am attempting structure.

I have been a Christian my whole life. Last year I took a church leadership class and now people sometimes call me "Minister Najah." It's weird, and humbling, and an honor.  But as I was serving at church this past week, I realized that the main thing I still lack in my (spiritual) life is structure and consistency.  Because my life has gone through so many changes, I have allowed my dedication to Bible study and prayer to change and move and fall and rise as well.  That is not as it should be.  When nothing is constant, God is, so our relationship with God ought to be constant also.

I am reading a book titled A Call to Die by David Nasser.  I got it at church camp in 2001.  I read it then, and again in 2004.  The subtitle says "a 40 day journey of fasting from the world and feasting on God."  I am praying that studying this book will help to structure my life.  It requires an hour everyday, and to make the most out of it I find it best to do it early in the morning.  They say it takes 21 days to create a habit, so my prayer is that once I finish this book again, I will have a habit of being spiritually focused early in the morning every day.

The book is very journal-oriented.  I am very journal-oriented.  It is amazing and overwhelming, fun and scary to look back through old journals and see what is the same or what is different, how I've grow and what I have been struggling with too long.  I am old-school, at 25 (almost) years old, in 2013 as a member of the technology generation.  I have had a blog since I was twelve.  I am a well-practiced Tweeter.  I have an iPad with highlighted passages in my YouVersion Bible app.  But I also have two Bibles I use to study - a King James/New Living parallel and a New International/Spanish parallel - and underline and write notes in the margin.  I have a journal where I use a pen (or markers or crayons - don't judge me) to record my life. But I decided to type rather than hand-write the answers to the journal questions and I have found that it inspires me to write blog posts and to outline short stories and books of my own. I think this will be very beneficial.

Re: this blog, I'm going to try to stick to a schedule of sorts. I won't post on weekends.  And I'm going to force myself not to post multiple times a day.  I'm going to try to open a topic on Mondays and be a little neutral.  You read it and just learn something about me and how I think or what I'm doing.  In the rest of the week, I will try to give deeper insight into that same topic.  For example, Tuesday I might write about the best parts of Monday's topic. Maybe this will include photos and videos. Then Wednesday I'll present some ideas about how what looked good might not be so good after all, I'll play devil's advocate and give the flip side of the story.  Then Thursday I'll post about any conversations I've had with others about the topic...kind of a varied opinion, open forum kind of thing.  (*Hint: so tell me what you think on Monday or Tuesday if you want to be represented.)  UPDATE (6-19): Posting every week day might be too much if I really want this to be structured, cohesive, and poignant.  Plus, who really wants to feel like they need to read my blog everyday? So maybe I'll let Wednesdays breathe, and present the opposite perspective on Thursday along with advice and quotes from friends, mentors and famous people. Fridays will still be a personal post about my teaching career or health and fitness or writing or some other more aspect of my life.

I'll see if this works. But I feel good about it - especially with all the posts in the queue.  This week will be the test week and the topic is structure.

NAJ just iz...

If you know me personally or have followed me online for a while, feel free to shake your head at me for creating yet another blog. My prayer is that this one is the most honest (since before college anyway) and therefore that it will stand the test of time.

For the first time, I am not here to be preachy. I mean, preaching is in my nature so I KNOW it will creep in. But please understand, I titled the blog NAJjustiz because it's about me. Hopefully I can be a light by being myself, plant some seeds by following God's lead, but if not, at least I am writing down my story.

If this is your first time seeing anything about me: HELLO! Welcome! Bienvenidos! Mucho gusto. Please continue reading below.

NAJ just iz...human, woman, Black, Latina, natural, Oklahoman, following God, a book-lover, a baby snuggler, a high school teacher, a thinker, a music lover, not married, striving for justice and love, a master's student, trying to stay healthy, a writer, a performer, an editor, a dreamer.

I could add: NAJjustiz flawed, impatient, and a control freak to foreshadow some of the stuff I will post soon and later.

I will also mention that my name Najah-Amatullah is Arabic for "successful servant of God." My father is/was (I haven't heard from him in twenty years) a Muslim. I do not subscribe to that religion, although I admire the devotion I see in so many of them that so many Christians lack.  I also respect the name he gave me, because I believe that God is sovereign.  In college, friends started calling me Naj and it stuck.  Maybe four years ago, I was trying to find a shortish and easy to remember Twitter handle. I used to change it VERY regularly. NAJjustiz stuck when I went to a hip hop show and my rapper "friend" shouted me out from the stage by that name. I felt much cooler than I usually do.

(*Random question: should I continue putting myself out there as Najah-Amatullah, forcing people to learn how to enunciate and how to pay attention to detail, or should I give everyone a break and give in to my love for hip hop by giving myself a stage name/pen name/nom de plume of NAJjustiz?)

Are you ready? I already have five posts in the queue ready to get this started!

Coming Back

I haven’t posted on here in forever. I could write an essay about why. I’ll spare you and give you bullet points:

• Busy with school
• Busy with poetry
• Confused about the men in my life 
• Feeling like no one reads this or cares anyway 
• Feeling like I have nothing to say that will help anyone 
• ^ which is also being dishonest about where I am and why 

The last two are the two I have always struggled with in regards to my love blogs. I am not your savior. I am not your pastor. I have a prophetic gift, but it is neither fully developed nor is it meant for everyone all the time. So it is silly, prideful, and off-target to think that my only job is to say things that will help you.

The purpose of this is and has always been to tell MY STORY, and hopefully through seeing my truth, someone will find in God her own truth. When I am dishonest about my struggles, I take away the element of this that makes me human and real and makes it all worth it.  We like to watch people triumph over their struggles. If you’re anything like me, those who seem perfect do not inspire you. So I have to remember to be who I would be inspired by: someone flawed who reached for the hem of Christ’s garment and was set free.

Praise and Prayer - Jan. 3, 2013

Today, my praise is for the way God meets us where we are.

A mean god, a dictatorial god, would stand on his holy hill and simply require his followers to climb up to his level. But Yahweh reaches down to pull us up to His level. Yahweh humbles Himself and comes to get us. He counteracts our weakness with His strength. What a good God!!

Last night, I was discussing with my best friend how I felt like something God gave me might not come to pass. I was telling her that I was tired of fighting for it. And a few hours later, the Lord sent me a sign that I should keep the faith. He didn’t have to do that.

Today, my prayer is for my teaching job.

I pray that the Lord would continue to decrease me and increase His presence in my life.  I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that if I stop walking with God, I will fail my students. I have accepted a position that is just outside my natural ability to persist. God has to make up the difference and He promised that He would. So I just pray that He would continue to focus me, continue to give me the grace, the power to lean on Him and therefore excel. I told my friend last night: “I can’t wait to tell people, ‘It was all God!’” I want God to do something miraculous in my classroom so I can brag on Him and His power.

Praise and Prayer - Jan. 2, 2013

Today, my praise is primarily for the opportunity that God has given me to minister.

He has given me two very important and very big jobs - women and girls, and high school students in their (English) language arts classes. It comes directly from the relationship I have with Him. Because I KNOW Him to be a selfless and righteous lover and because I know the Lord to be a personality who wants to receive love as much as - even more! - than I do, it has changed my life.  Because the Lord loves me so completely, I don’t have to long for the affection or even attention of men who don’t love the Lord. Because I know this, I can live this. It is difficult (although not impossible) to live something that you don’t fully understand. So when we understand Who God really is, we can live for Him.  Or a better phrase is: we can live with Him. This is my ever-relevant message to women and girls. When we live with God, we don’t have to live with certain pains and sins and problems. Our problems become more outside of ourselves, our sins become less life-threatening, and our pains become duller. God took my relentless, painful, idol-worshiping lust for human romance and replaced it with the chance to give love to a group of students who categorically don’t receive as much love as they need.  He taught me to love words and the Word, and how to manage emotions and thoughts through creative expression. That’s what I intend to teach. As soon as I surrendered my struggle and my intention to the Lord, He gave me back two huge chances to minster to the world around me. Praise Him!

Today, my prayer is for Divine inspiration THAT WILL LAST.

Many of us have made New Year’s resolutions. Even those of us who haven’t know that there is something in us that needs to change. I don’t believe that all diligence or drive come from pressure or expectation. I believe that sometimes, the best motivator is pure inspiration - look at how she did it, look at what God did there, look how beautiful, what a huge task! how did she do it?  And that inspiration can last longer than the fear of punishment or the pain of semi-slavery. So I pray that whatever needs to change in our lives, the Lord (in His mercy - because He does not have to do this, because of His love) will present us with bits and pieces of inspiration to keep us going.

My Only Statement About the Election

I know who I think is a good leader for the U.S. in 2012-2016. If you knew my family - blood & non, you would know that I am mostly alone in my decision.

But because I am human, & my heart is deceitful above all things & desperately wicked (Jer. 17:9) & because God uses the foolish to confound the wise & the weak to confound the strong (1 Cor. 1:26-28) so that “there is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way of death” (Prov 14:12)…in simple terms I can’t trust my opinion any more than I can trust yours.

For this reason, I started fasting at sundown today and will continue until the election results are broadcast tomorrow. I don’t really expect to change my vote or for you to change yours. This is me presenting to God Almighty my sackcloth & ashes & saying “Lord, the fact is: I’ve got nothing, no answers, no solutions. Whether we live or die, go to war, starve, make any progress or rise above any depravity, it will be because You move among Your people. So move. At least in me.”

Are you in?

Composite

Many people are blessed to be able to have one job/career that makes them money and gives them purpose.  Shoutout to those people. My papa was a PA, my cousin’s wife works in geriatrics. My aunt and cousin are elementary school teachers. My uncle and cousin are pastors. Several other family members (second-cousins, great-grandparents) are teachers and ministers (preachers, elders, deacons).

But God has blessed some of us, namely me, differently. I am the sum of all of my parts - my mothers and fathers, my sisters and brothers, blood and earth.To try and cut out pieces of myself in order to fit a cushy, 9-to-5 mold is to dishonor the composite God has created.  It might not be easy this way, but it’s what I’m supposed to do, where I’m supposed to be. I am not only the artistic daughter of an artistic father. I am not only destined to teach. I am not only destined to preach.  I am not only destined to write.  I am not only destined to serve my community.  I am not only destined to mother. 

I am the sum of all of my parts.

I just pray that the Lord continues giving me strength and diligence to honor them all.