Every Time I Turn Around

Everyone has a different way of reacting to the world and to authority.

I am, by nature, a person who makes my own rules. I battle pride and I think I am smart enough to figure out my own way that works for me. It takes a long time for me to trust someone enough to submit to them and to listen when they tell me something.  This is especially hard when I have to change my attitude or my behavior! I first attempt to justify why I don’t need to change. And then I punk out by saying I can’t do it.

I even do this with God.

I know a lot of really great, strong Christians.  My “brothers” favorite phrases are “no days off,” “stay ready so you don’t have to get ready,” and “die daily.”  And they are diligent, excellent living testimonies to these phrases. 

But sometimes I get so caught up in that high expectation that I beat myself up because I “can’t” meet the standard.  But God reminded me that we are called to live a life of repentance – turning, changing.  Why? Because He knows that we will sometimes mess up.  And if we get into the habit of turning around, we can spend less time battling guilt and more time thanking God for His grace that meets us where we are. 

I could do penance from here to eternity for all the ways I’ve failed.  Or I could skip that and simply say, “I messed up again.  I am sorry again.  I am turning from that bad behavior and turning toward You.”  Even if I have to say that 20 times a day, it’s better than staying in my sin because I’m too afraid of the cycle. 

Repentance is holiness. 

And maybe the reason my brothers stay ready, the reason they are on Team Die Daily is because they have mastered the turning minute by minute.  I just have to speed up.

You Don't Have to Try So Hard

As a follow-up to my last post, I have not been trying so hard.

Aside from the wedding I went to, I have not worn any makeup other than eye liner and mascara in three weeks.

If I'm being honest, I miss the compliments.

But I like the time I spend thinking more about God or about school in the mornings.

I won't say this is because I haven't been wearing makeup, but doors have been opening up for me. I know at least one of those doors opened because I was discussing my return to my natural state with someone.

I've spent more time writing, more time working out, more time journaling.

This photo was taken today while I was working on a project with a friend. Before I left my house (15 minutes late), I thought about putting on a whole face of makeup, but decided it was unnecessary.  I guess I knew in my gut that we would take photos.  When my friend starting taking candids of me while I was writing, I said, "If I'd known you wanted to take pics, I'd have been cuter." He said "You don't have to be cute to make history."  I'd have preferred he say, "You're cute enough already." But, what he did say is true.  I also know I will look back in twenty years and either think "I should have fixed my hair and worn makeup" or think "That was when I stopped caring so much about my outward appearance. I cared more about what I was doing than how I looked doing it."

For this perspective and for a huge spiritual step in the right direction, I thank my friend Maria Atkinson who beautifully walks around Haiti wearing no makeup, hair sometimes in dreadlocks or cornrows, and sometimes in a pixie cut, loving people to life. You are beautiful.  If people begin to be able to look at me and see anything like what I see when I look at you then I will consider myself a success.

My conclusion is that Colbie was right: you don't have to try so hard. You definitely don't have to give it all away.
She was also wrong, because there are some things you should try at, some things you should let break you.  I've decided to try and walk a few miles a few times a week, and do yoga on the off days if not every day.  I've decided to try and eat only food that will nourish me.  In fact, my mom and I are doing a 5-Day Reset with Shaklee starting tomorrow. Then extreme clean eating until Thanksgiving when I'll assess my progress.

I think what I really learned is that you have to try at the right things. And the real message is that you don't have to fit into someone else's mold.  I don't have to be a glamor girl.  I genuinely like pretty and pink and sparkles and fashion, but I like them better when I'm healthier.  Until I'm healthy, it's like dressing up a garbage can. That doesn't make much sense.
Thank you for the burst of inspiration today from Carlie, @RegularGirlFitness (on Instagram), also.

And I need to remain focused on the spiritual, the eternal, also. If I was there, and we talked, and we prayed, and we felt God together, does it matter how I looked?  I think, not really.

"Do you like you?"

Just Get Up

Is this true or is it a lie?

She sings so beautifully and she looks so sincere. But is she lying?

"You don't have to try so hard.
You don't have to give it all away.
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up.
You don't have to change a single thing.
You don't have to try so hard.
You don't have to bend until you break.
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up.
You don't have to change a single thing.
You don't have to try..."

Because even the sweetest of people want you to stop eating meat or stop eating sugar or start working out or work out more.  They want you to wear this or that, keep chemicals on or off your hair.  They want you to cover up more or less.

If this were true, it would revolutionize my world.
I love pink and sparkles, makeup and fashion...
...because I like external things to tell me I'm pretty.

Without makeup, you can see the stress blemishes on my skin and the dark circles from no sleep under my eyes.
Without enough cute clothes you can see all the extra pounds I carry around because I eat my emotions.

I would give anything to be able to just get up and go...and not feel ugly.

Last week, a coworker of mine saw me - wearing no makeup and my glasses - and said, "Oh you don't have on all your eye makeup today. I always look forward to your eyes." I told my coworker, "It takes me 30 minutes to put my face on. I chose to sleep today." And, even though I forgot to set my alarm this morning, I still put on my full face this morning, so I wouldn't disappoint.

I fought with someone I consider a friend because I was trying with everything in me to change my body and she was trying to help and it wasn't working.  I missed out on her light for weeks because of that. Even now when I see her, I sometimes have to close my eyes to remember that she is a beautiful soul and not just a hot body.

I have a family member whose most distinguishing factor to me is that she is always either on a food challenge or a fitness challenge. Always. Sometimes both.

And before someone makes this argument, I am not saying that health doesn't matter.  It does. It definitely does.  But when you already feel pressure from every angle, the pressure to be healthy is not separate. It's all just pressure.

I have been lying/evading/covering this up for almost a year...I have serious food issues.  I punish myself with food. I either over-eat on purpose as punishment or I starve myself for the same reasons.  I have cried over many meals.
Thank you to my sweet friend, Bekah, for sharing her story on this topic.

Today I threw a fit because my Old Navy account had a glitch and I couldn't buy $200 worth of clothes. I have parent teacher conferences tomorrow and I wanted to look adorable.

I wish the girl pictured above got as many compliments and likes as the girl with the awesome mascara or the cute outfits. 

I want to stop trying. 

I have never been more afraid of anything.

I also need to apologize to everyone I have ever made feel like they needed more makeup, cuter or different hair, or any kind of change in order to be pretty.  I never meant to be malicious, but I was applying the same rules to you that I am suffering under. I pray you didn't suffer under my word.  I am so sorry. You don't have to try.

Endnote: If I had to pick ONE thing that I believe is worth the effort and conformity, it would be the food I find and take in.  If you had to pick ONE thing to try, which would it be?

I Hear Voices

Once we start "eating" the right words - the spoken words of God from sources that line up with the written words of God - we have to be able to apply them.  This requires constant devotion to humility.

Humility is admitting that we are incapable of doing it on our own.  Humility is not downplaying your accomplishments, but acknowledging that your talents are God-given and that some of your success is based on favor with people or teaching from people.

We've all heard the old adage that actions speak louder than words. This is basically true. But the more you watch and listen to people, the more you will understand why people act the way they do.  Behavior is a reflection of belief.  I like the phrase I first heard a couple of years ago: "When you know better, you do better" (This quote may be attributed to Oprah).  It follows then that when we consistently, habitually don't do the right thing, it is because we don't know how.

Behaviors are easy to change; beliefs are next to impossible.  So what do we do?

After we acclimate to the understanding that we cannot change the beliefs of our friends and family members, much less strangers, then:   

• We have to spend enough time with ourselves to understand our flaws (the big ones and the small ones).  
• We have to know God well enough to hear Him tell us how to fix them.  

I just re-learned this lesson.  People we love sometimes have struggles we could help them with.  But their behavior is most likely an effect of their belief and only God can change their beliefs. Let's turn that back on ourselves.  None of us are perfect; we all have flaws we have kept well hidden, consciously or unconsciously. No one can change those little idiosyncrasies and attitudes because they are deeply rooted in our beliefs about ourselves and the world around us.

If you've ever struggled with the idea of knowing God, let me give you two tips.

1. If you are at the beginning of your spiritual journey or you're still deciding if Christianity is for you, know this: prayer is not a monologue; it's a dialogue.  A dialogue requires two people talking and two people listening. When you pray (about all things great and small - your car not breaking down, your day running smoothly, your boyfriend forgetting his fears of commitment and taking you ring shopping, your mother's cancer), also listen to what God is saying back.  God is saying something back.

2. If you are past the beginning stages, you've been reading the Bible and going to church and you talk to God on a regular basis, but you're still not sure how to hear directly from God, know this: "God exists within you as you" (Elizabeth Gilbert) and the devil exists outside of you posing as you. There's a reason the visual representations of the Holy Spirit (your conscience) and the devil are small figures that look just like you whispering in your ear the right and wrong things to do.

One of the devil's most effective tricks is to speak negativity to you and deceive you into thinking the negative thoughts originated with you. The devil wants you to think your mind has an abundance of evil in it that you cannot escape.  But he is the liar, the deceiver, the accuser.  

God created you. When you were born, you had more God in you than you had of yourself and your parents.  In fact, the eternal part of you is simply a piece of God.  So when you align yourself with God's teachings, He removes the negativity that was invading your system and what is left is the God in you that was always there.  When you listen for God's voice during your prayer dialogue, listen for what sounds like your own thoughts or your own voice but lines up with God's words. 

This is why the yogis say, "I honor the Divinity that resides within me."

#iLoveWords

Spoken Word of God

Last week, I outlined ways to know if the words you're taking in are from God or not.  I focused on the written word - the Bible and other texts that proclaim the gospel of salvation through Divine Intervention. This week I will focus on the spoken word.

There are three main sources of the spoken word of God:

• Pastors, preachers, prophets, teachers, conference speakers - all one group
• Spiritual family, counselors, mentors, teachers, wise advisors - all one group
• God Himself

To be very honest, many of us only ever listen to people in category two, spiritual family.  This is a very natural place to start, but a dangerous place to end.  My sweet, faithful, strong in the Word grandmother is sometimes just too close to me or too insistent on her personal styles to be the only one I listen to.  Your mentor is a human being. No matter how much she loves God, is filled with the Holy Spirit, she is still human with her biases and places of hurt and confusion.  To only listen and take advice from your spiritual family is to shut out the revelation God is giving to the rest of the world.

God is bigger than our imagination and wondrously multifaceted. God is not limited to the perspectives of people we know.

The next problem we have, especially in the United States, is our aversion to pastors and church people.  And I promise you, despite my current attachment to the church, I have struggled with this before as well. 2 Chronicles 20:20 says, "Have faith in the Lord your God and you will be upheld; have faith in his prophets and you will be successful." Also in Paul's second letter to the church at Corinth, he says, "God has set the members, each one of them, in the body just as He pleased...and God has appointed these in the church: first apostles, second prophets, third teachers..." (12:18 and 28).  He goes on to list several other spiritual gifts in hierarchical order.  Apostles can be defined as "those who are sent" (based on the translation of the Greek word) to speak God's word or to do God's work. I don't have them listed above simply because apostles tend to be doers - church planters, missionaries, healers - where the speakers are more referred to as prophets.

Some in church culture refer to prophets as anyone who speaks on behalf of God, or gives a message from God. This encompasses pastors, preachers, teachers (of the Word, not necessarily academics), and conference speakers (conferences centered around God's word and growing in faith). I like this scripture reference: "When there is a prophet among you, I, the Lord, reveal myself to them in visions, I speak to them in dreams. This is not true of my servant Moses; he is faithful in all my house. With him I speak face to face, clearly and not in riddles; he sees the form of the Lord" (Numbers 12:8).  That's big. We see that prophets get visions and dreams that have meaning for our lives as followers of God. We also see that a person who is faithful to God might see God "face to face" and might hear things from God "clearly." Any human is fallible. Moses had his issues. But God continues revealing Himself to certain people "face to face." He continues speaking to certain people clearly and He does so even today (because He never changes - Hebrews 13:8).

The practical application is this: When someone says, "The Lord spoke to me and said..."

1. Look for that trend in scripture.  You probably won't find the exact words, but you can find the concept. Remember to balance the Old Testament with the new. If a self-proclaimed prophet says, "God wants us to stone all adulterers," yes you will find that precedent in the Old Testament, but you will find a very different precedent set by Jesus in the New Testament. Chances are very great that person didn't hear from God. 
2. See if what they claim God told them proves true. "You will know them by their fruit," or by what they do (Matthew 7:16). The catch is always timing.  God exists outside of time and historically gives people glimpses into the very distant future. Very rarely does God give a message with a timestamp on it.  The nice thing about this is it's easy to test out.  "Prophet" So-and-So says this will happen before the end of the year. You don't have to wait very long to see if they were true or false.  
3. Do NOT try to decide whether they are really speaking God's word based on their mistakes or past failures.  Moses killed a guy and then disobeyed God and was left out of the Promised Land. That didn't stop God from using him to write the Torah. Paul used to murder Christians, that didn't stop God from using him to write all those letters to the churches. God is in the business of saving people and using them for His glory. Salvation is a process and God uses people while He's still saving them. Sometimes people make huge mistakes after God has spoken through them. This does not invalidate the message.

When taking in God's spoken word, we must temper our faith in God's hierarchy with wisdom of God's written word. "Study to show yourself approved" (2 Timothy 2:15). Listen with a discerning ear and react in love and submission.

I will write more on submission and hearing from God Himself* next week.
#iLoveWords

*I struggled to put Himself rather than Herself or Him/Herself. God does not have gender. That's a different argument for a different day. But know, that I believe firmly and whole-heartedly that God fully encompasses both genders. 

Say What? Word?

In my last post, I used the premise of Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat, Pray, Love to give some guidelines for having a fulfilled life: pray, "eat," and live. As promised, in this post I am going to discuss my theory of "eating" a bit more.

I already mentioned "[hu]man does not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God" (Matthew 4:4).

What are God's words? The easy answer is: the Bible. The educated answer is: God's words are those which proclaim the Gospel, the good news, of salvation through Divine intervention.

Let me clarify: The only reason I did not leave my declaration at "the Bible - period" is because I believe, like Tommy Tenney (author of the famous Christian text The God Chasers), that God has not stopped speaking to His people since he gave John the Revelation and since Paul wrote his inspired epistles to the early churches. "God is the same yesterday, today, and forever" (Hebrews 13:8), so it doesn’t make sense that He would stop giving us prophets, relevant and timely instruction, and revelation.

I think there are dozens of books out there written by people who listen just as closely to God as Matthew and Amos and Moses listened to God. And I think their words are just as relevant to living a godly life as those in the canonized Bible. These authors’ books typically include biblical cross-references along their original revelations.

I will not name specific other books of scripture in this post, but I will say this: Christianity hinges on the revelation (not the intellectual knowledge) that Jesus, the Christ, who was both God and man allowed himself to be killed in order to "pay for" human sinfulness (Phil. 2:5-8). All religions I have studied acknowledge that humans are inclined toward wrong doing more than right doing. Most theism (or “belief in God”) acknowledges that God is "holier," better, stronger than humans. As a Christian, I believe that Jesus's death paid (past tense) the price for my sin. It happened immediately in the instant of his death, and now only has to be accepted.

I am going to disagree with some theologians here, though, and say: I don't think Jesus came to earth, lived, was tortured, died, and rose again (that's the difference; martyrs are a dime a dozen) primarily to save us from hell. Why not? Because I don't believe that the people who attempted to be faithful to God before Jesus's earth tour went to hell. I believe Jesus's death and resurrection were ordained by God to give us a chance at a better life on earth, an opportunity for the life God wanted when He created humans in the first place. Now THAT’S GOOD NEWS!

Christianity is about being saved from the effects of sin in our lives on earth more so than the after-life result of rejecting God's sovereignty. We are saved and able to engage in the process of becoming more whole, and therefore becoming holier and happier.

So, how do we measure if it is God’s word or not? In my prayerful, researched opinion, God's word is this:

• It DOES constantly require you to do better. 
• It DOES constantly remind you that you cannot do better without God. 
• It DOES come from a place of love. 
• It DOES NOT allow you to remain complacent. 
• It DOES NOT convince you that your next level is all about gritting your teeth and pulling yourself up by your bootstraps (none of that “they sleep, we grind” mentality). 
• It DOES NOT come from a place of judgment. 

Despite many Christians’ aversion to everything that hints at another religion, in Liz Gilbert's book her first act on her spiritual journey was to cry out to a God she wasn't sure she believed in and ask for help. Even she prayed first. And when God spoke; she listened and obeyed.

#iLoveWords

 For some information on other ways God speaks, check out Soul Medicine next week.

Pray, Eat, Live

I read the book Eat Pray Love twice before the movie came out.  I saw the movie in the theater and only loved it because it was a condensed version of my favorite book.  And because Julia Roberts is in it and I love her.  I had a couple of friends who were impacted by Liz Gilbert's insight the way I was.

And then I studied the book with a class who took the stance of most of the world - a rich, white lady decides to travel the world and masquerade it as spiritual and personal growth.  Really she just had an awesome vacation.  Well, someone has their knickers in a knot.

I found that everything she went through was relatable to me.  If it wasn't a pattern I already saw emerging in my 20-year-old present, I could imagine it in my future. I could say it's because she's a writer. But that would go against my fundamental belief that it is because she was right.

As I struggle a little with self-love and I meditate on ways to "fix" my problem, I think I would change the order of her verbs.

1. Always pray first.  Pray as soon as you wake up, before you go to sleep, and at every turning point throughout the day.  Thank God for being big enough to handle anything you will ever go through.  Thank God for loving you enough to work all things together for your good.  Ask God for guidelines, answers, inspiration, opportunities.  Ask God for help not being afraid to take those opportunities, help loving others the way He loves you, help seeing what might be getting in the way of your progress. 
2. Then eat.  This probably seems ridiculous, but give me a chance.  First, "[hu]man does not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God" (Matthew 4:4).  So "eat" God's words from the Bible, from the mouths of preachers, and from inside yourself.  Secondly, understand that physical eating can be a spiritual practice. There's a reason we pray, "Give us this day our daily bread" (Matthew 6:11).  That one was talking about actual food.  Make sure you are nourished, not hungry, but also not overfull or full of the wrong things.  Be careful what you enjoy and why.
3. Learn to really live.  Understand that "God has given us all things that pertain to life and godliness" (2 Peter 1:3).  I really appreciate the phrase from a popular mega church - "Whoever finds God finds life."  Find what God intends for your life - for me it's writing and teaching - and do those things as well as the actions that support those things.  I am a better writer the more of the world I take in, the more I build relationships with people.  I am a better teacher the more I do things the right way. Kids need to see adults succeeding.  Also, if I want to live whole and healthy for longer than 40 more years, I have to exercise and keep nourishing rather than deadly habits.  

So many think the majority of humans have nothing to learn from Elizabeth Gilbert's journey.  I think they fail to see that she was simply giving us an example of what it might look like to go against people's expectations and strike out on your own to find the life God intended for you.

There will be more discussion on "eating" and on "living" in the coming weeks.

#iLoveLife